So today it just dawned on me that my Machine Transcription class is the perfect one to sneak and update my journal in.. Who would have thunk it? I'm totally dragging today though. Today we had a two-hour delay but it's been canceled altogether for the past 2 days. Blech. These people oughta feel privileged that I showed up at all...
Anyway, back to my life..
Jazmin has been growing faster everyday. She's almost 7 months old now and just now starting to figure out how to crawl. I predicted that she'd get it by Valentine's Day so I'm really close. She army crawls everywhere she wants to go and knows how to get up on her hands and knees and knows how to push off with her feet and knees, but coordinating all the moves together is proving to be the real challenge. She'll get it very soon though. I have a bright child.
T-Vizzle is engaged now. I got nosy and looked at his g/f's myspace page. Her status update said that she was "ingaged" lol. They're a perfect match. She's 25 and stupid enough to think that a deadbeat, unemployed, immature loser is a great catch, and to top it all off, she can't even spell the word "engaged" LOL...
The "W" is a guy that used to conduct business with the Vizzle and no longer does since someone Vizzle is close to or Vizzle himself stole $150 from him. Well lately, I've been at odds with the kid. He's definitely sending me mixed signals. Some days he tries to sweet-talk me and calls me at random hours and does sweet little favors for me. But then other times he ignores me and forgets I exist for a week. So, I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt. Let's face it, he had a different name, and a different face, but I've totally dated him before. Been there, done that. The only reason I'm entertaining the idea at all is because I'm just bored, damnit. I crave male attention. Sue me. It's been over 8 months since I've had any sexual contact at all and I'm quickly approaching a state of desperation. I've been trying to fight it because if this state of mind lasts for too long it can lead to a ho-phase lol. I dunno if I've said it before, but I'm trying a new approach to the dating scene. I've realized that in order for me to find a gentleman, I'm going to have to act like a lady. But it's scary how painfully slow your love life moves along when you're trying to act like a lady. Moving slow isn't really one I've my strong points.
Blech. Anywho, other than the usual stressors life is perty darn good these days. Sometimes I'm still lonely, but then Jazz makes me smile. Sometimes I still have a lot of regrets, but then Jazz gives me a wet kiss. Sometimes I still drop a tear at random when I think about things too hard, but that's healing too... Slowly, but surely, life goes on...
Hmm, sneaking around in a class I'm not supposed to be in again. I <3 substitute teachers that don't know what's going on half the time. Just found out what my schedule is supposed to be. Apparently I'm in the Office Administration program technically, but I'm also in the Medical Information Specialist program. We'll see how this all works out. I'm still hoping for the best as long as I can keep my head in the game.
Oh I came up with a new revelation this morning, you can't officially complain about the snow until you've busted your ass in it. Check. Lol.
Jazzy is doing EXCELLENT. I'm so proud of my pretty little brown baby girl. Just the other day I caught her rolling over from her back to her tummy. She's been getting from tummy to back since forever now, but back to tummy has proved to be more difficult. When I saw her do it for the 1st time the other day she did it so fast I flipped her back over just to make sure she actually did it on her own. So I think she's been secretly practicing for a while now lol. A couple weeks ago I started giving her rice cereal which she gobbles down like an old pro. Last week I added a little bananas, and this week I tried applesauce. She devoured both eagerly, but she still likes Mama the best. It just makes me feel so good watching her grow and figure things out. I now know what true love feels like, and it's AMAZING. Loving her has made me realize how few people I have truly, truly loved.
I'm most definitely not supposed to be on here right now. Let's see how much I can get away with before the teacher comes back into the room.
Jazzy's doing great, she's 3 months old now. She's fat and greedy. 98th percentile. 13lbs!!
Thomas is a no-show. No help at all and hasn't tried to see her since she was 3 weeks old. But I hear he and his marshmallow-looking g/f are happy. They have a dog. Cute. He can afford to buy cigarettes, beer, drugs, a dog, and everything it needs...but still won't help out with his own daughter. Good job, deadbeat.
Luckily we're doing absolutely excellent without his dumb skanky ass. You can see the pictures they took of her in the hospital at a website called our365.com. Jazmin Mason. Born 07/13/2009 at CAMC Women's and Children's Hospital.
I'm unemployed ans Thomas keeps saying that it's okay but it's driving me crazy. The plan was aways for me to not get a job until after we move. We figured it'd just more sense that way, especially since neither one of us have a car. So to gat Charleston job would be rather dumb because I'd only be albe to keep it for a month or two. But since at this time we still don't know where we're going to move to it's been put on hold. At this time we have thrown ourselves into one of the more hectic of situations. We really want to move before I get too big and uncomfortable. I'm probably not going to start getting really big until about 6 months really, but by that time that'll be the month of the wedding. That'd be even more hectic. So we need to be settled in by March 1st. So since we have to give 30 days notice, this means that we have to give it by Friday, January 30.And at this time we have absolutely no money. That gives us the next two weeks to get February's rent together by the 1st. Then throughout the month of February (while we're packing) we'll also be trying to figure out exactly where the hell we're moving to in the first place. Our whole entire scheme is based on the fact that we're expecting to get our tax returns back during the month of February. Now go ahead how tell me how much of a hare-brained idea that one is? It's just like at this point we don't have much of a choice anymore. I fucking hate living there. I spent quite sometime crying over how I didn't want to move there after the fire. I hated it then and I couldn't stand the idea of living there for a month, let alone a year. So now we've been there over a year. I can't take it anymore, I need to get the hell out of there. People are saying that Obama wants to pass a bill in February giving us another stimulus check for $500 per person or $1,000 per working family. It would be issued around the same time as last year, around May. It'd be even stupider to way for that. By then that's be trying to move at the beginning of June and the baby is due due July 2nd. Trying to move into a place while I'm 9 months pregnant? BAD IDEA. Not to mention, noone is even sure that we're even getting a 2nd one.
In the meantime Mom hasn't been doing too well. She fell asleep and didn't regain conciousness for two days again. Fluid is buliding around her heart making it hard for it to flex the way it needs to. Think of the word congestion associated with a buildup of fluid. My mom has congestive heart failure. Her heart function is back down to 25%. It not like I expect my mom to live to a ripe old age but there is absolutely nothing I can do to fully and completely face the reality of losing my mom. I'm so scared I don't even know what to do with myself, I try not to dwell on it so much but now that she's been doing so much worse it's like those subconcious demons are back, stronger than ever, and are dancing around in my head all day long no matter how much I try to destract myself.
So that's where I am right now. And let me tell you, I really don't want to be here.
Wish me luck.
Current Music
Chuck periodically trying to break into the bathroom..
I've been putting off even thinking about Christmas for so long but it's finally crept up on me and it's not just going to go away. Supposedly Thomas's mom and brother are coming in for Christmas and his mom wants to buy us something for the baby. That freaks me out.
ANYWAY, I've reached the mindset that if I can't afford it, I can't have it. I don't whine about it, i don't cry, I just do without. If it's something I really really want I'll save my money or make sacrafices in other areas to get it. I don't know how to ask people for things anymore. It's to the point where I hold back tears when someone even offers to do something really nice for me. I literally often have to turn my head away or quickly change the subject so that the person doesn't see my eyes tearing up or hear my voice choke. I get this immediate overwhelming feeling of shame. Like, I immediately feel like the biggest loser in the world to have to ask someone for ANYTHING. To me it's like admitting defeat, admtting that I'm too much of a loser to do things for myself, admitting that I can't live the adult life on my own. And then I even feel guilty. Guilt for what, I'm not entirely sure.
But anyway, now everyone wants to buy me stuff for the baby and I literally don't know how to ask for what I need/want. Not without getting depressed about it anyway. I have naturally rather expensive tastes. It's something I've been working on supressing. Anyhow, what if I ask someone for the very best of something and they secretly have to scrimp and save and make sacrifices to buy that thing for me? I CAN'T DO THAT. That's my job. I'm an adult.
Don't you just love how certain areas of the internet are just like high school? I think it's pretty hilarious. Namely, Myspace.
See, the day before yesterday I left a myspace status update saying that Thomas and I would probably be both less stressed if I just went ahead and broke up with him and started demanding child support.
The argument that was the root of that had happened the night before and we went to bed angry with the problem unresolved. Anyhow, I needed him to know that I'm not just going to get over it and problems don't just go away on their own. Otherwise, I honestly would be under less stress by now if I had commited to do this on my own.
Sometimes, I just really think that I would prefer to do this on my own. I'm tired of all the bullshit and I'm on a deadline here. I can't sit around and wait for Thomas to grow up whenever he decides that it's a bright idea. I'm on a deadline here and I'm not going to go through the same old bullshit with a baby in tow.
It got to the point where I was like, "Don't ask me for shit anymore. You buy your own damn food, cook your own damn food, and wash your own fucking dishes. Wash your own clothes. Buy your own detergent. By the way, I hope you like the floor because I own the bed too." His response was, "Well, don't ask me to find pot for you anymore." And that right there illustrated each of our investments into this relationship. I told him that too.
Anyhow, I left that status update on Myspace and in less than 4 hours, Thomas knew although he has no computer access, let alone internet access. I was throughly amused.
Anyway, long story short we made up AGAIN like we always do. He said he was sorry and he'll try harder not to be an asshole and help me more around the house and make permanent changes.... And I've heard all that before too. Why do I keep doing this? Running around in circles, contradicting myself, refusing to do what my heart tells me would probably be best for me? I guess that's human nature? I don't know. I can't bring myself to delve into this issue much deeper. I may do something drastic that I'll severely regret later. I need to get out. I need to be somewhere else other than home or school all the time. I'm pretty sure I'm developing cabin fever, and all I do is sit on the couch and watch t.v. I mean, it's not like I'm home doing anything productive, like trying to find my bedroom floor, or anything like that. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm the Master Procrastinator.
I hope I don't end up killing myself over this Christmas break.
I had my first OB/Gyn appointment yesterday. It took away a bit of my fears. As it turns out I really like the guy. I figure it's rather important to feel like you're in good hands with the doctor you're entrusting to deliver your baby. He's an older guy, perhaps around 55 or 60? Kind, compassionate looking eyes, which are very important.
Anyhow they did a multitude of tests, blood screenings, pelvic exam, breast exam, pap smear, internal pelvic exam, and an ultrasound.
And the results of the ultrasound show that my little peanut is 11 weeks old which takes my due date estimate back down to July rather than June. Doc said that because this is my first and my youth, I should expect him around the last week of June rather than thinking about July. Oh yeah and I got ultrasound pics which is super neat, of course. What can I say, it was my first time getting a glimpse of the little guy!
So everything looks fine and great and I'm in good health so far.
My next appointment is in the 1st week of January and by then I'll be 16 weeks along. So there's a chance I could find out what I'm having then. After that he wants to see me again at 18 weeks for a blood test or something and he'll be able to tell definitely by then anyway. Then after that it'll just be every month till I get closer to my due date.
Welp...that's my update. Hope you enjoyed it. I'll keep you posted. Whoever "you" are.
I really really really don't want to be here at school today. I just want this friggin semester to be OVER already!! I dunno how much more of this I really can take. Luckily, I have a couple finals today, one on Thursday, and then I think 1 more next week that I can actually finish this week if I decided to put my nose the grindstone. Right now I need to worry about if my English teacher is going to pass me. Last class period she was conferencing each individual student on this past essay that we turned in. She gets to me and says,"Erica, what, exactly did I tell you last time?" Me: Huh? Teach: What did I tell you last time about your last essay? Me: Is this a rhetorical question? Teach: Look Erica, I can't help you. Me: What?? Teach: If you refuse to learn, than I can't teach you. I'm done. Go take your seat. Me: Dr. Anaporte, I really don't have any idea what you're talking about right now. Could you tell me what I need to fix on this essay? Teach: Look Erica, this isn't a debate. I already told you to take your seat. I cannot help you.
So I calmly said...."Okay," gathered my belongings, and left the classroom. She gave me 75 points out of 100, deducting 10 points because I didn't have a staple. I don't think I've properly explained my relationship with my English teacher. She's a bitter, self-righteous, alcoholic bat. Personally, I'm not a fan, and I guess she isn't really too fond of me either. Whatever. Don't care. Just DO NOT grade me on a personal level. That's not fucking fair, no matter how you look at it. So I've made sure that I've kept all of my essays and assignments and their all at least passing grades. I just need to get through this semester, I mean come on, I have 2 weeks left. If at the end of the semester she gives me a failing grade, I will fight the hell out of it. I don't really give a shit, she can hate me all she wants to, but I will not stand to fail when I have not produced failing work. I just have a bad feeling that she'll try to throw me under the bus at the last minute. The cunt rag. Anyhow, other than that I'm just trying to get the hell through these last few days of school. Wish me luck.
Oh yeah, I have my 1st appointment with my OB/Gyn tomorrow morning. I'm rather nervous for some reason. I guess it's because I still have this underlying disbelief that I'm actually pregnant. I still have practically no symptoms, I haven't felt anything, and I'm not showing. I know, I know, being as chunky as I am, it'll take quite a while for me to actually have a noticeable pooch but still... I'm a natural born skeptic. Then this whole business about whether I'm 16 weeks pregnant or 9 weeks pregnant-that'd make anyone wonder. I lost all that weight basically starting over last summer and carrying over to this spring. I want to lose more but over this summer I hit a plateau of around 175lbs. Throughout the week I'd fluctuate around that mark, either a few pounds above or below. So that was all summer long... Now, I'm 172lbs. Huuuh? So whatever. I have this worst case scenario in my head of me going in there and the Dr. says, "I'm sorry to tell you, but you are no longer pregnant. Looks like you lost it over a week ago." I know that's improbable considering 2 weeks ago we could hear a heartbeat but still...... At 16 weeks the baby i supposedly almost 5 inches long and my uterus is 3 inches below my belly button. Fingerprints, blinking, rolling around in there. Shouldn't I feel something by now??? What-ev. I guess I'll just have to wait and see tomorrow. Watch, being a 1st time mom and all, I'm going to have this suspicion and skepticism throughout the pregnancy...if one still exists. Arrrrrgggghhhh!!
Dear Gwen, I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it the night you picked your nose in your car and I saw you drive over the Catholic priest. I'm sure you're slutty enough to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning our matching Snoopy underwear to you, but I'll keep your neighbor's dog as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break your legs and you ruined my attempts at another world war.
I just really don't feel like doing a damn bit of anything today. It's terrible. I've got the rumblies in my tumblie and I probably just need to fart or something equally disgusting. It's bad enough schleping 25lbs of books around on your back anyway but my back is already killing me to begin with. But my biggest obstacle so far is surviving the school day without a nap. Over the break I got really used to being able to take an hour or so out of the middle of the day to just lay down and rest. Luxury annulled. Now all my teacher effing expect me to be able to pay attention in class?? WTF?
I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital. I started bleeding the night before and it hadn't stopped by the morning so I went in. They told me that I'm fine. They asked me how far along I am and I told them 9 weeks. When the clinic first told me I was pregnant that was based on my hormone levels through blood work. Based on that level they determined that I was around 7 weeks along. 2 weeks later would make me 9 weeks...right? Well, at the hospital they did another blood test of course and based on those new hormone levels from the SAME LAB and the size of my uterus, they determined that I'm 14 weeks along. Where the hell did a whole month go??? The good thing to come out of it was Thomas and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time which was super neat. But now everyone has me worried that I might be pregnant with twins. There aren't very many other explanations as to how or why my body is a month ahead of schedule. So I finally chose an OB/Gyn and I'll be seeing him next Wednesday. Holy crap. Finding out I'm pregnant is one thing but twins?? Wish me luck.
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