Avatar

DREAMS WALKING IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

@psygull / psygull.tumblr.com

🏚 Roz πŸ•΄ 28 πŸ•΄ she/her πŸ•΄ sanguine 🏚 TOYNBEE IDEA IN MOVIE 2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER

Pinned

STATION IDENTIFICATION

This blog is a message… and part of a system of messages… pay attention to it!

CURRENT PROJECT-ISH THINGS

  • Through the Red Door - horror story set in the 1970s about architecture that leads into another world, and the man who's trying to reach it
  • Radio Ghost - fake 80s slasher franchise about an abandoned radio station and trying to bring your loved one back from beyond
  • Jim Carrey Horror Movie - uh this one's tough to explain. based on a dream i had
  • Monolith - no story to this one as of yet, but it's a world i enjoy thinking about. massive concrete structures of unknown origin, nuclear semiotics, and the concept of whale falls

i've also got a bunch of tags collecting various things. feel free to poke around and find stuff that's what they're there for

im awfully pretentious for someone who knows nothing and does nothing. solution is to become someone who knows everything and does everything. because i am not getting off this high horse. im velcroed to the saddle. im fused to the horse.

Avatar
Reblogged heedra

On of the less intuitive things about love, I've found, of any kind, is the importance of needing things.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

It's not needy, or selfish, or taking up energy. It's giving the gift of being wanted, and needed, and thought of. It's giving someone the security of being part of someone's life.

β€œIf after I am free a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. […] But if after I am free a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly.”

― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

in elementary school i figured out how to customize the classroom desktop's autocorrect to make Word change whole sentences. this made it appear almost like the computer was responding to you. you could, for example, type in "where did i put my keys", hit enter, and watch it switch to "you put them under the couch". this was before chatbots, and we were all 9 so i considered it closer to a magic trick than a tech one.

i immediately scripted out a dialogue exchange between me and a girl who had died by the swings (classic). i invited another student over and told them i had found a ghost, then proceeded to type out the pre-scripted exchange. i was immediately pulled into the counselors office. the kicker was that none of the adults could figure out how i did it. i had to show them the menu and everything.

important detail i forgot to add: the swing ghost wanted blood sacrifices from the students. in my defense it was "only a few drops".