an old man was spotted wriggling

Major Ocelot you’re grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded for 472629597227394 billion years. You will have no revolvers, no Ocelot Unit, no Philosopher’s Legacy, no Big Boss, and no arms for the rest of your life, and you will have to brainwash yourself to like children’s shows like The Backyardigans and The Wiggles. Go to your room now

You don’t come off as particularly confident in your subversiveness if you also need to mock a teenager for objecting to it. You want the status of provocation but you don’t want anyone provoked! A sad, weak affair.

necessary destruction

yo get off your ass i need you to come up front and call a customer the f slur for me i cant reclaim it

The first time I took acid my friend and I were trying to make a ranked list of different divination methods and number one on the list was “you already know the information”

"actually," i tell my mother, who has responded to my coming-out with linguistically impossible norms of gender, "farsi is a gender-neutral language, so you should not even be able to hold the idea of transphobia in your head, for you lack the symbolic concepts that constitute its precondition". unfazed, she reaches past me for a english-persian dictionary i've failed to conceal. i try to swat it from her hands in a panic: "no! the dictionary is epistemic folly! words are untranslatable! there's nothing for you there!" but she dodges my hands and flips deftly through the pages, stopping on "B", "G", and "T". i claw at her to no avail, watching her eyes widen with her conceptual horizons as she discovers gendered language. she turns her now-baleful gaze to my tearful face and takes a breath. "so does this mean you're gay?"

its cool to pee your pants

now who kicked all those springs under the fridge

fiddleford doodle comp + a salmon

ROBOCOP (1987) dir. Paul Verhoeven

Who wants to hear a DIY tiling pro tip that the experts won't tell you

Yes!

Do not drop your phone into the bucket of tile adhesive. This step is actually completely unnecessary and massively complicates the tiling process.

You say this but my uncle is a tiler and he swears by the “drop phone in putty bucket” technique. I think you’re just posting this for clout

Your uncle is caught up in a tradition that he was taught as an apprentice that he never questioned. Modern putty doesn't require phone, the formula has changed.

MY uncle says some customers still demand the phone putty technique because it "doesn't look right otherwise"

Drop an empty phone case in and those customers can't tell the fucking difference because there is no fucking difference.

My mum renovated houses for thirty years, she says “you’re half right, but in some cases - particularly in houses built before 1930 - the phone does add some benefit. Could be a tablet too if you’ve an old one in the garage. And anyone who says it’s got to be a particular model is just being precious about it, whatever the forums say.”

IPhones and tablets where invented in 1898, what did they do before then?

Nothing, tiles were invented in 1899.

Gimme 1 margarita and I saw off my leg!