Everyone wants to be 'Uber' at something

So for the last few years I’ve been trying to ‘sexy up’ female scientists. We’re inundated constantly with images of moronic Real Jersey Kardashian Housewife sluts. Not one of them I would even trust to bake a pi (see what I did there). But seriously, if we want to see smarter women, we have to make it less appealing to be stupid. That’s why I love finding female scientists and try to find their sexy side.

But what happens when a scientist is already sexying up her science? Well it just makes my job that much easier.

Meet Natalia Avseenko, a crazy Russian diver who works naked with Beluga whales, yeah sure the whales are already nekkid, which is what makes it hot, whales are total nudists. She’s not particularly know as a scientist, but you might know her for holding the World’s Record for freediving without fins or weights at 57 meters. Jean Reno eat your heart out.

Now I’m not sure if this is an example of Marine Biologist humor, but these scientists had convinced Natalia that Beluga Whales don’t like the feeling of synthetic materials against their skin (who does?), so if she wanted to swim within touching distance, she was gonna have to drop trou, oh did I mention that Belugas typically only hang out in water that is best described as ‘ARCTIC’. Yeah, I’m guessing she coulda cut diamonds with those nips. Now that’s a video her Russian yoga beau shoulda threw on Youtube.

Natalia is a professor of Cross-Cultural Communications at Moscow State University. I’m thinking she’s seeking more Cross-SPECIES Communications with her forays into the Deep Blue and that language is the Language of LOVE. I get the impression that Russians love getting nekkid for a good cause. American women could learn a lot from these Slavic Sluts (of course I mean that in the most endearing way, I mean who doesn’t love sluts?).

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

There is only one thing that is better than Googling Hot Scientists and checking out their bodies… of work.

That is when one of the single hottest scientists I’ve EVER seen shows up on your doorstep with a mobile phased array radar.

I give you Dr. Karen Ann Kosiba and her hot, throbbing X Banned Penetrating R-ADAR

A little background on our Hot Doctor Twister Tester.  She’s a good midwestern girl, gaining her undergraduate degree in Chicago before running off to the wiles of Ohio for her post grad work, she started doing field work at CSWR towards her PhD in 2003 and finally completed her PhD in 2009 as one of the esteemed Boilermakers of Purdue U. The title of her

Her dissertation is entitled: A Comparison of Radar Observations to Real Data Simulations of Axisymmetric Tornadoes, it’s obviously an analysis of the axisymmetric three-dimensional wind field in a tornado using mobile radar observations. Sounds exciting and I’m sure it’s full of fancy colorful animations of vortexes which are best viewed under the influence of hallucinogenics.

Fun Fact: Purdue University has produced 22 astronauts including Neil Armstrong.

Dr. Karen is now a senior meteorologist with the Center for Severe Weather Research, Boulder, Colorado.

She sounds of angels, here’s some video of her being passionate!

OK, one more, does she ever stop smiling? I just want to put her in my pocket for a rainy day, especially if there is a chance of tornadoes.

She’s been on tour promoting the IMAX movie “Tornado Alley” which has been premiering around the country.

Sorry to be so short but I need to go, I’m plotting some turbulence in my pants…

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

Good catch recently by the Renaissance Man, Big Mike Davis. He asked if I could include Dr. Tracy Caldwell Dyson to our ever growing list of Hot Scientists. I was happy to oblige after reading up on this certifiable rocket scientist. We’ve been checking out Hot Scientists for a few years now. Some of them, more hot than others, but nothing is hotter than a Hot Astronaut Scientist. The idea of her lady bits floating about in microgravity makes at least part of me defy gravity.

Dr. Dyson received her PhD in Chemistry from UC Davis. It’s apparent that by Chemistry, we’re talking Sex Appeal, I mean how many pictures of people in spacesuits make you want to crawl in there with them? She could be the only person that can make Mass Spectrometer sound erotic.

This Aggie first made it to space on STS 118 back in 2007 which rendezvoused with the ISS. She already had a taste for borscht from years of training in Russia so when the Russians offered her a ride back up to the ISS for an extended vacation that included more spacewalking than Michael Jackson. She spent nearly6 months floating about ‘experimenting’ like some UConn Sorority girl.

This hot brainiac was bringing sexy back to the International Space Station.  I can’t be sure, but if there was anyone who would know what the ‘beast with two backs’ looks like in space, I’m thinking it’s this sexy scientist.

Yeah she’s married, but she could be just a beard for her Navy pilot husband, because Tom Cruise outed Navy pilots everywhere after Top Gun, I mean come on, his partner was GOOSE. Anyway, I’m sure she would be more than happy to answer all these questions since she is on the lecture circuit and you would be remiss not to bring this up.

In other news, I’ve decided to make it easier to tell me how horrible I am as a person. I’ve established the Uberbastard Hotline!

You can call me anytime @ (919) 228-UBER (8237). Ask questions of the Right Reverend Uberbastard and they will be answered!

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

I know you were expecting me to clown around but we have a real problem in our society today. We have pundits and antagonists from every political angle blaming one another for society’s ills and inciting angry no-nothing sociopaths to try and fix a slow watch with a sledgehammer. But  I learned in Kindergarten that the kids that point fingers are usually just as guilty. Well, we dug our own Foxhole, we’re served over-simplified answers easier than Google and we get it wrapped up with easy to read graphics like USA Today. If someone tries to wrap up a complex issue with no evidence and a fancy sound bite, you should ask them if their conviction is so strong that they would felate you if they’re wrong. It seems to me the people that are busy solving our ‘ills’ don’t have time to make talking points.

More so, there is a segment of our population that feel they should be treated like snowflakes, fragile and one-of-a-kind. Well I have GREAT NEWS for you! You are a unique snowflake… Just like every other snowflake. Everyone is the first one to do something or other at some point in their life and further more they are the first one to do ANYTHING by their perspective and that’s what this is about after all isn’t it, your perspective. Seems to me even with access to the whole of this world’s knowledge at one’s fingertips , it’s not going to make you any less of an asshole.

I’m not going to mention either one of these fame-seeking shitbirds’ names just to avoid the Google’d traffic, but I’m surprised the media hasn’t jumped on the Taxi Driver corollary. Maybe it’s the fear of unleashing a torrent of closeted Travis Bickle’s who would swear they thought of it first.  I just wish that mugshot was taken after he discovered that Representative Giffords would survive so we aren’t left with the pretentious smirk of an idiot that thought he succeeded instead of the disappointed scowl that must be on his face today.

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

I’m sorry for not giving you more Hot Scientists to drool over, it seems like the more I unearth, the more well-composed, nasty, anonymous emails I get saying I haven’t acknowledged the hotness of some other female scientist. Well I promise to give you more, I have a few special lady Docs for the near future. Stay Tuned.

Well enough of this, today’s siren of science is Jeanne Cavelos. I’m breaking my own rules here but I thought this fun-loving astrophysicist was worth mentioning despite not having the usual requisite PhD behind her name. By her own description she’s a writer, editor, scientist, teacher and rampant herpiphile. She might be, but if you’re looking for an abstract of her work in astrophysics, you might have more luck in the Science Fiction section of your local Borders. You see, those interesting people into pulp novels based on SciFi TV series and fan/fic or whatever it’s called these days might be more familiar with her work. 

She’s a prolific writer now but started her career working in the Astronaut Training Program @ Johnson Space Center. These days she helps other writers with retreats to help you discover the closeted fanfic author within or next SYFY channel movie writer (if you can tell them apart). And could possibly be the foremost authority on bumping uglies in space without actually having been there.

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

I was anonymously chastised recently for not keeping up to date with the latest Hot Scientists. Truth is I’ve been very busy with work, buying a new home and pursuing my own degree, so please people, give me a damned break. I didn’t even think people read this tripe.

Regardless, apparently the latest científico caliente is a hot Material Scientist named Neri Oxman. She’s a PhD out of MIT with a specialty in some kind of adaptive material design, she’s so specialized she had to create her own vocabulary, her new word… Materialecology. What does that mean? As far as I can figure it means she has a Doctorate in Beanbag Chairs. That’s OK though, because I understand that UConn is giving out PhD’s in Comic Books . Personally, I’m planning my dissertation around seducing seafood… not the seductive nature of seafood, but rather the practice of shellfish seduction.

Speaking of seduction, back to Neri. She straddles the scientific and art world with her tactile installations of breathing buildings that not only look good, but I’m guessing, feel good too. So she’s thinking about breaking down the ideas behind building… well buildings and developing the kind of design paradigms that would give Frank Lloyd Wright a chubby. Personally, all I can think about is her beautifully sculpted alabaster jawline, her full bodied and untamed brunette mane and her impeccable taste in dinner companions.

So in closing and in the interest of continuing the theme from this year’s World Science Fest, the closest nekkidness I could find with a common name was the Italian Scream Queen, Rosalba Neri. Enjoy and I promise more Hot Scientist Babes in the near future…

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

• This is the single best reason to keep that OKCupid account active http://www.okcupid.com/mybestface?… #

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

I’m sure everyone out there feels that one of the benefits of having a regular ’significant other’ is that you hopefully get the chance to teach this person the things that make you happy.

I’ve always made a habit, for good or bad, of taking that benefit to extremes. One thing that most of my past lovers will attest to is my penchant to train them toward my likes and dislikes, rewarding good behavior and correcting bad behavior. I might be likened to a sexual Cesar Milan, my ‘calm, assertiveness’ often times leads to running a young lady around the room like a Lipizzaner.

One of the most interesting result is the development of certain keywords or commands that may be uttered out in public. They always seem to give rise to curiosity, so in the interest of disclosure, here are a few of the more common…

“Mouse Hand/Feet” – This is usually called out as a warning and is the result of the young lady leaving an appendage uncovered for some time and then trying to surreptitiously slip it near a toasty part of my body to warm it up.

“Kitten Time” – This act often manifests on the couch and involves the young lady trying to curl up into a ball on my lap. I’m much more conducive to this behavior with the addition of liberal ‘kneading’.

“Releasing the Dragons” – This is fair warning of the imminent release of flatulent gas. It evolved from the blaming of fart noises on frogs, however as the noise and smell increased, so did the animal emitting it.  It has so been incorporated into the vernacular that we’ll often warn each other of any passing stench by simply calling out “dragons”.

“Butt Love” – Far more innocent than one might assume, this typically involves some basic bare ass scratching. Mind you sometimes a warning is in order if the lady happens to pull an ‘Iceman’ and stray into the “Danger Zone”.

“Lady Blanket” – This behavior is one of my favorites and is most often called out from my stomach at which time the young lady will drape her body directly over  mine for some given time and then will slowly raise herself by walking her hands down my back, often leading to some ‘alignment’ cracking. There is a variation where I may be on my back but this most often ends, as one might suspect, in coitus.

“Blues Harp” – A variation on the classic fellatio involving the young lady cupping my whole package in her hands and then running her mouth along my undersides like John Popper on meth (OK, very poor imagery, but I’m sure you get the idea).

Needless to say there are several more but perhaps I’ve encouraged some people to make their own specialty erotic dim sum menu.

In other news, I’ve started work on another web project which I’ve become a bit passionate about, stay tuned for more updates about IrrationalChurch.com

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.

I admit, the last few months I’ve been a bit more of a consumer than producer. It’s not that I haven’t had profound and hilarious things to say, I’ve just found it much more gratifying to mumble them into a pint of Boddington’s than post them on the internet. It’s also had a bit to do with this weather. This is the first time in 3 months the temperature has reached 60 degrees. I now realize why bears hibernate through all this white stuff.

I tweaked my back recently which due to the mysteries of the human body led to a good deal of chest pain. You may not know this but when a 350lb whining baby complains about chest pains people get nervous, numbers get dialed, lights flash, sirens blare, adhesives stick to chest hair… and who wants that shit? So, I’ve been seeing a Physical TheRapist, if you’ve ever been in the service of a PT you know that they are definitely wearing the wrong uniform for the job. She cured me, I no longer complain about my chest pain, I know better now… Mistress.

The truth is, the last four to five years have really devolved into an experiment. When I moved back to Orlando, I told the nurse that I wanted to attempt to have a real relationship. I wanted to experience a normal life, I wanted to know what ‘rush-hour traffic’ is all about, I wanted to go to work like a regular person, regular car, regular house, regular problems, a real regular life.

I think I got my wish, as awkwardly as usual, but now what? Give me a hint!

Originally published at Uberbastard.com. You can comment here or there.