Peer inside the alternate mind of me...

Drinking sucks. It makes you think of the things you are already thinking of, but magnified. Magnified to a point that you can't control how massive it is. Your brain is like "hey, let's take that speck of something that's bothering you and magnify it to such a HUGE magnitude, that it basically consumes any ration you had left"... whatever was left after consuming alcohol of course.
I miss my friend. Do I miss my friend because he died suddenly without making amends? Do I miss my friend because he was a huge impact on my life and now that inspiration is gone? Do I miss that friend because my love for him was deep because played such a huge impact on my life? Do I miss him simply because he is gone? Or do I miss him because I'm supposed to?
All of the above. I miss him because I miss him. Nothing seems to solve that. I find myself randomly getting choked up at a song lyric, at a moment between myself and another friend, or even because I stopped at a stoplight and it reminded me of that one time we dorked out and made the people in the car next to us laugh.
I miss him. It's the most unsimple simple thing in the world. I've never experienced loss like this.
My father passed away when I was 11, but I only knew him from phone calls, letters, and a few visits every year or two. My grandpa passed away when I was 15, almost 16 and I was so sad. I held his hand as he was about to be let off life support. Another grandpa died last year and I hadn't seen him in about a year, but I was so heartbroken when it came to say goodbye. I've a few acquaintances pass away, probably 15 or more years ago since they passed... but this, this is something I've never felt before. Something I didn't know was possible. Someone that had once been my best friend and my gay lover (that's just a funny story in itself). I had never had someone pass away that I had such a strong connection with. Someone that I was connected SO deeply with, that the moment I heard... I was broken.
I'll never forget that day. At least, I hope I actually do.. not because I'm heartless, but because I can remember the second I felt my heart break. No... the second I felt my soul just crumble to pieces.
A friend that I had met through him sent me a Facebook message that he was in a coma and would be let off life support that day. I didn't know how to respond. I had to think about it, because it hadn't actually quite hit me. I still felt.. the ... wow moment. "OMG, no way.." A few messages were exchanged. I kept getting ready for work, just a little off. The moment I pulled from the on ramp to the highway... WHAM. I got slapped in the face. I cried the whole way to work.
I usually walk the whole floor to say hi to my fellow supervisors, my boss, peers, and everyone I pass.. but that day I snuck in the side door, turned on my computer and quietly sat in my corner. My boss messaged me and asked what was going on, because she noticed I didn't walk by, bubble with hello's... I simply let her know what was going on. At that moment she told me to go home and I quietly snuck out.
After I got home, I followed the play by play on Facebook - another friend I'd met through him was letting a few of us know what was going on. It was time to say goodbye. I was hours, states away.. I didn't know how I was supposed to say goodbye. I texted him a message that I knew he'd never get. I called his mom and left a message that I knew would break her heart. I didn't know what to do. I was lost.
I laid on the couch and cried. Cried. Cried and cried. My cat, who normally doesn't snuggle, let me lay on him, cry and sleep.
I went back to Montana, both for my brothers wedding - and one of my best friends memorials. I had held so much in, that I thought I'd finally have a release once I saw my family. Not that I thought they would understand the severity of the loss, but that they would understand that I had lost a friend.. a close friend (whether or not we were fight at that one time in our 15 year friendship.. the fight no one but us and our closest knew about). The few times I brought it up.. my mom made it about her and losing her system, my aunt. Totally understandable, but I felt so disregarded. This whole time I'd waited to be merely comforted by a hug from my family. I had dealt with this loss for 2 weeks on my own. I was hoping my parents, my family my closest loved ones would each comfort me in their own way. I understand this is ridiculous, but all I wante was a hug saying "Kristi.. are you ok?" Maybe I couldn't answer that question.. maybe I could.. But no one actually asked me. In fact, the few times I brought it up to my mom, she turned it into how she was feeling about my aunt recently passing. Don't get me wrong... that adversely affected me - but Tye overrode thyat for me. He had embedded himself in my life. He was part of my imprint.
It's been 6 months 1 week 2 day and some hours... I still cry with a lyrics, a sound, a memory, or just.. living.
I miss my friend. I've never experienced loss like this. People don't talk about this kind of loss. They keep it to themselves. Or at least people aren't comfortable with this loss. No one has asked me how I am or maybe, not one just realizes I was impacted way over my head. Then again, I've never opened myself up to anyone the way I opened myself up to him. Maybe that's the problem. Or maybe no one knows what to say. Or maybe no one even knows I'm suffering.
I suffer every day. Every single day I think about him. Every single day I get sad when a thought crosses my mind. Not every day is a bad day, but some days are. I don't know how to cope with it and I certainly don't know how to expect anyone else to know how to react to it.
So I just don't talk about it. Simple as that. Sometimes his name slips or I reminisce about a memory. I don't know if it makes people uncomfortable because they know that I'm hurting because of it or I don't know if people even know I'm hurting. Because I do. Daily. Hourly. My heart hurts. My soul has felt like it's leaking and I don't know why.
Is it normal for someone to feel like this after a friend passes away? Is it normal for someone to feel like this after a friend you were fighting with and you haven't talked talked to for a year passes away? What is normal? What constitutes as I'm going bat shit crazy? I don't even know.
I don't know because I can't talk about it. It feels like a burden to talk about it with anyone. The only one I feel like I can talk to is his mother, but I feel like poop, because she is hurting so much herself.
Am I crazy? Maybe I'm just ridiculous and need to get past it. I hadn't talked to him in a year, except a drunk text message 6 months prior that I sent, he answered, but I never responded to.. because once I was sober, I was annoyed with myself that I caved and talked to him.
Damn I miss him. His laugh. His ridiculous taste for fashion A) he couldn't afford and B) that was sometimes ugly! haha
I guess it all boils down to.. hell, I don't know what it boils down to. My heart hurts. My head is confused and damn it.. I miss my friend.

Every day I just feel like I'm drowning. My anxiety eats me. Depression laps at my heels. I just don't know how to feel. I still can't process that Tye is gone. Every day. Multiple times a day I think of him. I think "he can't be gone." But he is. He's gone. My heart aches. My eyes well with tears. My soul feels cracked. I search the internet in hopes of a book that will help me deal with my feelings or search for a grief therapy group that would understand how crushed I feel. But I find nothing. Every day I wrestle with the smile I plaster on my face and I try not to mention his name or find some way to incorporate him into conversation, but it happens. He's always on the edge of my mind. I never imagined I'd ever hold a bag full of ashes and feel the bottom of my heart drop out and let the sobs take me over. I never imagined I would ever feel this.. alone.. this broken.. this lost. I don't know how people overcome this. It hurts. It hurts so much that I feel the tightening in my chest. How can people function with loss?
I just miss my friend. I miss his laugh. God forbid, I miss the amazing sex. I miss his bitchiness. I miss his love for gross things. I just miss him. I miss the idea of him. I miss his soul and I miss his love. I know I'll always have his love - but I miss knowing that someone in this world felt a connection to me. And now that person is gone. I'm sinking and I don't know what to grab onto. I can't let this take me over, but I can't find the super glue for my heart.

It's been almost exactly 12 hours since I heard the news. I can't believe how much life can change in 12 hours. I'm devestated. Heartbroken. Guilty. Sad. Pissed off. I'm so many things, I can't even process it. I hate how I left things with him. I'm racked with the guilt and loss I feel over not talking to him for the last year. I'm at a loss that I never returned his text in December because I was still so angry and hurt. I'm pissed off that he did this. I'm just... over stimulated with emotions for my friend. Tye was a huge part of my life. He consumed an entire stage of my soul. I just can't believe he is gone. He was my best friend and my fiercest nemesis. He was my friend. My lover. My confidant. And just a great, tortured soul. I regret so much, but I'm so happy that he will always be in my heart.  I wish I could have talked to him one last time and let him know that I will always be his friend. Through every fight we've ever had, we've always remained friends. I hope he knew that and I hope he felt my love through all the miles and silence. I've cried hours of tears for my friend. A piece of my heart died today.
My heart hurts for all the hearts that hurt for him today and I wish that his soul can finally fly free and peacefully.
I love you Tye. Always and Forever.

So I'm kind of at a loss and this will probably be a quick entry, because my mind is already spinning, it's almost 11 pm, and I have 2 interviews tomorrow, plus work. That's right.
Some how I've manged to score a phone interview for a director of marketing for FMDH back home as well as a supervisor position for my current job in a call center. Of course the DOM is pretty much my ideal career. I don't know if I have the interview because of lack of candidates, or because who my father is at the hospital. Either way, I feel like barfing right now. There isn't a chance in hell that I would actually get the position, but the idea of getting it is freaking me out. Again, I'm not qualified because I've NEVER held a marketing position in my short 8 months with a BS in Marketing, but somehow.. I have a phone interview.
Would I want to move back to Glasgow? I mean, really? It's almost like that's my end game. That's it. I'm back. Never leaving. On the other hand, it would be an amazing opportunity. I'm never going to get it, but I'm scared of the possibility. I don't even know what to say during the interview. My mom says "they know you're inexperienced, dazzle them with your personality." PSShhhh.. cause that's what gets jobs. UGH. My brain hurts. My heart is racing. And I want to throw up.
On the other hand, I feel like the supervisor position is half in the bag. Which is NOT where I saw myself "when I grew up," nor is it what I spent 33K getting an education on. But it would be SLIGHTLY (not much) more money and a little more prestige. But come on. It's a fucking call center supervisor. Granted, I'd be one of the best they ever had. But what if I didn't get it? What if I didn't get either? I honestly don't know if I could handle it.
The center manager all but promised me the position, but what if I bomb or joke at the wrong time or can't think of an appropriate response? Then again, she already knows me and how I work.
I'm just... overwhelmed right now. I feel like bursting out in tears because of the unknown. I hate the unknown. I love it, but hate it because it's so uncontrollable and right now I feel the need to feel controlled.
I just want something in life I can be proud of. Sure, I've made it own my own. Yeah, I have achievements that I have a damn right to be proud of. But dang it.. I just want to feel like I've made my little mark on the world. But that isn't going to happen in a call center. And it sure as hell isn't going to happen in Glasgow, Montana.
But I want it all. Damn it. I want it all.

Some days I feel like I'm the little blue train. I'm pretty sure I have the motivation and the skill to get up the big mountains and around the obstacles. The other days I'm like.. meh.. fuck it.. Imma sit on the couch and drink my diet coke.
I really feel like I should get myself motivated again, because I just paid $32,000 for a college education that is currently sitting in a frame on top of my air conditioner while I continue working at my $16 something an hour job. I think the fear of the unknown is what is getting me. I'm afraid to start over. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I'll have to work even harder for less money. I'm afraid I'll suck at the interview. I'm afraid I won't be dressed as nicely as the people I would (potentially) be working with. I'm afraid they just won't give me a chance.

I just gotta do it damn it. Just gotta do it.

That's really all for now.

So... seriously fucking confused. I could tell he had a few drinks, because he is never this open. But what the fuck. And seriously... this was where our conversation ended. I shit you not, my texts were the last. Passed out or went to bed, who knows.. Then I made the mistake of getting SHIT faced the next day and this has been weighing heavily on my mind. So I called my best buddies Chad and Rick and cried my heart out. And I may have drunk dialed Keith like 10 times. But I told him I wanted to talk to him damn it! You don't just leave this kind of a sprung conversation (one that we have NEVER even talked about) then walk fucking away!
I have a fear of ending up alone, but I also have a desire to have children. They are very conflicting. Then again, this all could be a bunch of worry and anxiety over nothing. I just don't know what to think, because the stupid fuck won't actually talk to me. Oh yeah, I've tried texting him. I've mentioned a few times that I want to talk. But NOOOOOOOO. In fact, I finally gave up tonight and told him I'd leave him alone and he can talk to me later if he wants. 61 minutes later, he responds "Just gone done drinkin... worked and ordered parts for the camper." Yeah.. oh fucking kay.. that's EXACTLY what I wanted to talk about.
I'm really at a spot that I don't know what to do. It's obvious Keith is a little North Dakota slow, but for some reason, I like that, because he likes me as quirky as I am (at least I think so). But I can't handle this non-chalont attitude he's been raised with that you can get back to people when you want. I swear to God he was raised without feelings.
Quick side note, I text back about the fucking camper.. already got a response. Impressive. Ugh. I just wanna roll my eyes.
I am just not quite sure what to do, because he gives me such mixed signals. Thank God I have a best friend that will listen to me bawl and just be dumb. This has me torn apart and I feel like I just caved and crumbled when he wouldn't talk about it again. Part of me thinks it's because even though I want kids (PS, another text back), I struggle with the fact that I may never have any anyways, so I should just settle with the relationship that will at least give me something more than I already have in my life. Someone. Simply someone. Then again, my friends think I should just blow this relationship.. wait, I mean this "relationship" out the window, because it really has just been what it is for 5 years now. Don't get me wrong, with a slight expectation of more, this has really worked perfectly. A few pisses and moans, but really, meh... oh well. I just don't know. I'm not pretty, thin, successful, and a list of other adjectives that describe everyone else but me, so really.. I should just take what I can get.
Oh yeah.. that offer is only 30% on the table according to this BS posted below.
I dunno... then after I obviously get pissed and stop texting, he starts. Even saying he wishes he could be here this weekend, but he gets the holidays off (July 4) I'm annoyed. So annoyed. UGH

My eyes are burning. I can't cry anymore. My poor baby kitty Jose is gone. It was so quick. When I got home last night, something was definitely wrong. Somehow I talked myself into thinking he was a bit better, but tired, when I went to bed. When I woke up, he had a heartbeat, but wasn't moving. I got him to a vet within a half hour and he was gone. My poor little kitty. I feel like it's all my fault for not taking him last night. They don't know what happened, because they never examined him before hand and I think it would make me worse to get an autopsy and find out there was something I could have done.
They figure he either got into something toxic or it was his heart. I can't think of ANYTHING he would have gotten into.
I'm just heartbroken. Milo was panicking for awhile and he was super cuddly today. I miss my kitty.
Jodi sent me flowers and Brita and Ryan brought me dinner and a card. Plus countless love on Facebook and texts. It's been a long day and I'm just sad and exhausted. My heart hurts for my fluffy little black cowardly lion.
You have my heart Joserificus. I love you forever.

I'm pretty much out of things to say by now. It's too bad... I've had some great thoughts tonight!