I am still processing my Thoughts and Feelings about The Magicians, so this will probably mostly be word vomit.

Oh, yeah. Surprise! I watch The Magicians. I'm not sure I've talked about it at all on social media until now? I watched the first and second season in December and was too emotionally exhausted to watch/lost interest in watching more than the first episode of season 3—I think I was tired of Margo and Eliot fucking up ruling Fillory and making so many mystifyingly bad (and internally inconsistent/poorly written) decisions. I found the latter half of the second season clumsily written and probably the weakest section of the show, aside from the beginning of the first season. I'd figure I'd catch up at some point but didn't really think much about it.

But then last week my twitter timeline was full of people furious and upset about the season 4 finale, and I asked ziusik and traceynick to spoil me for the ending. I was intrigued despite myself and spent Saturday bingeing season 3 and Sunday bingeing season 4. Yeah, I know, I'm ridiculous.

I'm actually really glad I was spoiled for Quentin's death because it circumvented me getting pissed about it in real time. And, you know? Having now watched it, I can see how it makes sense for Quentin's narrative arc to end with his death at the end of season 4—with several big ifs. IF they hadn't toyed with the possibility of an Eliot/Quentin romance. IF Quentin hadn't had a history of depression and suicidal tendencies. IF the writers didn't demonstrate a complete lack of understanding about intersectionality—at least beyond race and gender.

Maybe because I knew it was going to happen, I actually ended up being more disappointed/upset that Quentin and Alice got back together than with Quentin's death. I'm happy they reconciled, but it would have been more meaningful/realistic to me if it'd been as friends—partially because I was invested in Eliot/Quentin as endgame, and partially because of how Quentin was behaving the entire season, which very much read to me like he wasn't in love with her anymore. Then one trip down memory lane and everything's okay? The turnaround on that was real quick.

It also felt WORSE that they wrote episode five then reverted to heteronormative bullshit instead of just keeping Quentin straight the entire time. What's the point of confirming the fluidity of Quentin's sexuality if you're not actually going to explore it? The whole "no white male protagonist is safe" bullshit only really works if your white male protagonist is STRAIGHT. What the fuck.

As for the depression/suicide aspect—the "are heroes inherently suicidal" exploration is really only interesting to me if the "hero" isn't already suicidal. Like, god, for fucking real? Yes! I agree that it's a fucked up characteristic and should be explicitly called out more often! But this was not that situation! To such an OBVIOUS degree.

The thing that's truly bewildering to me is that, for the most part, this show is actually good. It's clever and well-written and well-acted and experiments with storytelling in interesting ways and takes narrative risks and mostly makes sense. Even though I don't think it does the greatest job of showing everyone's friendship since there's so much plot going on, it's still solidly written. My expectations for mainstream TV are exceedingly low, but it seemed like the writers got it and were deliberately and knowingly subversive, willing not only to explore so-called social justice/"political" issues, but to do so in a direct and unambiguous way. And I hate that that made me trust the writers more than I normally would, because ultimately they didn't deserve it. I didn't expect them to fuck it up in such a massive way.

Despite all that, I did find the entire scene in the Mirror Realm really beautiful. From both an emotional resonance and a cinematic standpoint, it was kind of perfect; I loved the song, I loved the slow motion, I loved the bright sparks of Quentin's spell contrasted with the desaturation of the surroundings. I'm just sad they wasted it.

Here are some articles/essays that I thought were great:

• On Fannishness, Intersectionality, & a Whole Other Grab-bag of Entitled Millennial Bullshit: An open letter to Sera Gamble, John McNamara, Henry Alonso Myers, and the rest of the creative team for SyFy’s The Magicians by greywash on Medium

• ‘The Magicians’ Finale Broke My Heart, and I’m Not Sure I Can Go Back by Anna Menta on Decider

• The Magicians' Season Finale Missed the Mark on a Huge Mental Health Issue by Amanda Prahl on Popsugar

• Quentin Coldwater is bisexual. Did anyone tell his writers? by Madelyn Glymour