Transformation

I got the witchy mood back after a few years of following a bit different routes and now I realize that I've got ridden of most of my old magical books and would like to find some new ones. So I thought maybe you have some recommendations for me? I'm not looking for basic books on wicca, sabbats & rituals as I've read so many of those already BUT I'd like to find some new inspirations, knowledge and projects to do.. Maybe something to do with natural & creative magic, moon & sun, shape shifting, magical animals, faeries & nature energies, profound work with myths, archtypes & Goddesses sounds good too and anything about green, kitchen witchery and creative crafts that help to make life more magical.. ;) Thanks in advance!

A Midsummer Night's Press is publishing FORTUNE'S LOVER: A BOOK OF TAROT POEMS by Rachel Pollack in May, 2009.

Rachel is the award-winning author of many books, such as THE BODY OF THE GODDESS, 78 DEGREES OF WISDOM, TEMPORARY AGENCY, GODMOTHER NIGHT, etc. as well as creator of THE SHINING TRIBE TAROT.

While the book is not specifically about trans magic, although it does include a long poem about Teirisias, it is written from and inspired from her perspective.

We have in hand some advance copies, which available direct from the website while the book is shipping to the distributor and won't be available through other channels for a while yet. We're offering free shipping in the US for pre-orders until May.

I'd also very much recommended Rachel's novels UNQUENCHABLE FIRE And TEMPORARY AGENCY, which are sadly out of print but very worth tracking down.

I didn't start crying when I woke up this morning, and maybe that was because I had a waking dream.

In the dream, I saw a puppy in the back alley way near where it meets a bush track. It looked like a plush toy and had different markings, but somehow I knew it was Peggy, about to be reborn again. I (though I'm not actually visible in the dream) shout out his name and he comes running along the bush track. I seem to be in an adjacent horse paddock separated by a fence. He comes up wagging his tale but just as he tries to go under the barb wire red lines saying "NO ENTRY" appear (just like in Second Life, when you try and enter a private area) and he can't get through. Then I say "It's OK boy, you can go now, I'll be OK" and he barks and wags his tail and runs off down the bush track a happy pup.

This morning when I walked Hallie and Bobby, as I passed the sofa and grave in the backyard (the solid red line in this map) it didn't feel like Pegasus was still there. It felt like he was gone. Ever since he died I've been feeling his presence here, especially around the grave and sofa under the trees that we'd rest on so often. The sofa was a favourite spot for both of us. He'd sit listening and watching (and barking at distant dogs) and I'd be reading a book or a comic.

For the last three days I've been talking to him as if he was still alive, watching me around the other dogs.And I've been feeling like his spirit's here, even watching me dig his grave.

But not this morning. This morning he wasn't there.

And I believe that we all move on. That when we die our soul or personality dies with us, but that our spirit lives on, to be reborn anew to re-experience the world as a witness to the divine, whether one is human, animal, plant or whatever. And the dream I think means that to me. Yesterday I had a ritual in Second Life, and afterwards I planted a memorial candle for him. Though these things are all virtual, it was the best I could do until I do the same thing in real life, and regardless of that such rituals do seem to make a difference to me.

In any case, what the candle said was more or less "thank you for being in my life, and speed on to your next life". And last night - after I had a warm bath but before I dressed - I went out the back and sat next to the the grave, and said the same things to him, thanking him for his time with me, that I will never forget him, and that he can move on now. Then I came inside drank some wine, and fell asleep.

And this morning it feels as if his presence has been lifted, like a great weight taken from me. I will still cry and be upset for a long while to come, but I feel... ...relieved. And I will have my ceremonies, but I know now he's gone to restart the great cycle.

Bugger. Can't get to sleep. I have this doubt since Pegasus's death last night and it won't go away. This contemplation feels more like one for Sahmain than Beltaine. I may have posted some of the following before.

Sometimes in the last 3 years I had the most intense vision of Pegasus. In the vision...

Pegasus is on a table, looking very tired, and looking very old. I'm there too and I come up to him - he wags his tail and smiles a "dog smile" - and I say "It's OK boy dog, it's OK, we're going to make the pain go away". Then I put my arms around him and someone takes a photo of us. Then the vet comes and gives him an injection and he's gone, and I start crying and don't stop.

Sometimes I could see that image - of me posing with Pegasus for the camera, and it upset me I guess, because I knew that Pegasus will die some day. So will I of course, but I guess the big feeling has been of loss is about friendship and companionship and I'm certainly feeling that now. But of course that's not how Peggy died. After gasping for air, he died while I was across the road getting help. So was it just the fear in me that would bring the vision up?

Back in 2003, I was walking Peggy down a bush track (this following bit is reprinted from a posting I did back then).

As I was walking, like I normally do, I came to contemplation, the nearest thing to Meditation that I can get. And it just popped into my head that I'd have Pegasus for another 7 years. He's currently 6 years old [11 this year], so that would make him 13 -- not a bad lifespan for a dog. And then, unbidden came the thought "and I've got 23 to go". I did my sums and mistakenly figured 89 years (I'm 46 this year [52 in 2008]) but in fact it was more like 69.

And the first thing that comes to mind is that the figures for Peggy were wrong. And if Peggy's were wrong, mine could be too. Of course what if they were right if I hadn't fucked up and not failed to get him to the vet in the last week? That's hard to say though I know there's a part of my mind that latches on to any suggestion like that and uses it against me. Let's say for the sake of argument that there were just abstracts plucked out of the air. They still had an effect on me. I've been dreading Pegasus's death for a long long time.

I think for whatever reason I've been very wary of visiting the vets with him, in case the vet suggested that he be put down. And maybe it helped freeze me in inaction, when what was needed was some positive action. I honestly though Peggy would be ok yesterday. It was a really hot day and most of the time he was lying down asleep. In fact, when I found him it seemed rather odd, because it was cool outside like he liked it and there he was having trouble breathing. It was dramatically worse than earlier in the day.

Some years ago I wrote:

Time is:

short,
but also long,
and in a finite space of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks,
months and years,
we have both no time
and all the time
we need.

And now I have to consider if that was true or not. Did I have my time with Pegasus (or did I by neglect cut it short)? I think that on the whole I did. Can't prove it, but it feels that way. Just now before I started this contemplation I went outside and sat next to the grave and talked to Pegasus. I told him that I loved him and that if by neglect I'd killed him, I was sorry.

Writing it now, it seems really dumb, but that is what I did. I also asked him (and the the Goddess) to appear in a dream tonight and let me know either way. Maybe Pegasus will be in my dreams tonight. Maybe he won't, but I've left the way open.

And if Beltaine is about fire and life and the promise of things to come, then why is mine about death. Death and life are related of course. And Pegasus always was the Goddess's gift to me. This year is all about change and so much has happened so far. But not in evenly spaced intervals or amounts. Everything is all over the place, accelerating towards the end of the year.

When Pegasus was ill at the start of the month I thought he was going to die (my niece's dog Minty had died a few days earlier). As I held him in my arms I told him that I loved him and that if he needed to go, that was OK. I didn't want to see him in long lingering pain and decline. I saw that in my father who after a double stroke withered away in a nursing home. Then, the next day he was much recovered. I was relieved though I also committed to take him to a vet, sometime soon. That never happened, and for the last week I'd had the oddest feeling that he was ready to go.

I was going to take him to the vet next Wednesday (a pay day) but he went quickly last night. And the bottom line is, that regardless of symptoms he had in the past, I have no idea what caused it. I can agonise over why and how and if, but it won't change anything, won't bring him back to life (this is not Pet Cemetery!) . So, I think that I have to accept responsibility either way simply because I cared for him. I'm sorry if through inaction I hastened his death but I am also glad that he did not suffer long.

And there's irony here. My aunty Glennis died late last year. My friend Jenny goes into a nursing home and get her dog. II may have employment as the night shift at a retirement village. Really, this is watching out for humans in similar conditions like Pegasus - elderly, in decline and in need of medication and attention. Only I'll be there to give first aid if necessary and call the ambulance if it's bad. And maybe they'll die (we all do, but you know what I mean) or maybe they won't. But I can make a difference maybe, even if seemed I could at the very end of Peggy's life.

I finally applied and got my masters in fine arts, which I'll start next year. But before that I'm going home to Perth to see family and friends. I need to see my family, especially my mother, before any more die off. I need to see the good friends I left behind in Perth too. I need to touch ground again and reaffirm certain things in myself, even though I can't seem to define those things exactly.

It seems to me that next year is going to be entirely different from what I expect. I have no idea if that's good or not, but rather than dither over it, I'll just go forward one day at a time. When I try it any faster, I fuck up, so best to go at my own speed (whatever that is). Anyway. this ends here. I want to sleep and maybe meet my dog in dreams for a play with the ball I buried with him. :)

 

So excited.
Will keep you posted on how that went!

Pagan practioner, in fact actually officially studying paganism for years now, now in school. Looking to bounce ideas around and bond with others like me across the state, states and continents! Don't have any particular school, more of an eclectic type of a thing, with predominance of alchemy, hinduism and own research. 

The Gender Public Advocacy Coalition is pleased to announce the release of its 2008 GENIUS Survey in partnership with Ernst & Young. GenderPAC works to ensure that classrooms, communities and workplaces are safe for everyone to learn, grow and succeed.

The Gender Equality National Index for Universities & Schools (GENIUS), GenderPAC’s most recent effort to end discrimination and promote awareness, encourages colleges and universities to recognize the benefits of a GenderSAFE campus - supportive equitable and protective for all students. Choosing to participate in GENUIS sends a strong public statement that bullying or discriminating based on the race, sex or gender of a student, faculty, or staff member is not tolerated at your institution

Fill out the survey at: www.gpac.org/GENIUS2008survey, and make sure that we have data for as many schools as possible. Your voice will help us continue to work towards a safe and welcoming environment for every student

Don't need to read any references for this to know that in my life it's all about death and change. Death and change, death and change. Feel sick of it. The last few weeks have just been tense. Not only have I been on two training courses (room attendant and 1st aid) but the suicide of an online friend and the collapse of a real life friend, have impacted on me.

To be fair, I didn't know that online friend that well, just met them a few times within the virtual world of Second Life. But that wasn't the point. That which we had in common - both being trans - is. It made me think about a lot of things. My reaction to this was not good and I got "triggered" by some comments in an in-world chat room and panicked. Something odd happened. Someone I didn't seem to know, but knew me, confronted me about my reaction.

It felt like a "kick in the pants" from the Goddess. But since then I've only been in Second Life for very brief periods, and seldom as that avatar. And I think perhaps that one reason for this was that the nature of play within a virtual reality world had changed. The big appeal of such a thing (at least for me) was "play without risk" but it's clear now that such is an illusion.

There's always risk in such things - it's just now obvious what that is. In this case, it's investing (or over committing) emotionally in an an online involvement and then having that "investment" disappear from under myself. OK, in general I'm controlling an "avatar" that interacts with with other "avatars", but there's a real person behind each avatar. And the death, by suicide or other means, was a real death in real life.

It brought to the surface just how hard sometimes that it can be to be transgendered, and the way in which the everyday grind can and everyday difficulties can bring one down. I resolved the issues around that, and you can read the six page comic I did to explore these at http://lauraseabrook.comicgenesis.… .

My real life friend, who is also trans, has MS and has been housebound for some years is another matter. Her collapse signalled the death of her independence which she cherished and attempted to maintain as long as possible. For the last three years, I've seen her health decline at a steady rate. Last year I looked after her cat and dog while she was in hospital with pneumonia, and when she came out the cat (Ebony) stayed. This time around I have her dog Bobby here - probably for good.

Two days ago - Sahmain in the Southern Hemisphere - I was with her at her flat and watched while she desperately tried to transfer from her wheelchair to her sofa. She couldn't do it, and that simple failure meant that practically, she was unable to look after her self, or her dog. And that means going to a nursing home, winding up the flat and placing Bobby somewhere (mostly likely here).

It was the most dispiriting thing to see my friend just give up. I couldn't fix things, couldn't save her from this. Yesterday I "ran away" from home for a bit, going down to Sydney for some time out. I needed it. I saw two counsellors in two days (the first was directly after being with my friend) because I needed to talk things through. And it seemed that I was meant to see the second counsellor - their booked appointment had cancelled just before I showed up.

The question that both raised in me was "Why bother? Why go on?" And the thing is that I don't exactly have an answer.

We all decay, we all die. But the manner in which we do is different for each one of us. I couldn't help my online friend after the event. I couldn't help my real life friend to transfer, and couldn't be what she hoped for (a 24 hour live-in carer). But at least with my real life friend there is hope. I can still be there for her to talk to and help in other ways, and maybe nursing home life won't be such a living death as she fears.

Picked up a book of the sayings of the Buddha today and randomly selected a page. It said:

Through perseverance, vigilance
self-restraint, a wise person creates a
safe harbour for herself that no
storm can overwhelm.

So I need to find that calm in me, because without I'll never help others find the calm in themselves. I can at least make the effort, but I also have to be practical and know my limits. I need to know when to say 'yes', and when to say 'no'. And I think I really should be serious about my masters project, get my application in and start producing my graphic novels about what gender transition means, and about biographical episodes from my life.

Because maybe together I stand a chance of finding answers, or at least beginning to search to look for some.

Lavatio (27 March) is the last of a series of celebrations held in Roman times related to Cybele and Attis, representing a cycle of death and rebirth.

A long and magnificent procession took
place along the Appian Way, during which the Phrygian priests and priestesses carried her image in procession through the city, begging
alms in her name...striking their timbrels, while their followers play tunes upon their flutes in honour of the Mother of the Gods.

Then the idol would be dipped into the Almo river, rubbed with ash and then washed, and showered with flowers. Other religious artefacts were also washed. The Goddess was asked if she would return to Rome, and then taken back the way She came (so we assume the answer was YES).

There's a mix of symbols and allegories here, and reasons for the ritual. Firstly, it exposed the image of Cybele to public adoration. Secondly, it allowed for a form of "spring cleaning" representing a final part of the cycle of renewal. Also, the asking of, and return of the idol echoes the story of how Cybele came to Rome - a delegation was sent Pergamun to invite the Goddess to Rome, after which the statue and black meteorite that represented Her was transported across the Mediterranean to Rome. So what's it all about?

In the previous days of the the cycle, we have initiated a period of reflection and contemplation (Canna Intrat); we have grieved and mourned what we discarded and left behind (Arbor intrat); we have sacrificed what is necessary obtain our goals, and committed to them (Dies Sanguinis); we have reached or changed our goals, and in the process changed ourselves (Hilaria); and we have rested from all of that (Requietio).

But within all of this, live goes on - life is a cycle of cycles.

Before enlightenment, we chop wood and carry water. And after enlightenment we still chop wood and carry water (though indeed we may well appreciate these more). The small things we do that sustain life are as important as our larger goals and dreams. So, we might well perceive the meaning of the universe, achieve that dream or reach that lofty goal, but we still need to put out the garbage, still polish up the silver and spring clean our homes.

In Roman times, this was part of series of celebrations related to Cybele and Attis, representing a cycle of death and rebirth.

Requietio (26 March) was a day of rest. People probably needed it after the previous day (Hilaria).

Sometimes, it's just as important to know when to stop and rest, as it is to make an effort. Take the time to rest and recuperate, and you might notice things, and enjoy things, that you missed before. And even if you don't, isn't it nice to take a break?