In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured.
The massive heavenly event began at 12:02 p.m. EST when a large burst of God’s divine light shot down from the clouds and slowly lifted all 3,059 of the Christian-owned restaurants off the ground and into the Lord’s Eternal Kingdom. Videos posted across social media showed customers as they screamed and fell to their knees in Chick-fil-A parking lots, clutching the empty wrappers, containers, and cups that seconds earlier had held their chicken sandwiches, waffle fries, and soft drinks.
Amid concerns over a $1.8 billion fund to compensate Jan. 6 rioters and his handling of the Epstein files, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche faces an uphill confirmation battle for the permanent job. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Trump nominee.
Frantic as the make-or-break deadline drew near, St. Peter was reportedly scrambling Monday to throw a few more innocent souls into hell to meet God’s strict monthly quota. “I really gotta beef up my numbers, and fast, or else I’m going to get my ass handed to me during performance reviews,” said St. Peter, adding that he could probably condemn a few recently departed on trumped-up masturbation charges and a few more on gluttony, but that he still wouldn’t be where he needed to be in just 24 hours.
Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny’s announced this week that free pancakes would be provided to customers who take their fighting outside. “We know our customers love coming to Denny’s to participate in violent late-night brawls, and now those guests will be treated to a complimentary short stack as a thank-you for moving the bloodshed out of the restaurant and into the parking lot,” said company spokesperson Tricia Kim, who added that patrons watching the melee from inside a participating Denny’s location were welcome to bang the windows and yell “Fight! Fight! Fight!” in encouragement.
Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his firearm while wrongfully assuming the safety was on, suggested that a moment of peace and quiet would be clutch for regaining composure.
In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the Beast, who grimaced and exhaled black plumes of smoke from his nose while sitting in the front row of the 2,000-person auditorium.
In its detailed analysis of how your corpse will appear when lying on a brightly lit postmortem examination table, a report published Friday by researchers in the University of Minnesota’s mortuary science program concluded that your naked body will make the entire morgue laugh. “According to our projections, the mortician, an assistant, and anyone else who happens to walk in and catch sight of your unclothed remains will immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter at both the size and shape of your various body parts,” said lead researcher Rachel Stein, adding that your abdomen, genitals, and buttocks, along with any tattoos you may have, will become inside jokes at the funeral home, hospital, or medical examiner’s office where your dead body will lie exposed for several hours.
One Night Only opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.
Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are more worthwhile than the Democratic National Committee,” read the email attributed to DNC chair Ken Martin, which bore subject line “I am begging you to ignore us” and went on to list hundreds of more sensible options such as a delicious sandwich, new shoes, or a down payment on a Jet Ski.
According to several eyewitnesses who were inside local café Panda Bubble Tea on Tuesday, no, 53-year-old man Aaron Strickland would not like “popping boba” in his drink. “Ma’am, I am a veteran, a father of two adult children, and I hold a master’s degree in business administration from Washington University,” said an indignant Strickland, who reportedly crossed his arms and winced slightly at the young cashier’s question.
We Seem To Be At An Impasse Over What $24.99 Worth Of Shrimp Looks Like
Well, sir, it pains me to say this, but it appears we are at loggerheads: I have said my piece. You have responded in kind. Yet despite my best efforts—and considerable hunger—we seem to have reached an impasse over what $24.99 worth of shrimp looks like.
As you know, Kyle, I have been a loyal customer at the Shell Shack for many years, and I have come to expect so much more than this.
When I ordered the Captain’s Bounty several minutes ago, I did so in good faith, expecting the quantity of shrimp to reflect the listed price. You can imagine my shock, then, when this paltry collection of withered-looking crustaceans arrived at my table, in direct contrast to the assertion—nay, promise—made right there on this large, laminated menu that it was the “best deal in town” and that this purported “seafood feast” was not to be missed.
At that point, I asked you where the rest of the shrimp were. You replied that this was how many you get in the Captain’s Bounty. I insisted that it looked more like $19.99 worth of shrimp, and you told me they’re more filling than they look. Do I look like a fool to you? I’ve already sampled several bites from this pathetic excuse for a shellfish platter and find it hardly befitting the suggestion that it’s “generous enough to satisfy even the hungriest mariner”! Generous? I don’t think so, sir.
Of course, I am not so obtuse as to believe that hearing once more about my shrimp-deprived plight will stir some pity in your heart. You have made your stance abundantly clear. Still, I urge you to heed my words. You may have the upper hand now, but in the grand scheme of time, history will not look kindly on you and your shrimp apportionment.