“Someone will be consoled by looking at your thorns for sure” - Moonchild by RM, 2018
I’ve been sitting these last few days running my hands over the moonchild tattoo that sit on my left wrist.
The constant reminder of how low, how ruined and how broken I was after I survived him.
This year was the first year in over 10 years where I didn’t have an anxiety attack on February 14th, a day where the world celebrate love and I try to forget what he did and how he forever changed me.
I got out - I was lucky.
Since then I swore that I would always believe anyone strong enough, brave enough to talk about the abuse they suffered at the hands of those claiming to love them.
I swore that even if the whole world was against these women and men, that they would at least have me.
Which is why the last few days has caused turmoil within my soul and my heart.
I found BTS not long after that day in February, like many other army I was at my absolute lowest, drowning in life, responsibility and dread of the future. Mostly because of how he had broken me
And on my birthday in 2018, RM released mono, and I cried. It felt like he understood, as if he knew what those years had brought, that I was trying to fight and that I just needed a hand, a gentle push.
I carved moonchild into my wrist, a reminder of where I had been, of how long I had come since then, who I was now because I had been strong enough to survive what he had done to me.
And now I watch him, the man that brought me comfort, who helped me heal, pose with a man that has brought just as much despair, sadness and anxiety into other women’s lives.
It’s a gut punch, one that has taken me days to recover from, and while thinking and reflecting I realized I make excuses for my bias, the same way I did for him after he hit me.
Oh it wasn’t on purpose - he doesn’t know he’s hurting me - he just has a lot of feeling regarding this issue - he hasn’t done something like this before - I’m overreacting - he’ll apologize - he’ll learn from this, I’m sure he will
So now I’m standing here, numb and heartbroken, feeling stupid for believing that some men are in fact different when they tell you they are.
It’s a lesson I thought I had already learned. But here I am, leaning once again that men, especially those who has fame, power and fortune, are a disappointment.
You don’t have to agree with me, but I thank you for listening to my story, and I hope that you’ll be understanding of the decision I have made:
The BTS soulmate series will be on an indefinite hiatus.
I cannot write love stories and idealize men who actively support and endorse an abuser. Because these days all I see when I look at them are the faces of all of those that didn’t believe me, that didn’t protect me, that told me it was my fault or that they didn’t care, those that stayed silent, when I shared my experience.
I don’t know if this is something I’ll ever get over, I don’t know if this means I’ll take down RM’s story and I don’t know if this means I will cover up the tattoo on my wrist.
I hope that they take responsibility, I hope that they apologize, but until then I have no support nor love to give to my original 7