lil miss strawberry maiden

I'm really happy right now and I hope it doesn't change. <3 Write more later.
























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I just realized how much time has passed since I've written in here. It is now the beginning of a new year and I have yet to change what I meant to change. Theres time yet though. Anyway, I havent spoken to mr. disaster I seem to have written about in all of these entries, hes long gone in my heart I feel like for once in my life and I basically crashed my car and went crazy last time I hung out with him, which is completely awesome...oh wait that doesnt translate as not being what I meant in writing, never mind. So my heart was ready to move forward and be given to someone else, and probably once again get stepped on. I was actually pretty infatuated with someone else recently, who currently has not returned my phone call and probably isn't even thinking about me. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I feel like I deserve something I just simply don't have, and I don't know if it's a sense of entitlement as much as just a sense of self respect that makes me think like this. Aren't there any cute guys who aren't a jerk too out there? D; I give up. I mean seriously, all I really want is what just simply will never be. It's almost like the meaning of life is to suffer until you die, that's what I feel like sometimes. I think it would have been a favor to just let me die. I wouldn't have to witness my life getting worse all the time. I'm almost regressing completely backwards and destroying every step I take so that I can't even move forward anymore unless I rebuild it again, and I don't feel like doing that. I just want to go to sleep. It's all just so useless, so hopeless.

Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, so glad you could make it now

Oh, look at my face
My name is might have been
My name is never was
My names forgotten

Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, theres only us left now

When I wake up in my makeup
Its too early for that dress
Wilted and faded somewhere in hollywood
Im glad I came here
With your pound of flesh
No second billing cause youre a star now
Oh, cinderella
They arent sluts like you
Beautiful garbage beautiful dresses
Can you stand up or will you just fall down

You better watch out
What you wish for
It better be worth it
So much to die for

Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, theres only us left now

When I wake up in my makeup
Have you ever felt so used up as this?
Its all so sugarless
Hooker/waitress/model/actress
Oh, just go nameless
Honeysuckle, shes full of poison
She obliterated everything she kissed
Now shes fading
Somewhere in hollywood

July 5th, 08.
I haven't written in here for a while. I think I'm just afraid to change. I've been acting out since Jay broke up with me. I haven't called him because I'm scared to. Noone really likes me. The way I am is going backward not forward. I have no awareness of social situations and I never realize how I affect anyone. I'm trying to change just by realizing what is wrong, but I never think what I'm doing is wrong if someone tells me. That has to do with things I say more times than not. The way I feel and the things I say are completely different, I just feel so much anger sometimes that I make up things. If not that then I'm just severely depressed crying in a corner with a razor blade. Just because the knife didn't penetrate and the drugs didn't enter my bloodstream or get in my possession doesn't mean I'm just fine.

July 7th, 08.
Dear Tina,
I hate you. You're acting like a fucking slut. You think you have the option of which guy you'd like to be with, but none of them like you anyway enough to be with you and you really can't make someone happy. You are insulting rude and mean to people you care about and it doesn't matter how you feel because that's what you show to them. No matter what, you'll ultimately hurt them and yourself. You're just addicted to the drama and unless you can change you will definetly be alone forever with cats. Is that what you wanted? There is no prince charming that is going to save you, you need to save yourself and understand the reality of situations. You're not a dumb girl, you know what you need to do, stop acting crazy. You'll be fine. You just need to wait and in the meantime keep the same mistakes from being repeated and do the next right thing. Don't expect anything too fast. You're pretty, have a cute style, smarter than you think, you play video games and funny when you're in a good mood. You've been told all these things by friends or told you're an ideal girlfriend by boys. You just don't believe it because you're so used to hating yourself and being miserable. You don't need to feel bad about being happy, things are going to be fine, you're going to complete school this time and use your talent in art not drugs. Even though you want a boyfriend, you could have fun being alone, you don't need that validation, and you cant even decide who you want to be with anyway. Just take what you can get and take care of yourself. Learn how to be nicer. Love yourself. <3

I cried so much tonight. I feel so helpless.

I don't really know what the point of writing in here is, not like it matters. I feel like nothing has any meaning anymore. I feel like what I always feared finally came true, I don't care about anything. Sometimes I find myself trying to pretend I have emotions, I'm not a bad actress most of the time. I like to think about when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt, but that was a long time ago. I feel really hopeless, I feel like my sobriety isn't going to last very long, and I feel like my days are pretty much limited. There is noone out there capable of receiving the love I have to give, there is noone who sees me for what I really am. People have perceptions, but none of them are really true. I was broken before, now I'm just missing....maybe everything that dies some day comes back...

I'm in Italia... it's so beautiful here. I miss Jay... I think I am always going to love him...that sucks. I think I've lost my mind. I also miss that cute guy on the street who kept trying to get me into his car, very persistant and had no problem with telling me he loved me.

I feel like I want to write something, I don't know what to write. I've been living in fear of speaking in front of people or writing things that someone can look at..or just talking, like I'll stare at the phone for hours before I'll make a phone call, I doubt myself a lot. I don't really know if I've made as progress as it seems, I'm pretty crazy for about three days every month, I can't really control it either no matter how hard I try. I guess most of the time I'm okay though. I'm just working on character defects. Okay so I'm not a slut anymore, I don't really lie about anything, I don't steal from stores like I used to do a lot, I don't hurt myself in any way, I'm passing my classes. Yeah I guess things are pretty different in reality. I'm still insecure and scared to open up to people though. I also still am with Jay, is that bad? Not to me, but maybe I'm deluded. Oh yeah and right now I just ate like fifteen girl scout cookies. Yeah...progress. Its been almost 9 months since I drank or drugged, I could have had a baby in this time, and as Jay said "thank God you didnt". I still feel like my help is worthless and not very helpful, well I'm trying. Also trying not to be crazy, but I'm only crazy when I'm with him so whats that mean. Oh well, I actually finished some artwork and liked it before so I'm happy.

i always feel like i have a hole inside me, my heart is broken, i still love him...

i wish, i didnt care, is there something wrong with me, i think so, theres a lot wrong with me

Hi. Just felt like writing in here. I'm at F.I.T. with nothing going on. I like my classes, I had to draw the seven deadly sins for illustration, the model was wearing a red dress holding a knife. My other classes are fun too. I'm taking comic book illustration, I made a character and named her Angelica like the model, I don't know what the story is yet. Theres some interesting people in those classes, only some I actually like, I don't know whats wrong with the others. One girl kept commenting that I always am wearing hot pink, so I said well at least its not black anymore, she said she used to dress goth too and wear spiked collars. x.x; I'm doing pretty well in all aspects of my life. I recently quit smoking officially and without help. I also have a date for Valentines Day so I'm pretty happy, I've been perfectly okay with my dull life because it means I don't make bad decisions anymore and I don't hate myself. I have been without a drink for almost six months. And most importantly, I am not going to be in a psych ward for my birthday, unlike last February. My focus currently is on using my experience to help others, because that's the only way I know for now, and not so much getting help. I'm going to dye my hair cinnamon again, honey like my eyes, so yeah. Kbye! <3

You are temperamental and impatient and can be very difficult to live with. You tend to respond with a temper tantrum if your desires are frustrated.

You take slights and rebuffs very personally and though you may forgive a transgression by a friend or loved one, you never forget it.

Your belongings give you a sense of security and continuity with the past, which is important to you.

You have a very attractive personality and love to socialize. Because of this you are very popular, especially with the opposite sex. You also have a sense of beauty and may be interested in some kind of artistic work. You may well be highly magnetic and sexually attractive yourself. Beware of using this power to manipulate people, for you could gain the reputation of being a "user".

You are likely to have spiritual or life experiences that mean a lot to you. You also could become involved in situations where others take advantage of you.

Your romantic relationships tend to be deep, intense, passionate, and highly emotional. It's "all or nothing" with you. Oftentimes you are irresistibly attracted to someone and you feel that you have very little choice or control over your powerful feelings.

Once you decide you want something or make a commitment, you'll do it "even if it takes forever".