Shame Trek 8: Collision Course
Title: Star Trek Academy: Collision Course [Sounds dangerous! Apparently first in an ongoing series, unless his publishers give him the boot. Doubtful.]
Authors: William “It was really nothing” Shatner, along with his co-conspirators who never seem to be of much help.
Pub Date: 2007! Hot off the presses!
Basic Premise:
Imagine Shatner writing his version of the events that shaped the teen years of Spock and Kirk, without lens flare but a good measure of MY PARENTS DON’T UNDERSTAND ME and I HATE STARFLEET/VULCAN.
SEE: Young Spock, alienated [lol] from both sides of his heritage, suspicious of his father and unwillingly dragged into shenanigans with some brash goof!
SEE: Young Kirk, engineering genius [since when] and renegade, meaning well but givin’ the finger to Starfleet et al. while fingerin’ a fine lady cadet! AW HELLS YEAH
Kirk’s ‘childhood offworld camping trip gone wrong’ memories set the stage for his terrible teen angst and rebellion, while he tries to save the dignity of his girlfriend, protect his brother, and instigate various covert investigations into The Case of The Missing Dilithium with a sullen Vulcan sidekick. Spock is like the goth kid of the future in this book, I’m serious: he wears all black, has longer hair, and has a superiority complex. Of course, they must learn to WORK TOGETHER, end up joining Starfleet to escape a prison sentence conviction, and stop the bad guys by borrowing a starship. There’s also this old guy from some secret service division of Starfleet working behind the scenes; his omnipresence is quite irritating.
Notables:
There is a hilarious disclaimer in the front of the book that attribute everything to the “author’s unique personal vision”. Yes, when this occurs and involves a concrete canon, one may call it “fanfiction”.
I’m not joking when I say Spock has a “black cloak and long black hair”. I will be drawing this catastrophe.
[I did draw this catastrophe!]
Spock and Kirk get cuffed together with magical glowing handcuffs. Kinky!
Kirk calls Spock “Stretch” a lot. I know he’s skinny, and tall, but really?
Spock sneaks an answer to a question directed to Kirk by coughing behind a hand raised to his mouth. How human and cute.
Quotes:
“A broad grin brightened Kirk’s face. It was as if the sun had dispelled dark clouds. Spock felt dizzy just being near such a mercurial being.” [Fuck.]
tlc010 later illustrated this GLORIOUS SENTENCE FOR ME:“Clowns had become a constant source of concern to him.” [Spock does not like clowns. I realize the reasoning is that they are distilled emotion, BUT COME ON.]
All right, there is a JERK who keeps writing in the margins of this book! Now, I know it is extremely horrible, but you are ruining my enjoyment of such sentences when you point out “Oh, of course!” in that sarcastic tone I know you’re using! Or cross out Shatner’s excessive adjectives! Although I guess this sentence is pretty deserving of your treatment:
“Within the thick protective walls, the compound’s independent power-generation equipment was housed, along with powerful subspace transmitters in direct contact with the homeworld, and—perhaps most importantly—the compound’s own secure transporter hub, which guaranteed that all personnel would be beamed through quintuply-redundant Vulcan technology, rather than the comparatively reckless triply-redundant systems tolerated by Earthmen.”
“OH, OF COURSE!” INDEED, UGH
The last sentence of the book reads:
“For now.”
I will continue to humor you, Mr. Shatner. For now.
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