I can’t speak on behalf of them, but to me, jealousy is a natural feeling, same as sadness and anger. A lot of traditional, monogamous relationships will treat jealousy as an off-limits, negative emotion, and that the most secure and compatible relationships are devoid of jealousy, either because the person is so secure in themselves or because their partner would never do something that spurs jealousy (“I don’t feel jealous when my girlfriend hangs out with her male friends” or “I don’t get jealous about my boyfriend looking at other girls because he never does it because he knows I’d hate it.”). And while it can be a healthy sign of security and compatibility, it can also suppress as a kill-switch to avoid conflict, communication, and desires. To me, saying that good relationships are ones where neither gets jealous of the other is like saying a good relationship is one where your partner never ever annoys you or makes you sad. It’s impossible, and denying these emotions has only created more conflict for myself. For me, I analyze my feelings by asking myself, “Am I upset because I feel like something is being taken away from me, or because I didn’t get to experience or do something that someone else did?” Do I feel threatened and at risk of being forgotten (desiring exclusivity), or do I feel sad because I wanted that thing too (exclusion from something that can be shared). Time and time again, I landed on the latter, which told me that I am poly and not an imposter. From there, I went to my partner(s) and told them how I felt with the goal to work on ways to reassure me of their commitment and connection with me. So a conversation could be, “I feel jealous when you hang out with your male friends even though I know there’s nothing wrong with it. You haven’t done anything wrong, but I can’t help these feelings and wanna figure out how to address them together. I think hearing you tell me how much I mean to you will make me feel better, so when I feel jealous again, I can remember what you told me and remind myself that I’m not in danger of losing you.”
Compersion is a term that means feeling empathetic joy when a partner experiences happiness, even without you. Compersion and jealousy are not opposite emotions and can be felt simultaneously, for example: “I’m happy you went on a date with someone else because it made you happy and I like knowing another person sees you the way I see you. But I’m also jealous because we haven’t gone on a date like that in a while. Could we go on one sometime this week, just you and me?” Of course, jealousy can come from valid concerns too. People are allowed to have boundaries and deal-breakers. You don’t have to be ok with everything. I don’t wanna paint all situations with a broad brush. Conflict-resolution is also entirely dependent on everyone’s maturity and openness to handle difficult conversions and active change.
Basically, the existence of jealousy is not a red flag, but the way people respond to it can be. For my throuple, difficult talks about jealousy have only strengthen our security in each other and given us the emotional tools to self-regulate.
These are all my own thoughts from my own experiences and the personal research and advice I’ve done/received. I’ll probably have something different to say in the next few months as things continue to change. There’s a lot of good and varied reading material on relationships and polyamory out there from people who are not in their early 20s.
