No day but today...

okay this is my final entry here
i realize that ever since i got my new journal
i never informed all of my peoples that im not here

so my new user name is _______wickedx

add me if you'd like there,
sorry about the random forgetfulness
<3Lauren Ashley

yesterday was McTernan's graduation so im just writing random stuff about people


Kevin - i hate how i never talked to you the two years i was actually at mcternan. but we're close now so im happy. You are such an amazing friend you've helped me with a lot this year. We like being in control which is kinda funny. idk what else to say except i'll be up there with sandy every weekend. Thank you for everything! i cant wait until you're president and me and hefferon are your lawyers :)

Lauren - my vaughany i love you so much, i dont think i can ever remember fighting with you once. you're beautiful and smart and funny and i dont know what i would have done without you these last three years. Now you're leaving to become a big star in NY but of course i'll be visiting you too. Boys are stupid so of course we're just going to become lesbians together. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me, like take me in when i run away. lol i love love love you soo much. i dont know what im going to do without you next year. *ties you down and keeps you in my closet*

Brandon - god i've known you forever. you and your flowered bathing suit. very spiffy. im going to miss you man. you need to hang out with me more often. i cant believe you're going to college and leaving me behind. oh well. you'll have a blast. and im going to missssssss youuu.

Mike & Shan - i dont really know what to say so i think i'll start off with an im sorry for everything that happened this year. It kinda sucks when a small fight turned into something that hurt two of my good friendships, and a lot of that was because of me. so i apologize for everything that was said about you two this year. i cant even imagine how different this year would have been if none of that happened. i know that an aapology cant erase past journal entries or past exchanges of words but Im happy i got to talk to the both of you at graduation and hopefully everything can just be put in the past. But again i am sorry for everything that has happened in the last year. Good luck in college. and congrats on graduating. and hopefully this summer can be better then this year. <333

Ian - my buddy who never talks to me anymore! lol well thats my fault for always being away but still. i missed you a lot this year man it was different without you because no one at holy cross remotly compares! but hopefully we can hang before you leave for college, thank god you're not going that far. and you better get me uconn tickets! :) you know you want toO! thanks for everthing. espically letting me sit outside your window those long nights when i stalked you ;) its been good times. lol



well i have to start getting ready. but im going to post pictures latter on too


<3Lauren

so basically im going to describe a shitload of my good friends.
and you have to try to guess if you are one of them. (i stole it from you mikeY)
--it wont be that hard to guess -- lol



1-you were one of my first friends ever. we had a lot of rough patches but thats just because we're competitive mother fuckers. But a frienship that shines through dark times is worth keeping around.

2-i met you through mutual friends but we didnt get close until last year. you're a really big support factor in my life. plus we're going to have sex in the library with pat one of these days.

3-i've known you since kindergarden and first thought of you as the weird girl who like sports. but now you're one of my best friends and its weird not being in school with you. i miss you and our catching tadpoles at the golf course.

4-I pretty much hated you freshman year because you were smarter then everyone. but you were my mom on the sailing trip and i realized i could morph you into being a hoe like me. now we're unseperable and we have bad family lives but it gets us through.

5-i didnt even talk to you all that much when i was at mcternan. now i talk to you all the time. we hate people and are very critical of them but it works for us. plus i love how you have dirty dreams of dorthy and you love black singers.

6-you were one of my first friends at mcternan. you're bubbly just like me and i love it. we stayed friends through every little small mcternan bullshit drama and thats how you know a friendship is strong enough. now you're going to be a big dancing star in NY and i'll miss you more then is healthy for a person.

7-my newest friend who i have crazy hot sex with all the time. we dress like sluts, act like sluts, hell we are sluts. this summer is going to be nuts. i love you so much you're awesome and i need to piddle

8-i met you two years ago and we finally got to hang out for the first time a month ago? well it was worth the wait because im pretty sure that was one of the best nights ever, scarey dogs included. you always tell me im beautiful even if i dont believe you. and you keep all my pictures. dear god. and you're also a really good kisser.. i mean.. oh and i want my song you boob whore! 0:o)

9-lets see you're funny a good friend sweet caring and incredibly sexy. you took me to wicked and i think i cried. you were one of my first friends at holy cross and i love you dearly, even though your driving sucks and scares me a little.

10-we were in the play together but we didnt get close until after when we realized we were in the same lunch and then like a fool you droped those trays and i fell in love with you! you got me through a lot of hard times this year and i cant wait for summer and senior yr! BE SAFE! and boys suck!

11-i met you online and thought you were a 70 yr old child raper haha. then i had that man crush on you. oh and surprisingly you're an amazing cook. but thats because you're a mamas boy. but you send me flowers that say "to paige love hermin" so my mom wont catch on.

12-you fucking homo i'll huggle you anytime. mmmm butt sex? duude i was the only girl you've ever kissed. whatta freak. americas next top model's got nothing on us! my rican<33

13-we go way back to random basketball camps when that kid panced you and the other girl screamed "eww i see his private" you are madly in love with me and are under my spell.. and you snuck me into that club in NY and im never going to a club with you ever again. mmkay

14-i met you on a goddamn buss coming from church and i flirted with you and we dated for a week. you're the only boy that can see he wasnt dumped by me! im glad we became friends again. and watching movies with you is always entertaing. espically on my bed with my mom walking by every ten seconds. hahaha

15-i've known you since you did that play at blessed sacerment and your the hottest younger then me kid ever. art class with you is so much fun because you're absolutely hysterical. i hope you and hillary duff get married one day and then you have an affair with britney spears because i would tape it all.


ehh ihave so many more awesome friends but thats all for now because my hands hurt and my phones ringing




( LaurenCollapse )

weeee so my life lately.. huh.. well lets see i no longer have wisdom teeth i got them out last friday.. ouch.. i had to work all week bc we are "behind" or w/e and i have to work every day next week too because stace is a lucky whore and is going to FL.. that slut! lol well no but i love her! umm i went to see her play saturday.. it was good but SOOOO long.. eric came around half time.. good times.. friday what did i do.. oh i finally fucking got my fake nails off.. im never getting those stupid things again.. my nails arent like weak but theres random indents.. stupid pieces of shit.. today i need to do major homework since i havent? theres only idk 10 or eleven days left (including exams) but we dont have any more full weeks of school i get this friday off for some teacher thing and monday off too.. but ha i have to work all day friday so.. well atleast i get paid? idk there isnt much to say. im at a loss for words. wee? yah i need to start my french, english report and math and ahh catch yah later kiddies

<3Lauren

so its 12:30 and im acting like i use to when i was depressed. i just hung up the phone and stared at my ceiling and starting thinking about god. wow me and god. weird. i hate the fact that i cant believe in anything anymore; in the future, in myself, in other people. because when i do try to believe in those three things i just feel more empty or lost or used. i wish i could believe that someday life will just turn around that someday someone will just come and say you've suffered enough. but i know it wont. and i know im being unreasonable and idiotic because there are so many people that have it worse off then i do. kids in thirdworld countries or kids waiting to be adopted that dont even have parents. i atleast have one? i just dont understand how this "god" can do this, how he can watch people suffer, people that dont diserve it. like my mom who works all the time to support me, or my grandmother who picthes in her small check she gets every month to me because my low life father does shit, to my friend who i wont name who'se boyfriend treats her like crap, to my harvey bear that constantely gets ridiculed because he's GAY GAY GAY GAY like its some kind of sin you close minded assholes and to all the other people in the world that feel lost or hurt. its not even about me and my happiness. god so im not happy. honestly if i knew that everyone in the world was happy. and i was sad. i wouldnt care. let me be unhappy it doesnt matter to me anymore. i just wish i could believe in someone i wish i didnt have to just lay in my bed and cry and think of what my life could have been like if i had a father who loved me or wanted me if i had a family that bothered with me or a mother that i didnt fight with all the time or if i had money or if i was pretty or if anything was different. if the world was a safer place if i didnt move to this stupid state. but i cant think about that. i cant think about the past because that just ruins what could happen in the future.. and why ruin more times to sit back and look at the world and my life and just say we suck. i hate people. i hate how people treat people. i hate all that sad and pathetic injustices in the world. i hate onions and the dark and needles and SATS and my father and my life. but thats not going to change. because if i ever fall asleep i'll just be the same sad lauren when i wake up. i'll put on a smile and everyone will think im okay. and the people that know im not okay will try to help me. but theres nothing that can help me anymore. so instead of trying to help myself dont in the end of this feel bad for. dont tell me "lauren im sorry it will get better" feel bad for every kid out there who has it worse off then we do. feel bad and sorry for the kids that dont have food. whose families are dieing because of a war that some will never understand. feel bad and pray for the families who deal with child abuse and feel bad for everyone but yourself, and feel bad and think about anyone but me. i do it every day

its been awhile.. i've been to busy really to deal with internet life. mainly livejournal and all my communities.. i have to get my wisdom teeth out.. and guess what my dad wont pay.. so basically for the next month.. i have no money.. at all.. just what i get in my pay checks.. which doesnt last long because i put most of it in the bank.. and for mothers day i plan on getting my mom a lot because she does so much for me and this is the first time i can actually buy her a gift.. me and chris called it quits.. but its okay.. because we still talk on the time.. and we're still friends which is what i wanted..

Yesterday it seemed like i was being consumed by hell.. everything went wrong.. except for my 92 on a math "quest" and a 96 on an english test.. but it was just bad.. everything.. Tonight im going over mike casey's house with justine to film a midsummers night dream.. it should be some fun times..

Thursday i dont have to work so im probably going to go and visit mcternan theater and see how the musical is comming.. they open this week.. im excited.. but people have told me it isnt that great.. so we'll see? all i know is holy cross's musical was amazing.. so yah

and then FRIDAY ahh its taking forever to get here.. i have school and im getting out early to go and talk to the doctor about my poor teeth.. and then work.. and THEN later me and bob are going out :) wait.. did i just say that.. i finally get to hang out with bob!! hehe that kids always busy.. but im excited because he isnt friday! so we're going to new haven.. and did i mention i was very excited.. no? well im very excited like whoa teehee.. okay.. well now anyways..

im out.. gotta do my hair and get shit ready for tonight..
leave your love beeotches
and of course i was a camera whore so click my name
( LaurenCollapse )

ummm idk lifes been decent lately. i was confused about a lot of crazy stuff at the end of last week but im all good now. thursday and saturday chris came over and we watched rose red. it was on tv awhile ago but i never got into it.. its crazy long. i got my digi camera wed. and thursday i went to family dinner. it wasnt bad. i thought it would be worse as i normally do. but my baby cousins are so adorable its insane. and alan and his girlfriend kayte was there and i like kayte shes cool so i talked with them. umm yah. saturday we finished the movie and then chris wanted to see dave before he left so we went over his house for a bit. god damn smoke. then we drove around for a while. and yah. easter i went over my anuts. instead of NY with chris :( but it wasnt bad i hung out with allie. so yah. umm thats about it. monday i didnt have school. and if i recall all i did was go to work. yah. so thats it for now. this week is going to be busy

Tomorrow
-Makeup test after school
-Chicago at night
Thursday
-Painting chris' new room in Soutbury
Friday
-Work
-sleeping over hefferons :o)

then i have to make time some day to go to the musical.. lol oh boy


oh and here is a warning.. CRAZY ASS PICTURE UPDATE
Leave your comments about what you think
( LaurenCollapse )

its time for possible another contraversal(sp) topic.. although im not sure how many people will be against what im talking about but im sure there are the select guilty few. Anyways. heres the story (or captions of what you need to know) that made me want to write this. I have a friend (yes a friend this is not slang for me) recently ran into some old friends who found out he was a homosexual. They taunted him threw him around called him "faggot" and a desgrace. During high school he hid his homosexuality because even though we're in a time where its excepted in reality for men its still looked down upon. Espically when they were on the football team, basketball team, and track team. How can such a masculine guy like.. other guys? it doesnt make sense right? but it does, and it happens, and its there. these people men and women dont wake up and say "i want to fool around with a member of the same sex" i fully believe its part of who they are. But that isnt why im writing this to explain how i believe homosexuality is a natural thing. "thats so gay" or "stop acting gay" or "yadda yadda GAY" this is the year 2005, we arent back in the age where homosexuality barely accured and if it did no one EVER knew about it. People say these things not knowing that someone who really is gay might here it. I know its now not only used as a word for homosexuals but for a slang term meaning bad or disstastefull, but what are people or even children growing up with this slang and with homosexuality at the same time going to think... when you say something is "gay" like "thats so gay" and you say it in a negative way then that only prompts younger people or naive older people to think that homosexuality is a negative thing, which its not. If people love each other then why not give them that oppurtunity. Why do we have to constantely put down things we may not fully understand or that we arent sure how we feel about it. As you say things like "that looks gay" you may not think about the people around you. that stranger to your left could be gay, that store clerk you're buying the "gay" shirt from might be gay.. or maybe even your friend who is too scared to come out is gay.. and by putting them down in such a negative way dont you think it makes it harder for them to be who they really are. I have a lot of gay friends, one of my best friends who i talked about earlier is gay. but i dont see him as gay i see him as my best friend who let me cry for 6 hours when my mom threw me out.. who helped me with a hangover.. who gives me advice on shoes and shooting tips.. i think of my best friend.. because i respect him enough as a person and a human being with feelings to understand that he is more then just "gay"

thank you and goodnight
<3Lauren

behind the cut because its so long

( ...daddy wasnt thereCollapse )