thinking about how at the end of the day Laura Palmer might have had more tools in her arsenal and more opportunities for help if not for Keeping Up Appearances. at the end of the day she had not a soul she could tell that could actually help her because she was terrified of the people she loved the most seeing what she thought was rotting inside her. her trauma-induced self hatred manifested in a complex about being judged or feeling embarrassed and a great, great fear of those things. even though everything that she was embarrassed about was either something that happened to her, or something that was normal for a human to think. she thought her desire for sex made her evil, and she thought she was evil for coping with the substances that made her feel numbed enough to live with the pain. she saw the way her mom, who she loved and who loved her, conveniently ignored her suffering and turned a blind eye to the abuse, whether consciously or subconsciously. she knew it was because her mom was "from a family and a generation that doesn't really like to talk about things that make them uncomfortable." thinking about "Maybe BOB makes her uncomfortable. Maybe Dad knows BOB, too, but Mom won't let us talk about him because it makes everyone... so upset...? I don't know." thinking about how much the "discomfort" of discussing abuse, substances, sex, etc., resulted in Laura being completely isolated and alone in her suffering. thinking about Laura's abounding emotional intelligence and introspection not saving her from a self hatred so crippling. thinking about Laura Palmer pushing away love in order to protect herself and control her environment in the only way she could. thinking about Laura pushing away "innocence" and embracing being "bad" because she thought it just might save her, making her undesirable enough to be left alone. thinking about her becoming obsessive about her behaviors and passing judgment on herself for what she thought made her evil in order to make sense of the great, great suffering she endured every single day. thinking about, "I knew I loved Bobby at that moment, and I know I love him now. I just wonder if I can let myself feel any of these wonderful, pure feelings without getting myself in trouble with BOB. Why do I always, always have to second guess my life and my feelings? Why can't I just love him, fight with him, kiss him, etc., without worrying that I'll die because of it? Why do other girls get to live happy lives?" thinking about how Laura was just a little girl. thinking about lots of things about most of them are Laura Palmer related.
