GET A HOME

today i woke up a six o'clock to drive to school. it was horrible. once i move out i can leave a bunch of minutes later. that is a good thing. i have to work in piscataway tomorrow. a place 54 miles from my house. it should be gay. i have to pay insurance though. that is good that i can do that. i never thought that i could be lonely, did you know that juan? i don't like people. i like my buddies. i like my crew. they were fun. i just don't want to be surrounded by them. it is intimidating. it makes me want to do bad things. to you juan. i want to rock. rocking is not bad. rocking is good. if i can get my work done tomorrow, this weekend could be very nice and stress free. that is what i need. i haven't really had any of that all week. i have been alone all week. i don't like that. not one bit. but i am sick too. i don't want to get anyone sick.

today i was very sick. my stomache and throat and head hurt. i laid down to sleep for an hour or so and when my mom woke me up i thought that it was tomorrow. i don't know, fucked up shit happens in your sleep. i've learned about it in school. i have also learned that if i keep going to school i will not live much longer at all. which is really a shame isn't it. i mean all that i contribute to society. how nice i am to people. how much i care about other's feelings. how wonderful i make everyone feel. how attractive i am. this is all sarcasm juan.

i want to be in a kickin band that rules the world. then i can have a crew again. a posse. we have a show for the town battle of the bands in january. we have to play it and not be rusty. everyone will want to score with me again. i will feel cool for the night. i will go home and sleep easy knowing that i have given the gift of rock. that is all i want to do. just rock. that's all. not anything more. i don't need the drugs. i don't need the sex. i don't even need the roll. i just need to rock. david bowie fucking rocks. and he slept with mick jagger. i will not do that. but i'd like to rock like mr. bowie. this monday after work i will do school things then take the night to change strings, set up, and prepare for battle, my tools of rock. those are my guitars. they rock. i want to go to bed because i have to get up in a few hours. big v is still partying. in the city. at party city. so i'll wait. i'll practice good oral. hygene. and brush my teeth. it will be nice to feel nice in the teeth.

you can't rock unless you are attractive to sluts and have great, aryan white teeth. i'll do those things and rock. keep your pants on sluts. keep your sunglasses on sluts who are looking at my teeth. they will blind you soon. you should be blind already. from being hit in the eye with so much wang (cough cough sarah cough cough). keep your pants on too. how about everyone keeps their pants on. that sounds like a plan. i believe a man from a particular state once realized what a great thing pants are. it was probably a jewish state. if you don't get it. pipe it. then you are not rock and roll. then you are jewish. you like yanni. yanni is greek. then chances areyou like fried goat. if you are greek you may be related to adam moutafish. he can be in my rock band. we can rock. he needs to rock. so he does not make any more slime. no more floors or slime or floors made out of slime. just rock. i'm out. in the bathroom. with minty gel in my mouth. stay metal. or if you are a zombie, stay dead. bitch.

i'm not a fan of the florida marlins. but i hate the yankees. however, i have underestimated the marlins. perhaps they still stand no change againg the powerful A.L lineups, but they do play smallball rather well. they stretch out singles to doubles, are smart on the basepaths, and play to their field exremely well. all the makings of an old school team. it's a shame that they aer all small and not on steroids because they cannot win now.

today i went with rola to her muslamb meeting (note the gwb pronouncing of the word), pretty much because i'm despertate for human interaction and rola is one human being that i do know who goes to my college. i don't want to meet new ones, they are all not for me. i really do wish i could though. i rationalize not meeting people by calling them all douchebags, but i really do like people. they are not bad. they just don't like me because i am ugly. i got a letter today. i got two letter actually. one is a recall on my car. they say the air conditioning is going to break. just great. the other was from philosophers. time to pick classes. i'd like to be a philosopher. but i have to support a family eventually so i can't do that. i must do a profiting thing for me and the ol' lady. like selling crack. my van has one more week before it MUST be off the street. i got that letter today too. i guess i got three letters. i lied to you pablo. i am so tired of being alone all the time, i need something other than writing stupid college papers to occupy my time. i really hate college. every time i think of it i just want to end my life in some horrible way just so that i have one last bit of suffering to endure to justify offing myself to avoid other stupid pains.

my mom gave me a fire safety packet today. it has a ruler. it has an eraser. it has a pencil. i ate a hamsteak today. i am so fucking fat and worthless. why am i even here, just so that god can look down and all the other "good people" can gawk at how akward looking i am and make fun of me in heaven, a place i will never go, while people down here avoid my busted ass at all costs. ahhh, i fucking hate living. i just want to go outside but it's too cold to sleep outside tonight. adam called. said that we should go to cabin j. that would be great. i like cabin j. it is good. me and the big v could be in the woods. that's where i like to be. i like the idea of saving money to buy a big house. that makes me feel like i've got something to work for. but i'd rather drop out of school and work three jobs. that would be silly and fun. i just want to be happy again. i'd like to try to find a buddy or a person who i can talk to for a while.

i think doing stage productions of twilight zone episodes is a good idea. i've always wanted to be an actor, i don't really mention it because everyone will think i'm gay and i've never met a character who i'd like to be. but i know a few people i'd like to be for about 22 minutes. everything could be low budget, the dialouge would carry it along. i could do it, i even know how to get permission and rights from the TZ people. it would be fun. it's a dream though. and i've had lots of them. so many. they don't generally come true. other things interfere with them, like living sometimes.

tomorrow is my early day at school. i wake up at 6 and drive to nigga university. i drive and the sun doesn't come up until i'm a few towns over. at first i thought it was novel. but now it just hurts me like lots of other things. i don't care though. no one does anymore. everyone is tired of me. my mom is. i'm sure big v is. i'm sure god is. there's just no more place for someone who feels like me. there is only one thing to do and i'm going to go do it now. i'm going to go drink some orange juice. because my throat hurts. i'm going to go. because i hate my life and i want to stop wrting a lot of things. it comes out funny sometimes. beavis once said "life sucks. and then you die." he couldn't be more of a prophet. scott thompson once said "peace doesn't make a profit" and dave foley (dressed as a french canadian female hooker) said "not unless it's a piece of ass."

that's the end of my story. life sucks then you die then you find peace which doesn't make you any money so you become a cross dressing french canadian hooker. thank you tv.

i am about to do some work for freshman seminar class in college. it is not a bad class. it is just at a bad time. i want to do something that i'm good at. i want to play some badminton. i want to die. i really really do. everyday i wake up and go through the same stupid bullshit and want to die. why can't i just get what i want once. i'm not asking for a fucking pony or anything.

i have a ten dollar gift certificate to barnes and nobles booksellers. i will go there eventually and buy something worth ten dollars. i have a flu like cold. it is gay. today i saw the big v. for about several minutes. i then proceeded to eat breakfast at the diner. i then went home and was useless for a few hours. i showered again, just to clean out my illness. it's not working. it seems everyday there are more and more papers to write. it is stupid. i wish that i wasn't so pressured to know what i have to do for the rest of my life. i'm still young. i am in college because it's free, i have no idea why i stay. i do not want to pick a career, i don't know how it will come to me.

my cat is trying to eat pretzels. she does not like them. i do not like me. i am going to go do things now. hopefully there will be a huge pile of heroin somewhere that i can do and die. good evening.

i have to write a five page paper. it is due tomorrow. i don't have the will to live, so fuck writing a paper. i have the flu. perhaps i'll get aids and die. i have been working on my paper for four hours and have only typed the title. it is called "it's fun to play with plato." i'm going to change that too. i want nothing more than to just die and rest in eternal peace, no more hassles. with my luck i'll be reincarnated as a fucking person again and have to kill myself over and over again until someone getst the message. i've changed a whole lot. i don't even watch porn any more. sex is disgusting. so are you ballsacface. i no longer care about winning at anything. i only play my guitar a few minutes a day. i gained most the weight that i lost back over the past year. i drink too much orange juice, my hands smell like oranges. i am going to be working a lot this week, which means i will have to balance that and schoolwork. i hate school.

been listening to jamiroquai lately. wanting to dance. i have nowhere to dance. dancing is gay. so are you ballsacface. the paper i have to write is going to take me a few hours to do, but it is hot in this room. i don't like being warm. i do not like you ballsacface. adam spratt called me today, wanted to hang out. i couldn't because all this work. i did not go to my philosophy department meeting today because i felt like death. not that i mind dying, but dying at a meeting full of old men in ties is almost as gay as being killed by eric hanston in a head on collision on weldon road.

today i watched a twilight zone video. it had very good episodes on it. my mom made me soup because i am sick. and just in case there is a certain party reading this journal, MY MOM DID INDEED PUT AN ICE CUBE IN THE SOUP BECAUSE IT WAS A BIT TOO HOT TO EAT RIGHT AWAY. if youdon't understand that, well then chances have it that you're not ray charles. chances will also have it that you didn't get that because you are not used to hearing about the ice cubes in soup theory. do not concern yourself with ice cubes in soup if it is not your place. however, if it is your place, please put them in my bowl when the soup is hot.

my cat is laying on me. he is making me warm. he is furry. he is black. he is furry and black and his name is carlos mendelbaum. he is spanish and jewish. like geraldo. we make up ethnicites of our cats because it's fun. you are not fun ballsacface. my brother has filled the room up with wood because he's building something. there is a lot of wood in here. wood is good when you live in the hood.

i'm going to go write a paper then go to bed and pray to die in a way that is not too publicly expoited. then perhaps i will die in that way. who knows what's in the cards. ron howard knows what's in the cards. fuck you ron howard. you are bald. fucking ballsacface. i'd like to go now. if you are willing to kill me and would like to make a decent amount of cash, and it will be cash. please give me a call at 9738861852 all suggestions will be heard. thank you

today i watched a twilight zone video and ate some toffee and wanted to die. nobody was home, i was alone. it was not fun. i want to move to the woods. i can die there too and nobody will ever hear about it except for a few persons who i will not know enough to have them care. that will be sweet. i showered today, for the first time in a while and i feel much more unclear than i did before. i feel guilty for some reason. for showering. very odd. i have papers and midterms. i have to do them now. if something killed me now, i wouldn't have to do them. that would be glorious. vicki went to north carolina today. sounds like fun. north carolina has fun things. my uncle lives there. haven't heard from him in a while. whatever.

i'm going to change my major this week from philosophy to something else. i don't know what. perhaps to suicide. i'd be really good at that. i have to go to sleep but if i lay down, i'll be out for the night and i have two papers to type tonight for tomorrow's class. fuck school. if you are in high school, don't go to college. it is gay. think about it. you will be 22 when you graduate college. you will have spent 17 of those years in school. that blows.

i watched a bunch of any milonakis videos. he's kind of funny. my dad gave me 20 dollars for gas because of my birthday. that was nice i suppose. i saw a movie with steph duncan and big v this weekend. they wanted to slam me. i didn't let them. eric hanston almost killed me on weldon road when he was trying to pass on a double yellow line. fucking dumbass. i mean i want to die really badly and all, but it just takes away from it if i were killed by eric hanston. it would make me want to die when i was dead.

i hate school. there are so many black people and rich white people there. too many of them. i want to hang myself from a tree outside one of the important buildings just to show everyone how badly school sucks. i need some money so i don't have to worry about that. because worrying makes your penis shrink. i only have about 2 inches left before it's all gone. between worrying and gambling there is not much left.

i told some skater kids with skateboards to get a home today. the one flipped me off. so i stopped in the middle of the road. i told him once again to get a home. punk ass kid. that is all i ever do now, want to die and tell kids to get homes. very fulfilling. i have to go type now. $400 if you make it look like an accident.

i just got home from school. school makes me want to kill myself. i had to take midterms. midterms make me want to kill myself. i filled up my gas tank. filling up my gas tank makes me want to drive less. i ate a piece of enteman's ultimate crumb cake. i can tell you one thing. it is not ultimate. i've had the ultimate. it is not enteman's. entaman's is not ultimate at all. big v special in a small baking tin is ultimate. especially wehen warm. fuck you entamans. i am on the phone wtih my lawyer. i am going to sue the enteman's company for false advertisement. hopefully we can reach an out-of-court settlement where i get 12,000 marshmallow iced devil's food cakes. and don't try to sneak in any of those "light" ones either mr. enteman, you cocksmoking samuri. i can tell, so bring the calories.

a telephone survey man called me just now. i answered him honestly and politely. i said that i did not favor president bush. i said that i was protestant. i said that i do support meat sticks. actually that was not a question. just a meat stick.
i think that i'm gonna get some pepperoni bread today for me and big v. i would get one, but vicki doesn't share because she is not a proper sharing person and she likes to take toys away from kids so that she will have all the toys and never share. that is what she does.

i may get to go to prom with hillairy. it will be down south. that is funny because i can go WHOOO!!!! and everyone will think that i am from there. because if you live in the south you go WHOOOOOO all the time. if i go to prom with her though, there will be no cabin j. which sucks because cabin j does not suck. i have to go now, i am very hungry. if i were a prostitute, i'd want to be paid in chicken nuggets right now. i'm going to possibly go get chicken nuggets.
see you later octavio

today i drove home from school. i hate school it makes me want to slit my wrists wtih rusty old guitar strings from 1987. came home and ate a decent sandwitch then came in here and tried to study. however, i just can't do it, i can't bring myself to give a shit about school or anything of that nature. so i went out to do somehting, i don't even remember what, oh i think it was buy toilet paper. anyway, i drove by the park and there were a bunch of 11 year old kids playing basketball, smoking things and wearing tyra banks naked hoodies and t-shirts, i think they were playing a tyrabanksnaked shirts v. tyrabanksnaked hoodies game or some shit. all in all there were six band clothing items on these ten year old scrappy basketball players. i honked. they looked confused. i have no van. therefore nobody recognizes me. i have to get rid of the van before monday or else the LS snow ordinance kicks in and i'll get fined for having it on the street. so if anyone wants it cheap, please take it,i really need the money.

phish tickets go on sale tomorrow morning
maybe i will try to get tickets, but i don't know what one i'd actually be able to go to. who cares, i'll just sit home. who's ready for saturday night? not me.

this time last year i had two jobs. now i have nothing. this time last year i had my van. now i do not. this time last year i had a functioning band. now i do not. this time last year i did not want to die as much as i do now. this time last year i thought i was respected for all my hard work. now i know better, i know it's all for shit. this time last year i didn't have ulcers. now i do and they hurt a whole shitload. perhaps i'll feel better one day, but that day is not soon. so who's up for saturday night? so who actually reads this? so who wants to try to get phish tickets for me on friday while i have my midterms, you can use my credit card for whatever you need if you get them. i'm not feeling to dandy tonight. tonight vicki asked me if i had anyone i could call or ask if i missed my classes tomorrow. i then realized that in a school of around ten thousand kids, i don't have one person i talk to, not one. so i wanted to die. i was then told in more or less words that i'm not even the equivalent of a human being. so i'm just waiting to die. i hope i don't have to wait long. i have nothing to leave anyone, and if you think you are getting my es-5, that goes to the winner of the post-death arm wrestling tournament. i hate it when i just sit here and stay awake but my eyes start to crust over and close because i'm tired. fuck this useless body i'm in, when i die maybe some bacteria will eat my flesh and i'll be listed as not such a fat fuck on my death certificate. goodnight raul.

tonight i went to michael getchis' house. it was ok. i didn't blow anything up but i got to hang out with xuxa. he is a funny asian kid. we talked about the braves and then they lost (i think, some obnoxious fucks were blasting emimem garbage and standing in front of the tv in the bottom of the ninth). my beard has gotten much longer since the last time anyone has seen me. everyone likes my beard because it is long. the same reason everyone likes my penis. i wish it wasn't so cold so we could all go for a sacman stroll. but halloween is coming up. my favorite time of year. every year i get this giddy exciting feeling with all the change in weather and shit, just like everything is great. because halloween usually is. i can get up in drag and have fun. i can see rocky horror. i can trick or treat. i can curl my eyelashes. i can bring roy mcallister to life. go roy, heavyweight champion of the world

so i went to william paterson's freshman orientation today and it was killing me. first, we had some motherfuker from monster.com come in and slip a shitload of advertisements for mentos and whatnot into his speech about "how to be succesful." so on the feedback sheet i attached a drawing in which this corporate tool's head is being kicked off by XuXa, i don't know if he'll get the message but i'm sure that someone will. anyway, i found out that they are not giving us our schedules until tomorrow so i found my mom and left hoping that big v would not have left for six flags just yet and then i could go with her but she was gone when i called. since there was nothing to do i went to the pizza place across from my old house in haledon with my mom, pretty fucking cool eh? i got home and nobody called at all, no one. i had my house phone and cell phone right next to me the whole time but nobody called me at all, so i slept for a few hours, woke up called vicki went back to sleep. phone went out of service, so i just turned it on again, still no calls. fuck this, i'm going out for a while.