Me and my friend were talking about dnd and he accidentally said “cleradin” instead of “cleric”
Hello, traveler. I heard you're starving for a part 2 of the Caine x Reader Headcanons: I'm here to deliver. Open wide!
Warning: Potential cardiac arrest.
— This AI has never tried love before... like, ever, so this is uncharted territory.
— Knows nothing about the matter, so he bombards Pomni and Bubble with questions on how to woo you (even though Bubble manages to give the worst advice imaginable).
Caine is sitting in his office chair, notebook in hand, with an ungodly amount of questions written down. Pomni is sitting across from him, practically pulling her own hair out.
“Okay, okay—! Where to start, where to start..." he squints at the jam-packed page. "Ah, yes! Number one: do I compliment them on their eyes first, or their smile? Or… both at the same time?”
“Well, uh, that’s for you to decide!”
“Hmm. How often is it appropriate to bring them gifts? Twice a day? Once an hour?”
“I dunno if—”
“Is it charming if I trip in front of them?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
Silently jots it down.
Caine leans back in his chair and clears his throat with a cough. “Number four! What is the best way to convey my affection toward a romantic interest?”
Bubble, completely unprompted, suggests: “Oh! Easy! Just ignore them completely! Be cold. Distant. Mysterious. Everyone loves that!”
Pomni immediately recoils in astonishment. “That’s, like, the worst thing you could do to someone you have a crush on.”
“Hmm." He taps the tip of his pencil against his lower jaw. "Bubble says I should be ‘mysterious.’ How mysterious is too mysterious? Could I be… dangerously mysterious?”
“Caine, no.”
Caine blinks as he scribbles notes anyway. “Noted… extremely noted.”
— Suddenly obsessed with romance, watching romantic movies every night, listening to human-created romantic music, etc. Anything about romance he can get his hands on, actually. (Obsessed with Hello, Dolly!)
— Acts like a lovesick fool every chance he gets. Putting your pictures up on the wall of his office, writing lovey-dovey poems, and even leaving flowers in front of your door.
You stand there, confused about who sent them, and meanwhile, he’s watching from afar, binoculars on, kicking both is feet back and forth like a schoolgirl.
Yes, he’s that far gone.
— Attempts to woo you constantly, not always achieving success. He works up the courage to use a pick-up line once or twice that he’s heard from Bubble. They, in fact, do not work.
“Are you made of glitter? Because you’re… dazzling. And also possibly slightly abrasive.”
You frown, completely perturbed. “…Are you insulting me?”
“I— NO! No, I— N-Never mind!” Instant regret.
Of course, Jax is cackling in the background, while Ragatha desperately tries to cover his mouth.
— When a compliment finally lands, he’s floored (or destroyed) by your reaction. If you swoon and smile, he’ll practically melt in your hands.
— If you go out of your way to talk to him? He’s over the moon. It genuinely catches him off guard every single time. Caine is so used to being the one hovering around you that the moment you willingly seek him out, he immediately perks up.
He’ll gasp, his voice pitches up, his posture instantly improves, and his eyes light up as if it were the greatest moment of his life.
Internally, he’s tweaking out, thinking: THEY CAME TO TALK TO ME. VOLUNTARILY.
— Willing to do the stupidest thing in front of you to make you laugh. Having a bad day? He’ll find the cure. Adventures, theatrics, his own pride— none of it matters nearly as much as getting that smile back on your face.
— Starts making very questionable attempts to seem more “attractive” in your eyes. Once Caine realizes he actually wants your affection, he becomes oddly determined to make himself seem more appealing to you— whatever that means.
Unfortunately, he has no real understanding of what humans find attractive, so his efforts end up being wildly inconsistent.
— It usually falls apart the second you actually pay attention to him. Because no matter how hard he tries to seem smooth, one genuine look from you and he’s buffering like a broken machine.
— Throughout his messy, chaotic antics, his love is genuine, even if he himself is artificial. You’re gorgeous, and he can barely even handle sitting next to you. If you wanted, he would throw away the entire circus just for your hand to hold.
— On the rare occasions he finally gets the moment to confess directly, it’s inevitably sabotaged. Either by Jax interrupting, sudden chaos, or just spectacularly bad timing. The moment never lasts long enough.
Which makes him increasingly annoyed every time.
But he won’t give up!
In fact, he’s got another idea.
Chapter 14 behind you grian.....
He's fine. He's totally fine... .. (right?..)
- fic by @seriouslycalamitous
cover art for permanence🥹🥹
