Two 'til Twilight

Dear Asshole Who Stole Dan --

I do not appreciate -- in any sense -- what you have done to the relationship that I had with my fiance. I do not know what you think you are trying to do; and I do not know how the hell I am supposed to continue turning my face in the other direction when you come to visit. I do not understand why I get my hopes up when he tells me he is coming home, because no matter how long or short of an amount of time it is, you always seem to beat me to the moment when we can meet and appreciate the company of one another. Because of your appeal, I have lost sight of his. I would much rather be by myself than with him. All I ask is that you stop intruding. I do not want to take "no," for an answer.

I don't want to hear of you, in any conversation, including one that I must initiate. I do not want to have to ask of you in regard to him. You are a coward, for coming in so violently and leaving without a trace. I want to dismantle you and every negative instance associated with you, but at this point in time you make it impossible. Oh, and thank you for ruining what once was our beautiful calendar. Thank you for ruining not only this relationship, but also those which I had with my parents.

Why do you follow me and make me suffer? I am supposed to be the one damning you. If this is your attempt to get me to join the rest of your victims, then you're wasting your time, because I will not change my stance in regard to hating you. Afterall, it is because of your constant presence in my life that I have come to hate myself -- mind, body, and soul; and felt like all of this could only be my fault, because if everything were fine in regard to the relationships with people who have fallen victim from you, then I doubt that they would have befriended you in the first place.

It's because of you that I tried, so determined, to put a gun to my head.

Sincerely,
The Only Sober One in the Room

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While you were away, I managed to pull an all-nighter, and look at what I found.

It's times like these that I wish that you were here so that we could have seen this together. I don't think that there was ever a time that we just stayed up all night and watched the sun rise.

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Alright, you can win this time... I just wanted you to realize how strongly I felt about the aformentioned nonsense (even though I was jumping to conclusions this evening).

I love you King Stinky Boy.

I always wanted someone who...

Was easy to talk to (someone that I could tell everything to); would save me from harm; would give me a shoulder to cry on; understand where I was coming from; provide support; help me better myself; could talk to me about my strongest interests (I wonder if you could even tell me what they are)...

I have always wanted someone to be my rock, as cliché as that sounds. You are not a rock. You're a stone, due to the actions in the past couple of weeks.

A stone is only good for skipping. Be something more; be confident in yourself, Dear.

...Let's not forget about this handy Burger King cup that was beside recliner either. I had a feeling that I was onto something, and clearly I figured it out.

Don't tell me that this has been around for a while -- I'm not stupid; only you are for thinking that I would fall for that.

What is it? Apple juice? Vodka, or is it rum?

Let me know, Asshole.

ican^tbelieve
t h a tibelieved|in|you.

Postscript: it's orange juice... Conveniently, the orange juice that you got from the corner this weekend. Funny how that works.

Perhaps you misunderstood what it was that I had to say in the previous entry. Maybe you didn't take into consideration the subtle hints that I have been dropping.

I know that there is something that you cannot tell me, and I know this because I have been through this before. It is not hard to put two and two together when you conveniently sneak of to "start your car" or "take out the trash". One minute you're fine, and the next moment that you walk in the door... Give it five minutes... You're tone of voice rises (like a five-year-old), your eyes droop, and you talk in nonsense. You laugh when you don't have any idea as to what the conversation around you is about. You make references to things that people are eating and how they deal with the internet (which sounds ever so funny). And best of all...

You embarrass me in front of my friends, regardless if it's Shibby, Laura, Lauren, Jimmy, or Heather.

Do you know what it's like to have to try and compete with something that you (horribly) try to hide? Do you realize how hard it is for me to forgive you, when I see the same things repeat? Do you not understand how badly I rack my brain in order try and make sure that the pieces are all put together for the morning?

Clearly, you don't understand what it's like to have a perfectly good evening ripped out from under you because someone is being selfish... And let's not forget that this night that I am speaking of is tonight -- the last night that you'll be home.

We're not married, and already this relationship is severed. There's something to ponder while you're in the truck, far from home; I hope that you dwell on it.

It's a shame that this has to be the first entry. Might I also mention that I still haven't shown you this monstrosity that I've created in order for the two of us to better communicate with one another. This is something that we have gone over repeatedly, and still, as frustrated as I get -- with myself and you, I am constantly picking up the pieces that have shattered in some sort of attempt to put everything back together perfectly so that this won't continue to go on.

So I've betrayed [my]self
So I've betrayed you
So what now?
So what do we do?

Pushing you away
Away from me

So I'm, I'm confused
So you're not amused
So I'm feeling used
So what do we do?

Pushing you away
Away from me

Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She [He] makes me bad
Betrays my head
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She [He] makes me bad

The best part is: it will never end. You know that as well as I do. So maybe this is my attempt to show you that I'm done with worrying about you. I am done trying to help you. I am done trying to save this. I am not going to be put in this torment for the rest of my life. I have the opportunity to end all of this, and since my ring is no longer on my finger, I do believe that this is the decision that I have made.

I have this sickening feeling in my stomach, but what do you care? You're already passed out. You say that it's because you got up early and had to drive home from Neenah. I'm going on four hours of sleep, and I'm still of sound mind. After what all of us went through this evening, because you cannot control your anger, I come home to someone who can't even answer me a simple question. I come home to someone who is now passed out in bed. I don't know what your issue has been for the past week, but the way you have treated me and the overall being of our relationship with one another is absolutely ridiculous.

I am not here for your amusement. I am not here to save you (though I tried). I am not here to act as your mother. You are seven years older than me, and yet you act like a thirteen-year-old -- someone who doesn't care about what is going on, regardless of the consequences.

I don't want this to be over, but I have a feeling that the only reason as to why I have been hanging onto the remnants this past week is because I wanted to be able to say that we were able to get married. I think that I was hanging onto the hope that everything would change after that. I know better than that, though.

I remember numerous people telling us that the first couple of years together were going to be the hardest, and while I'm not doubting that... I do not think that they knew then of the situation that we are currently in. Your actions this past week, while you have had the chance to have a large chunk of time off has been nothing but miserable for me.

Heather and I were talking about all of this, while I was driving her home, and we came to the conclusion that you (once you gain your insurance back through the company) need to have a test done to see if you're diabetic. Your insulin levels can hinder your emotions in a negative way (provided that you found out that you are diabetic).

Once you figure that out, try and find me. Until then, I'll hide out elsewhere.

It's a shame that it has come to this, but it is crystal clear to me that this is not how I want a relationship to work, and I'll be damned if I stick around for another "rough patch".