It all started when I was born.
Growing up for me was never easy even now at 36 it hasn’t gotten any easier.
I have 2 siblings both older a sister and a brother. They had the same dad but me?
I had a different dad. My siblings dad died to cancer when they were small, then my mom met
my dad. I don’t think she wanted me or another kid but she was force to have me and stay with my father. See my dad he was def and mute since he was a child. I’ve heard stories that he saw his dad be killed and since then his brain was stuck in a child like mentality in a sense. Weird I know. So I guess I was the oopsie child or the mistake. Ever since I could remember my emotions and feelings were always heighten, I was never a normal child. Going to school was rough I would get bully for 2 things.
1. The kids would make fun of the way my dad sounded when any sound came out of him
2. My mom ended up becoming a Janitors and working at my Elementary so I would get bullied for that and beat the shit out of kids who talked crap about my mother.
She had to work twice as hard because no jobs really wanted to hire my dad. No one in his family taught him to sign and no one helped me learned. I know maybe I should’ve pushed myself but we didn’t have all the things we have now on easy access.
Not only did random kids bully me but so did my siblings. I might of been young but I remember clear as day as they blamed me for them losing their dad granted we were all kids and didn’t know better. Not to mention we grew up in a really religious environments, do to living with my grandparents.
I was 12/13 when my entire world fell apart. When my innocence’s was taken from me along with my voice and my will to live. See I grew up being close to my uncle whom also lived with us. We went to LA to visit my grandparents after everyone moved away from us. I think it was because my grandparents were getting their vows renew. I remember bits and piece of the entire situation. It was also going to be my birthday right on the dot of my birthday. I was sleeping with my little cousin on the top bonk bed. When he came in. I remember his hands on me feeling me places they shouldn’t be. I remember the pain. I remember crying. Then I remember his wife coming in and kicking me out like I did something wrong. I ended up in the living room crying all night. I didn’t say a word. Everyone was asking what was wrong and I stood quiet. It wasn’t for a while that my family caught on little by little all the women found out what had happen. But they all told me I couldn’t say anything. My mom was the only one on my side. She helped me burn anything that belong to him. No one allowed me to call the cops or report it. I felt like I had to grow up from that day forward. Nothing felt the same. I wanted to just die, not exist because I felt I caused it. I felt like for years it was my fault. Till I got older. That’s when I realize this man had pretty much been touching me inappropriate since I was a child. But I never got it back then I was too little to understand, I just saw him as a father figure since I couldn’t talk to mine. This was when it all started, my trust issues, my self worth shit the bed, I was so broken. I cut just to cut because I felt alive through the pain. Being an adult now I know my family was wrong. They took my silence, they raised me to stay quiet. I didn’t know how to use my voice or when I could if I was even allow to. This didn’t help me in any relationship I had. I allowed men/boys to treat me however they wanted because I thought I was tainted, I was no good. My high school boyfriend once threw me from some stairs because I thought I could be pregnant. Which find out I was and had a miscarriage. Another so call “uncle” that would visit use to wonder his hands on me. I would stiffen. I never knew how to react to another persons touch on me. That one never went too far but still. I didn’t like it. When I would stay at my bestfriends house her step dad would do the same, his hands would touch me in places I feel an adult shouldn’t have place their hands on me. I tried to tell her which caused our friendship to end because her mom didn’t wanna hear it. After this I kept dating the wrong guys, guys that would treat me like shit because I did not value myself. I would sleep around because sometimes It made me feel better, but sometimes It did nothing for me. I started drinking a lot in highschool. But it became a normal, this was also around the time my brother started abusing me physically. He started hanging out with the wrong people and would come home high or drunk and I would be his hitting target. I remember having to hide the bruises or just hiding from him in general. Until enough was enough and my sister actually saw first hand what happen to me. We went to my moms work and called the cops, the cops came and threw him out. Later he called and apologize and my dumbass just accepted it. He did change and didn’t hit for a while, but it is what is it. I was too nice always have been always loved too hard. My life felt like it was in a constant fkn down hill. My plans were to graduate get a job and get the fuck out. Things changed when my grandfather got sick. I was in and out of school a lot I still graduated with extra credits but my grandfather did end up passing away do to heart problems. It killed me he was another father figure I have lost. It didn’t help that when I was trying to say my goodbye’s the other monster that destroyed my entire childhood was there, it didn’t help that he wanted to come near me to talk to me, it didn’t help that he tried to touch me I rant out of that church so fast. But then I came back. I tried saying goodbye to him in that open casket, but my grandmother decided it was the best time to come next to me and say “you should go forgive him, it’s what your grandfather would want” I never felt more disrespected in my life. I couldn’t believe her. I couldn’t stand them. After some time I stop visiting all my family. Kept to myself. To this day I rarely speak to any of them. Then I meet another boy. Because he def was no fkn man. I remember us talking all the time and me ending up going out to Texas. It was suppose to be only for a month in October. Who knew that would be my own personal hell. This boy made it impossible for me to exist. He ended up leaving his job and saying there was no way to get me back home. I decided well I love this man I might as well be and adult and just live with him. HAHAHA worst fucking thing ever. He made sure of it. Was there any good times? Ya I guess so but none delete from the bad. I remember him calling me whatever names he wanted to just to get a rise out of me. He wanted to push me to where I snapped so when he would he me,. he would say it was my own fault. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying so many nights. He secluded me from the world. There wasn’t a day he didn’t mention how worthless I was, how it was him making the money and paying for everything. I couldn’t get a job because he wouldn’t let me leave. It was a fucking nightmare I wish I could say the sex was good but even that felt like hell. I wanted a man who couldn’t bare to touch me or look at me. Causing even more mental issues for me. I believed that I was tainted forever that no one would touch me again. All my body issues started with him. He made it seem like we broke up and told his family I was gone for the next 2 years in our relationship I didn’t exist even to his family. He was cheating on me right under my nose and I couldn’t do anything. Or say anything I had no one to talk to, till I started streaming. One day he finally decided he was done with me and kicked me to the curve. I had no place to go I wanted to kill myself right there in that room while he sat on his pc talking to some girl. I took so many pills. But I gathered myself together called a friends I met through gaming that I knew lived in Texas and they went and picked me up. I’ve been here with them since. A few years later My father got really sick. My mom sent him away to Mexico so that some nuns would take care of him because I wasn’t there in Cali to do so. I remember the call like it as yesterday. My father had, had a stroke. He ended up coming back from is for a month. Then I got the last call ” your father passed away” I had no way to get to him no money nothing. I did a gofund me to do what I could but it wasn’t enough. I failed him I failed him so bad. I didn’t know any of his family so no one could claim him. To this day I have no idea what happen to his body, I have no idea where he was burried. To this day I feel like he deserved so much better from me and everyone else. I blame myself and that will never go away that pain will never fade. I failed him like I failed myself time and time again. So now I suffer every day. Barely able to get out of bed. Near my 36th birthday my rapist decided to try to add me to FB. the last I heard of this man was that he got arrested and thrown in prison for child pornography. Karma. But when I got that Friend Request my entire life sunk. And I’ve been drowning since. Whatever safety I felt before now gone.


I will not be correcting my typos right now or anything. Thank you for reading.

I’m so afraid to write my thoughts here now a days. So much judgement from people. But I’m feel myself spiraling away more and more.
Drifting to the darkness.
Seeking it’s comfort.
Because I’m at a lost.
These thoughts. I wish I didn’t have them. I wish I saw more of myself.
Reality is I feel such a big void right now
It’s been a while….. really…
It’s like a friend you haven’t heard of in a while.
You use to be so close but drifted apart
Now all of a sudden out of nowhere they wish to reenter your life.
To know the ins and outs of your emotions
To reconnect with every part of your being
But you already said goodbye
Yet there’s this string pulling you back into it.
You’re trying to resist to be better to do better
But you just sink.
No warning.
No reason.
You just simply do.
It’s honestly a constant battle.
Many days I wake up not wanting to move
When I see myself in the mirror I feel sick to my stomach
Believe me when I say I don’t want to be in this position.
I want to breath without it causing me pain day after day.
But the ground under me keeps breaking.
Shattering away as I continue to grip on to hope.
I want to be this positive person in peoples lifes
I want to bring joy laughter and good memories.
But how can I do that when every other second I want to end my own life?
I always wanted to be a person people would be afraid to lose.
I want to be an inspiration to those that suffer the way I do.
Believe me when I say I want to fight with all my might.
Because I want YOU to believe it’s all worth the fight.
But shit man, it’s not that simple sometimes.
There’s obstacles that you constantly have to climb.
And let’s be honest some that we build up ourselves from all the fear and doubts
Once I start to think of something it’s like a dominoes affect and just doesn’t shut up.
But I wanna keep trying.
I want to believe I can be better.
I want to believe I can be someone, someone else can look up to.
To inspire someone else to keep trying.
But I understand.
Just know that I understand.
I know the fear.
I know the self doubt.
I know how easy it is to think of a way out.
I hear you.
And I too need you.

Such a beautiful disaster
Lost inside her own chaotic mess
She sits in-front of the mirror
Looking at herself from head to toe
She finds herself disgusting
“why would anyone wants me?”
She says to herself inside her head
As her eyes go from her face to her stomach she just wants to claw into her own skin
Not making any sounds she slowly stand up closer to the mirror
The tears building up as she searches for answers
Words burst out from inside her body with such sadness and anger
While the tears flow down her face
“Who are you?”
“What are you doing?”
“Why am I even here?”
“What’s my purpose?”
“Why do I have to try harder than others all the time?”
“Why do you complicate everything?”
“Why do I care so goddamn much all the time?”
“Why am I never enough?”
“What do I have to offer anyone?”
“What’s the point of being a nice person?”
“Is it always going to hurt this much?”
Frustrated she drops to the ground as she punches the mirror.
And in that moment as the pieces fell upon the floor
She felt her own heart breaking
Quickly she tried to pick up the pieces
Blood dripping from her fingers as she tried to put the pieces back into place like a puzzle
Crying loudly she screams
“I don’t want to be broken anymore, I will put myself together again”
“I will fix this mirror so that looks new I will fight for the right pieces I will learn to love myself again!”

Thank you for reading this. Please know you’re never alone. Understand that many of us actually suffer from the same trauma’s or mind mentality. Don’t allow anything or anyone to define you. Learn to love yourself, I know it’s the hardest thing to do and the worst battle to fight. But we have to try to pull thru, at least we can say we tried in the long run.

 

Hey you how are?
Well listen okay… It’s ok to be damage goods you know?
I woke up with tears in my eyes, same way I “fell” asleep.
I took a deep breath struggled a little bit to sit up, but I did it.
You know how strong that makes you?
It may seem like nothing to some but you made it through another day and here we are again.
Let me tell you that I am proud of you because of that and much more.
As an individual that suffers from self destructive mentally, I understand the hesitation.
we reach that deep core of our brain that tells us “what’s the point I’ll just be disappointed”
I’m sorry that you feel this way my friend, I wish I could guide you to a better tomorrow.
But the truth and the reality of it all is that I’m in the same boat.
But I want you to be successful, I want you to thrive to be a better you with every breath even if it hurts.
I’m not a catch, I’m not some sort of medal award winner.
But I am a person who thinks the world would be better without them.

The thing is I’m unsure why i’m writing this. I just feel the need to vent again.
I’m not even sure what I’m doing with my life, where I’m headed or where I am going.
And everyday that’s a struggle.
I get on my own nerves on a daily because I hate who I am and the way I think.
People often try to tell me “hey this world needs people like you around”
For what?
To use as a punching bag???
Sigh see I don’t want to always think so negative about life
But as I have mention in my other post, how can you not when everything you have fought for or the life you try to better/succeed in is always pushing you down?
What do I even fight for anymore?
See my friends my only real life goal is to make sure some of y’all don’t feel this way too.
I want to tell you that you’re amazing, I wanna brighten your day, I want you to show me that smile that some people might adore.

Look I know it’s not easy at all.
I understand this better than some.
Our number one enemy will always lie inside us.
We will do anything to believe we are not worthy of the love we probably deserve
But please fight.
Fight with me to push forwards, to find a light a reason for our pain.
You don’t have to do it alone.
Eventually we will find a support system and start to push towards a better day.

Listen, I haven’t been doing so well, I’ve been watching myself bleed daily now.
I have cried myself to sleep and woken up literally struggling to breath.
It’s just so blurry sometimes.
How can I continue to be nice when the world is full of hatred?
I’m doing everything I can to grow, and I really hope my growth continues.
I want to find a balance without feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.
I want to stop being afraid of being loved.
I want to believe that through the pain, the heartache and me trying to motivate others that it’ll make a difference one day.
I don’t motivate others for any sort of gain.
But it is a wonderful feeling when you see the change in them.
My life has been anything but easy with my dad’s death, my break up and having to find a home.
God believe me when I say that I just wanted to give up.
I still feel so much pain from losing my dad and now it’s a constant battle with my mom too
I don’t want to go thru this again, losing a parent has broken me harder than anything in mu life
Everyday I get a phone call from home my heart falls into my stomach expecting bad news.
But I hope my mom listens, I hope she fights for her life the way I need her to.
Please love your family, love them like you’ve never loved before no matter the rough patches you’ve had to go through.
Understand that family argues but move past it.
Not everyone is gonna support you also, but look above it all.
Some day when you’re older you’ll understand, or lets be honest some of us may never.
But please cherish the people that are more than willing to drop their life for yours.

 

Hello,
Here I am again in a venting/ranting mood. You might think this is stupid, the fact that I’m writing this. But I need to reflect. So it’s been about 9 months, damn time sure does fly. I can’t say I’m 100% because to be honest I don’t know if I’ll ever be. But here I am breathing when it use to hurt so much, frankly it still hurts. The way my life has turned around though. If you’d ask me back then if I ever thought I would be surrounded by people the way I am now, the answer would’ve probably been no. For 3 years I felt I was living only for someone else, I felt like I had no life what I did, the choices I made the way I acted was only for one person. As much as I want to say “I regret it” or “I wish I could take it all back” I cannot.  No one will ever understand me, as much as I want someone to. It can’t be help. I can’t understand myself half the time, it’s so frustrating. Yeah my brain was messed up before him, but I swear every part of me shattered into a million pieces after him. The self doubt has been worst and yeah I know eventually I’ll have to like myself or love myself a bit, but it might take longer than I thought.
Regardless I didn’t think I had an escape, I didn’t believe I’d be able to breath afterwards. I gave it everything I had, and I really did fucking try you know? Anyways I wasn’t sure where I would end up, but I ended up here with loving people who have showed me there are some good people in the world. Not to mention I’ve manage to make more friends that live in Texas. I get to hang out, I get to feel like myself, to feel like I’m doing more for me. I can’t deny the self doubt comes out a lot. But I am proud of the fact that I am trying. So much has changed and yeah I still get very lost. I have a room, and little by little I am placing parts of me. It’s hard to try to maintain some sort of stability my brain is an asshole, you know? It’s a scary process to me, I wanna do as much as I can to repay such gift that was given to me. I’m so grateful I have a home right now. I probably could’ve or well would’ve gone back to California, but I’m not sure what’s there for me anymore aside form my family which I do love. I still think about going back.

Have I mention my dad is pretty sick? He had a stroke not to long ago, and found out the home he was staying at was abusing him. It made me hate the world a little more. I don’t understand what sort of person you have to be to hurt someone who probably can’t even get out of bed on his own. Or speak to defend himself. I’m just hoping that he isn’t in so much pain now. I pray that he isn’t in too much pain, I want him to fight for his life, but I don’t want him to suffer because it hurts my heart to know that he is. He would be a reason to go home, and my mother who’d probably get more ill with the stress. But I want my own life you know? It’s so hard to know if I’m doing the right thing or not. I can’t change the situation, and I probably wouldn’t be able to do much about it.
In October it’ll be 4 years since I’ve been in Texas, I came for a boy and now I’m not sure, but it’s almost been a year since I’ve been single. It’s still strange, but I’m managing… I think. People tell me to get over it, but I think it’s do to the fact that they do not know who I am or how I am. It’s not about holding on because trust me I’ve let go. It’s more about the realization of how everything actually was. But who needs a bf when I have my cat Hyde, he’s the only man I need. Sadly I’ve lost a lot in this past year. Things I cannot talk about, things I know damn well I’ll never get back. Things I wanted so badly, but just wasn’t?? See? I’m not ok you know? Losing parts of me constantly is just exhausting. People who tell me I need to get help, do not realize that not all of us have that privilege. So instead I write, not for attention, not for advice, not for pity. But because it’s what helps me maintain whatever screw I haven’t lost intact.
I want to say thank you, to everyone who has help in any way shape or form. I want to say I appreciate all the support that has been giving to me through my stream, support I thought I’d never have. And it’s all because the people that took me in took chances on me, helped me in way that no one else has ever tried to. They made it possible for me. I may not have a great amount of faith or belief, but I am forever grateful. To everyone that’s a part of my life now, tru meet up’s or internet whichever way. Thank you. I’ll keep trying to fight as long as I can, maybe one day i’ll grow extremely tired. But for now I’ll keep growing as a person and hope you’ll stay by my side.  I don’t know what life has to offer me now, I don’t know where I’ll end up or where I’ll go. I just know that I can do what I can to push forward even with a fucked up mentality, a bad back and well everything that’s broken inside of me. I’ll push forward, I’ll have my bad days and just keep trying to find the good ones.

Thank you.

Ps, I’m too lazy to edit this or to reread it so I’m sorry if anything written sounds dumb, or makes no sense.

 

As I sit here writing this, I think to myself where to even begin?

I’m not sure if I wanted to create this for some type of inspiration, or just to vent for my own sanity. You see, I’m the type of person that finds it hard to trust anyone, yet you’re all strangers and I want to write out what darkness goes on inside my own head. No, I’m not gonna write my life story, but I will share what ideas or thoughts my demons posses me with late at nights. You see lately it’s been hard to breath, it’s been hard to stop myself from sinking.

Heh, it really has been a while huh? They tell me it’ll get better, that it was for the best. Regardless, 3 years seem wasted. Maybe not all of them were, but for the most part, and I’ve bottled so many emotions. Maybe you won’t understand, because hell lets be real neither do I. I guess I’m stuck in a place where I think, or want to believe this is for the best.. But the other part of me just wants to scream, or lay in bed all day and just give up. But giving up is so easy. Maybe this is why it’s the first thing we seek. Let’s be honest pulling yourself together after being torn to pieces is hard. Specially when you feel you lost so much invested time, or emotions, or simply lost yourself.

Me? I’ve always felt I had nothing, I was told I was nothing. Yeah.. I have come to terms with my demons that I can be legit shit because I don’t know how to fight for myself, Either that or I just give up hope. “Hope” funny how we all need something else to believe in, in order to move forward into the futur. It’s understandable, it’s like starting a book, but somewhere along the pages you lost interest and you set that book aside. You probably told yourself “eh I’ll just continue it later” But later never comes as you went along to the next book that caught your interest. We need something to believe in to keep us focus and motivated to not stop breathing.

But what happens when you literally collect all your thoughts day after day, trying your damn hardest to figure it all out, to find solutions to push forward but for some fucking reason you just can’t fucking find the light in it all??? You even go to the extent that you turn it off. You try so hard to turn your brain off, to remove all emotions, to go cold. Because at this point, you have your mind completely set  on, “why the fuck should I keep trying when I can’t even care for myself?”

The funny part is that, for me? Turning everything off is impossible. I feel.. I don’t think I said that loud enough, I FEEL. I fucking feel everything, my pain along with everyone who’s in my life. I know, I more than likely didn’t word any of this correctly. But hey I hope you’re still reading.

I’m pretty sure many think this and many have said this, Emotions are a curse. Having feelings is tragical and expectations is the root to all heartache. At least for me. Sigh… Investing my whole being on someone… Maybe I am to blame. But you know what, All I can say is, I tried. And I think I’m pretty fucking great of a person to just give up.. Or maybe I just say that to make myself believe that I am. I want to believe that I’m some kinda special. but every time after I think or say it outloud my brain tells me “sit the fuck down bitch” lol sorry, but it’s true.

Yes I can be a really negative thinking person, and if you know me, you’d understand why. Specially now more than ever. I don’t think I have ever felt this great of pain before. I feel lost, confused, betrayed, angry… boy.. that’s already a lot of things to feel and there’s so many more. But in the end of the day, I want to feel ok. Ok enough to breath with out it hurting or making me feel guilty for trying. I don’t know if I’ll be ok and I know if I do it’s gonna take time. I been making a lot of changes to figure out who I am now that everything has been said and done. I need to learn how to be ok with myself and in my own skin. I need to figure out my own worth even though others have made me feel completely worthless, and I can’t lie I’m pretty sure I make myself feel like shit and put myself down more than anyone could.

As much as I want to be completely numb to reality, I know I must face it. I also know everything and anything I face will be with my heart on my sleeve and my face full of feelings that I cannot hide from myself or others. I need to feel comfortable with my own demons and welcome them into their worst nightmare. No you don’t know me, you might know of me or about me.. But you don’t know me. Why? Because I don’t even know myself.

As much as I want to continue writing, I think it’s safe to say I need to try to put my brain to sleep. I’m no writer, and I’m not smart enough to correct all my errors, obviously that’s why my life seems so fucked up. But hey cheers to you and this new year. I hope this time around you learn to find yourself, I hope you find your value, what makes you great, what makes other people around you wanting to know more about you. I hope you find your way and you learn to fight for what  you’re worth. Cuz we’re all worth something, minus the shitty people… Because let’s face it, there are really shitty people that walk amongst us. Farewell, untill next time.

xoxo gossip… jk lmfao it’s just me the weirdo with the crazy cat love =)