Journal created:
on 15 July 2013 (#65412139)
Updated:
on 10 August 2015
Name:
ttcdiva
Location:
United States
This particular LJ is for anybody with a compassionate heart. It's for anybody who has tried at something and failed. And most importantly, for those people - like me - who keep trying anyway. You try because it's your nature. You try because you can't bare to lose hope. And you try because you really have no other choice.
But enough with the ambiguities. I'm here because I've been trying to have a baby for about a year, and I need to talk about it. I need to talk about the frustrations and struggles that brings. I know that this is one of thousands of such rants out there, but I guess there's a reason for that. Writing can be quite therapeutic.
So...a little bit about me. I'm a working professional in my mid-thirties. I do already have one child, conceived effortlessly and naturally. My pregnancy was fairly simple and my birth was the kind that most women want. The whole thing was over in an hour without medication and too much pain. I figured I was just the kind of person that was "made" for making babies and birthing them. It was all so easy. It never occurred to me that #2 would be harder to make.
I wanted to make sure that we were super ready for #2 so we waited, and waited. We didn't start trying until #1 was 4 years old. #1 came so quickly we weren't quite prepared for her. I didn't want to make that mistake again. I knew how effortlessly I got pregnant, right? Well, it's been a year, and I'm still baby less.
Just so you know, I have done extensive research on fertility. I know all of the ins and outs, the apps, tests, and communities. And I know all of the crazy acronyms like bbt, dpo, and I'm very well acquainted with the bfn. But right now I'm at the tail end of a failing tww and I can't stop crying.
For those who know nothing of fertility, one's temperature can be highly indicative of what's going on in a woman's body. In the luteal phase (post ovulatory) of a woman's cycle, her temperatures tend to stay high until she's ready to get her period and then it usually plummets. This is called the BBT or basal body temperature. If your BBT stays up you're likely pregnant. It will stay up until you give birth.
Imagine, if you will, waking up each morning and taking your temperature to see if it's still high. Every morning that it dips even slightly sets you in to a panic. It goes back up and you're on top of the world with hope. And then, day after day, it slowly goes down. You feel like you're losing a baby that was never there in the first place. You start to dread taking your temperature. You can't sleep. And then you're period comes again and you wonder why you bothered trying in the first place. You could have sworn you were pregnant. You can count the number of things your body was doing or feeling that meant you were obviously pregnant. And now you just feel like a fool.
I think conception is the realm of women's performance anxiety. When men are expected to perform, they just need to orgasm. When women are expected to perform, we have to create a life, and we have to keep performing for 9 months straight.
I know that isn't entirely factual or fair, but this LJ isn't necessarily about complete reality either. This is about perception and the survival of sanity. It's about sharing and finding community. It's about dredging up the will to try again.
But enough with the ambiguities. I'm here because I've been trying to have a baby for about a year, and I need to talk about it. I need to talk about the frustrations and struggles that brings. I know that this is one of thousands of such rants out there, but I guess there's a reason for that. Writing can be quite therapeutic.
So...a little bit about me. I'm a working professional in my mid-thirties. I do already have one child, conceived effortlessly and naturally. My pregnancy was fairly simple and my birth was the kind that most women want. The whole thing was over in an hour without medication and too much pain. I figured I was just the kind of person that was "made" for making babies and birthing them. It was all so easy. It never occurred to me that #2 would be harder to make.
I wanted to make sure that we were super ready for #2 so we waited, and waited. We didn't start trying until #1 was 4 years old. #1 came so quickly we weren't quite prepared for her. I didn't want to make that mistake again. I knew how effortlessly I got pregnant, right? Well, it's been a year, and I'm still baby less.
Just so you know, I have done extensive research on fertility. I know all of the ins and outs, the apps, tests, and communities. And I know all of the crazy acronyms like bbt, dpo, and I'm very well acquainted with the bfn. But right now I'm at the tail end of a failing tww and I can't stop crying.
For those who know nothing of fertility, one's temperature can be highly indicative of what's going on in a woman's body. In the luteal phase (post ovulatory) of a woman's cycle, her temperatures tend to stay high until she's ready to get her period and then it usually plummets. This is called the BBT or basal body temperature. If your BBT stays up you're likely pregnant. It will stay up until you give birth.
Imagine, if you will, waking up each morning and taking your temperature to see if it's still high. Every morning that it dips even slightly sets you in to a panic. It goes back up and you're on top of the world with hope. And then, day after day, it slowly goes down. You feel like you're losing a baby that was never there in the first place. You start to dread taking your temperature. You can't sleep. And then you're period comes again and you wonder why you bothered trying in the first place. You could have sworn you were pregnant. You can count the number of things your body was doing or feeling that meant you were obviously pregnant. And now you just feel like a fool.
I think conception is the realm of women's performance anxiety. When men are expected to perform, they just need to orgasm. When women are expected to perform, we have to create a life, and we have to keep performing for 9 months straight.
I know that isn't entirely factual or fair, but this LJ isn't necessarily about complete reality either. This is about perception and the survival of sanity. It's about sharing and finding community. It's about dredging up the will to try again.