was talking in the car w my sister yesterday about trying to reconcile aspec grace with bloodymary cause im like waurgh. i like both.
there are two wolves inside me [remembers that meme has problematic origins] there are two problematic memes inside me. one says that even if grace was a Woke Teacher In San Fransisco he probably wouldntve connected the dots and labelled himself as aroace. the other says it would be a really fun interesting thing to explore grace proudly identifying as aroace and eventually realizing he's actually demi bc he's catching feelings for simon. and he is so fucking mad about it.
because it feels like all that "oh, you'll find the right person one day" bullshit ppl kept trying to feed him ended up being right?? and he hates that notion! cause he knows that he isn't broken! and never has been! but now there's niggling doubt in the back of his mind wondering what if he was built wrong and this is just him suddenly being "fixed"???? what the fuck??? what do you MEAN he's falling in romantic love for the first time after 30-something goddamn years of being alive??? after a lifetime of fumbling relationships and feeling like he's accidentally leading people on just by having the gall to be a conventionally handsome guy with no interest in romance, only for his brain to go "oops now we do!" like what do you MEAN his brain can just change up the rules like that?!? why cant he just be normal?!? (he thinks, followed swiftly by "oh god when did i start sounding like my parents. get me out of hereeeeeee")
and he's making a tit out of himself cause he's romantically infatuated for the first time in his life and of freaking course its for the last living human he'll likely ever see, so if he fumbles this like he's fumbled every other attempt at romance in his life it'll be even more soulcrushing. grace's long dormant libido going into overdrive and he's mad about that too cause *ahem* "taking care" of that particular need feels like a chore and he's embarrassed that he keeps fantasizing about simon
and like, who's to say his feelings towards simon actually are romantic??? how is he meant to know? he's never felt it before! what if his brain just thinks it's attracted to simon because theyre both lonely humans lightyears away from any other humans? is it just some weird attachment thing? hell, even if it is real romantic love, it's not like grace can do anything about it! simon thinks he owes grace too much already. it wouldnt be fair to simon. there's a power imbalance there. it wouldn't be right for grace to make his weird feelings simon's problem, right?
so grace figures he just. won't make them simon's problem. they're fine the way they are. they're fine! it's fine! (grace really, really needs it to be fine. he can't risk letting his stupid feelings out. he wishes they weren't even there. but that horse has bolted already and the stable doors will never close again. he can't will his infatuation away, and he can't come clean about it, even if holding it inside makes him sick with want and anger at himself.)
grace mentally just chasing himself in circles like an angry stressed out dog while rocky and simon watch him slowly go insane like "what the hell is his problem"
