i made it to california. twas quite an experience. i've been here a little over a month.. everythings great :) i love andrew.. more than i've ever felt before. he's great.. havent had internet for a month.. just found out there was a mobile for livejournal which i'm extremely happy about. i finallyy got a job.. at subway lol. i'm gonna be the store manager after a few weeks which i'm real excited about. i was only a shift leader before. californias nice, but we do eventually plan to move to maine. i'm going home to visit in october. oh, and i've cut my hair just below my ears and dyed it all black with one small blonde streak. havent quit smokin just yet.. but cut back a lot! sometimes its hard cause of lack of money but our roommate aarons cool, and andrew puts me above all else. last night i was sooo sick from walking for over an hour in 100 degree weather and he shut off his game and tucked me in and took care of me because i was so miserable. he really is the best thing to ever happen to me. :)
I broke another goal but whatever. My problem is I need to break my goals into as small as possible, so when I accomplish it, I have that amazing feeling of accomplishment, and my mind is set to ease and I will continue to move further. But there are just so many things I want to change it's very over whelming at this point. And a lot of it takes time. A lot of time. And I feel like I want it all to be here, right this second. And I have no one to help. Because at this point, I have so many friends, but no one who is beside me at all times with support, encouragement, and all the things I need at this moment in my life. Kendra is my best friend and I love her to death, she's been my rock for the last couple of years, but still, not even a best friend can fill the whole that is completely empty in my life like a significant other can.
Then theres the problem with time. I don't have time to dedicate myself to someone else like I do in a relationship. I don't have the time or energy to deal with what comes with being in a committed relationship. I'm being pulled into two directions. And all I'm left with is this internal struggle day in and day out.
It's not easy putting your life back together after years of neglect. I can do this though. I can pull through it, and thats all I have to keep telling myself. Because at the end of the day, all there really is, is me. All I really need to worry about is making myself happy. And that is a feat I have not ever accomplished. And somewhere, somehow someone will find me. And I will be happy, and complete.
I'm feeling a little sad tonight. And wanting to jump the gun on the goals I want to accomplish and I keep forgetting I have to continue to take small steps forward so I don't lunge myself 10 steps backwards in the process. I have definitely learned my lesson; I will tell you that. As long as I move slowly and steadily I will accomplish exactly what I need, but if I don't have some sort of accomplishment in the next few days I can see myself going back to the dark place.
Work has been going really well lately, and thats my biggest plus right now. I haven't given one of my days away or called off at work in 2 weeks. Thats a huge accomplishment for me. I have also tried to be more responsible with my money lately and it lasts me more than just 2 or 3 days, which is great.
But there are so many things I want to be able to do and I know I have to start making small steps towards other goals too. But I'm so exhausted I can't bring myself to start.
I really want everything to just be good now, and I could really use some emotional support right now, yet my person is non existent. He is not by my side. Who are you? Where are you? And why aren't you here when I need you?
February will be a good month for me. I will make it a good month for me. I will do the best that I can, and not give up.
But because of that, I won't be writing. I really need to be able to open up to someone, like a friend. I didn't realize how bad I was with it until recently. I will be back at the end of the month with an update, telling you guys how wonderful things are.. hopefully!. Wish me luck :)
Fuck, I just watched "He's Just Not That Into You", and cried, when people got together. Literally bawled my eyes out when GiGi and Alex got together, and when Neil proposed to Beth finally.
but i gotta keep some kind of faith, cause what else am i going to do but rot away alone?
All I know, is that this movie helped me see what a real relationship is supposed to be like and that I don't have to settle.
Did I take the right road when I came to the fork in the road? Did I really walk down the one where things progressively work out better for me? Please say I did. Please don't tell me this is one of those roads that you think are good, but end up being the worst in the end.
Not only did I get a promotion and a raise at work, and more hours.. but I have an interview at Professional Cleaning Services at 1pm on Monday afternoon. He sounded like he had only 3 open interviews for the position and he wanted to hire quickly.. hopefully, this works out for me. This is the place that is my starting point. This is one of those businesses that I was saying would hire someone with tons of customer service background but no front desk experience. This is my stepping stone.
Can I do this? Can I hold on to this feeling? How long will this last? How long will it be before my RMD kicks in and I give up and become a zombie again? Can I really slowly turn my life around? Everyone, please be thinking of me. I could really use any thing at this point.
Whats better, is that I feel fine, I feel content, and I am alone. Sure, after what Kendra told me I was a little sad. But you know, of course, I'm always going to miss and love him. She just brought that realization to light. But it's never going to feel like it did before. And now I know my life is destine to go in another direction. A better direction. And the reason why none of these fools worked out is because they weren't the right direction, and because I am not ready for that just yet. I have a lot of work to do, and I can't put it aside to make someone else happy. And when I do find someone they'll support me in every decision and not ask me to compromise. They will be going in the same direction as me.
I feel so enlightened the last few days. I really have been in a great mood, better than I have in months. I feel truly calm and content. I am enjoying just being alive. I can get out of bed. I owe this to a few of my friends. Thank you for talking to me, thank you for helping me see what I needed to see, and thank you for believing I was resilient enough to do so.
I just realized why I'm so unhappy. It's kind of liberating.
Flowers for Algernon made me have an epiphany and to stop relying on others advice to make decisions.
Now American Beauty made me realize I am not in this world to please any of you - but myself. If you care you will not talk behind my back, and you will not judge me, and you will care about my happiness. You will not make me fit into the rules of what you think life should be. Because everyone is different.
And I just realized there are only a select few that would back me for my decisions even if they didn't agree with them. And I think if you read this, you know who you are. Thank you, for being a true friend. Because true friends don't stop speaking because I've been depressed and not doing the things I used to enjoy. True friends understand me, and they understand I am a very complicated person. And will be there, when I need them, just like they know, I'll pull through anything, to be there for them.
And thats what true friendship is about.
I'm glad I decided to watch this movie instead of painting. I have a whole new view of things right now and I just feel good. I want to continuing feeling good.
i am now a shift leader at work! thats right. promotion and raise, and i get to have more control over people. pah. take that assholes. i work my ass off - thats why i got lots of hours and thats why i'm yo boss now.
