Benny Feldman

I think a good prank would be to go to the library and try to check out the librarian's personal diary

If I was the old man in The Giving Tree, I woulda dug up the roots looking for truffles. See if I can squeeze out a lil more giving

Nobody knows what happens when you die

Some people are really like, Well it's probably infinite happiness forever. Yeah it's definitely endless bliss for all time. For literally a quadrillion years, and then more. Also your dog and grandma are there! Unless you have anal sex. Then you get tortured

Mailmen should get rewarded for all their hard work. They should get sent free mail

First rule of gambling: Never quit while you're down. This loses you money

Lobster used to be poor man’s food, now they are high status. The same is now happening with milk and eggs and bread

The doctor will ask questions about your personal life and then type about it into cold ugly proprietary software

I just heard a baby straight up actually say “Goo Goo Gaga.” Wow. Their famous catchphrase. That’d be like if you heard me say “Please” or “Thank you”

I feel like when the The Ancient Library of Alexandria burned down, we probably just lost a bunch of scrolls that were like, “100 of the Funniest Rhymes about Potters”

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power. Kind of a win win!

Limos are such a stupid status symbol. Like yeah I'm rich. Did you see how long my car

favorite word guy asked: favorite word?

I am trying to go everywhere . ! . I book everything myself so it all depends on if I am able to make contact with bookers of local clubs or what have you. I really like alternative comedy venues and independent theater spaces, as opposed to chain comedy clubs. If you have one in your city, let me know lol

Thank you !! Can't wait for everyone to see

I took a shower before a party I didn't want to go to. When I got out of the shower, I just texted the host

"Hey dude, I'm sorry. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it tonight. I just found out I’m all naked and wet"