All The Flavor You Can Handle

I feel like I’m downing in freezing water. It’s like I’m being sucked under and no matter how hard I struggle and fight I can’t get free. Maybe it’s just my hormones, but I’m so disgusted with people and feel so helpless. There is so much hate and pain in the world and it just seems to be escalating. Maybe we really are coming to our end. Maybe instead of the world ending by an act of God, it’ll end with us drowning in a wave of tears from the innocents we’ve wronged. What is so different about each other that we have to punish ourselves like this? Who can be so completely inhuman that they think the only way to solve a problem is with violence? Has it always been like this and I’ve just been so naive as to not see it? I like to pride myself as being fairly articulate, but I can’t find the right words to express myself. I’m so heartbroken, or is it depressed, or emotionally crushed? All I know is that my soul feels so heavy that I can barely stand it. There has to be a way to make it stop. There has to be some empathy and humanity left in people that they can see that what they’re doing is wrong. Things have to get better, but I’m not sure if they can.

-Tocxy

So, I just got done watching the movie; The Stoning of Soraya M. for the first time since it came out last year. I’d read the book, but there’s a HUGE difference between reading a chapter here or there and actually sitting down for an hour and a half and watching it. The performances were amazing and I couldn’t help but begin crying when they were putting Soraya into the hole. I wanted to write this before it left my head, but I’m finding it hard because of how painful it is to remember those scenes. I caught myself holding my breath a few times and more than once I covered my mouth so I wouldn’t scream. My heartbeat is still racing and I feel this overwhelming sense of…sadness isn’t strong enough of a word. The stoning scene was very hard to watch, but it’s about a woman being STONED TO DEATH. I guess if it wasn’t meant to sicken and enrage people they would have played ragtime music during the sequence. It’s rare when I cry over a movie(Passion of the Christ didn’t even get a sniffle from me), but this movie with the way it was shot and acted made me cry like a little girl. I don’t even know how to end this post…


Here's the trailer for it, you can find the whole movie on wisevid:

Watching this reproduction of Stanley Milgram's experiment(we read about it in my Success Strategies class) really made me question just how far I would go. It also reminded me of when Nerad gave us the sinking ship and the full lifeboat scenario. Kind of interested in what everyone else thinks they would have done. It's easy to say from my comfy bed that I would have stopped as soon as I heard a moan of pain, but I'm not sure if I really would have. I like to think I am a good person, but does following orders make you a bad one?





The original experiment was performed in 1961 with a whopping 65% of people actually going to the 450 Volt mark. With this reproduction it was 75%. I don't know why, but this bothers me, I find it hard to say for certain what I would have done if put in the same situation.




Anyway, as always;
Love, love, kiss, kiss,


Tocxy and the mini one

So, I figured I'd post my discussion question for one of my classes. Our assignment was to compare the behaviors of children and adults waiting in line. I chose to observe my family because....well it's not like I actually go anywhere nowadays. Here is my responce to the question in any case:




I found it very hard not to make conjecture about what the people I observed were feeling and thinking while I was taking notes. It was even harder since I knew the people. Some of them noticed me watching them and gave me a strange look before moving further behind someone else. At one point in my original notes it says something to the effect of 'she's staring at me because she knows I'm staring at her'. After I realized what I was doing, my notes became a bit more professional. I noticed that the children up to about the age of 9 or 10 were constantly getting out of the line and running ahead to look at all of the food before running back to their parents. The older kids mostly stood in a little group talking and texting while the line moved. The adults(being more accustomed to waiting in lines) were all for the most part just standing in the typical queuing position, talking to each other every now and then but mostly watching the food as it slowly disappeared. Of course there is a difference between observing strangers and observing one's own family, but I figured since we're such a large clan that I could restrain myself from reporting such assumptions as 'Aunt June doesn't realize that she looks silly pinching that man's cheek, she doesn't know that he's my cousins new boyfriend and they've never met before'.

So, 25 weeks into this whole Tocxy-havin a baby thing and I find myself almost constantly on baby-gaga. Which is weird because with all of the hormones flying around that site, I find it hard not to try feeding my computer a chocolate bar to make it feel better(of course then the computer would complain about how fat its monitor was getting). I honestly didn't expect myself to spend so much time on it and more than a bit freaked out by how I slowly sliding into mom mode(I yelled at a kid in the street not to hit his sister with the trash can...the sister retaliated by smacking him with a broom). I think mom-ness may be a disease. It's even affected the Wolfman(pregnancy brain: I wanna go watch that movie really bad...). I'm taking Dr. Seuss books back up with me on the 23rd so that he can read them to my stomach. Now I like Dr. S. as much as the next immature-adult, but why the hell is he reading it to my stomach? She doesn't know what he's saying to her. He could be reading Gone With the Wind for all she knows...this whole pregnancy thing is starting to get on my nerves and freak me out...if I was a cat I could have given birth three times already! Then again...after the pregnancy comes the labor...and the pain...*shivers*...Oh! And I've decided I hate my family. Everyone's like, *high voice*"Oh, when you're pregnant, that's the easy part, everyone asking how you are, offering to rub your back and such". Then I say something like; *normal smokers voice*"Oh yeah? Then why aren't you rubbing my back?" to which family members respond, *high-pitched voice again*"There's no reason to be so rude. You've always had such a snarky sense of humor". What? I was being serious! As for people asking how I am...it's a dirty lie! No one has asked me how I am, it's always *strains for highpitched voice* "How's the baby?" How the hell should I know?! It's not like we e-mail each other. I just want to grab a megaphone and scream "She's! In! Mah! Bellayyy!", what should I say? "Oh Aunt June, she's gestating quite nicely with her foot shoved into my hanging rib. Yup, won't be long now until she breaks it and rips my skin apart while being squeezed out my cervix."...Actually, I might just say that...I can imagine the look on the old bat's face...muhahahahahahaha!

Ne way, ja, ne?
Tocxi+Moonbeam(haha, now she's stuck with being called it and my mom can finally lay off)

Merry Christmas...I guess. I'm sick. I woke up this morning, not to the sound of reindeer hooves on the roof, but to the sound of gagging. I don't know what it is, but I've been throwing up all day. I ran out of toothpaste if that puts things into prospective. But it did give me something to do with the glycerin that's been at my Grandma's for who knows how long. Aaaaaand mine is extra minty(mmm...) so I guess that's a good thing.


Happy Holiday's in any case.

Okay, so while in Texas I was invited to go to the HOP and watch this really funny singer named Jonathan Coulton. Now, living in Georgia for three years before that I was like; "Jonathan Coulton, WTS(what the smurf)?" but then I figured; "It's Friday night and you haven't been out in a month, get off you blue butt and go since you don't have to pay for it!". I love him...with a passion. It's not just the glasses and scruffy beard(that's why I have the Red Man), but he's freakin' amazing. The first song of his I heard was the First of May(I thought "I'm willing to roll around outside all nakey with you") and that's when my love affair started. Since then I've totally geeked out my phone with ringtones and my playlists all have at least 8 of his songs on them. What I'm getting at is that I have really bad writer's block and spending my time looking at pictures of him and listening to Code Monkey on repeat isn't helping my block at all...nor does it lessen my desire for Mountain Dew and Fritos(No Dew for the preggy Tocxy and Fritos mean I have to get dressed and go and get them...poo). Someone, please...rescue me...

Happy Halloween! Woo! So...hmm...after graduation nothing really has happened. Weeeellll... there is that whole, moving back home, wasting my time with a stupid college that probably isn't even licensed, seeing senpai, getting back together with my wolfman, helping daddy find a women, trying to talk him out of marrying her after just one month, and getting pregnant stuff. But other than that...you know...nothing special.

This Halloween I totally punked out and am going in the outfit Uncle Nassi got me to wear on my first trip to India. I came down to Florida to spend it with my mom and her boyfriends daughter and my ex-stepmom(the most recent one). On further contemplation(which I had plenty of time to do while driving 4 hours in the rain behind people who go 45 in a 60mph zone) I probably should have called senpai and seen what she was up to...it would have saved me $50 in gas.


On the whole Tocxy being pregnant thing one may ask, 'what kind of hypocrite does a graduation peice on safe sex only to turn up pregnant a few months later', well to one I say 'NYA!' and to two and three, this was a very persistent little parasite. For the two months leading up to the pregnancy I was on Yaz and always used a condom( at this point one might say 'WOAH okay Tocxy, bit to much info.' and to one again I reply 'NYA!'). Now, I'm in medical debt up to my eyeballs(after only an initial visit I owe them $1150, can you say 'I'm studying for the wrong profession'?), I'm sick at my stomach all the time, I'm expected to lye around the house all day and not lift anything bigger than Osho(Normally I would enjoy this, it's just that now it's expected of me.), and I'm getting fat and there's no amount of sit-ups or laps in the pool that will change that. However, on the plus side I don't have to worry about getting my period so U can swim whenever I want.

Anyway, I'm going to re-re-re-re-re-re-re-watch RH Plus. They hot vampires, and thank the gods they don't have a pussy power like glittering!(I just can't take a vampire seriously when you can let Staffon into Bath and Body Works for an hour and he can come out looking like a black Edward Cullen)



I'm sick and tired of Twilight and am ready to try and literally scrub the memory of it from my brain.

It seems that I’ve been neglecting my journal entries as of late. In my defense lately I have been swamped with my Senior Exhibition.  I’m doing The Ineffectiveness of Sex Education in Texas. Woo, ignorance that outshines Georgia’s. After doing research for the last five months I’ve decided that all of the stereotypes about Texas are true. I’ve found myself becoming physically sick at some of the things taught in the classrooms (like you can get HIV from sweat and tears). Sometimes it has gotten to the point that I’ve had to walk away from the computer to avoid chucking him out of the window. It has been a very stressful ordeal for me and I’m glad that it will all be over (for better or for worse) on the twenty-first. It’s all I’ve been able to focus on for the entire semester and as soon as I’ve signed-off of my PowerPoint I’m not going towards the computer again for a while except for leisure. I hate that it’s all I can think about, but it doesn’t seem to care. Bye all…

 

Love, love, kiss, kiss

Tocxy

The Overworked-Uncaffeinated Dwarf

 

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Okay, so it's been a while, I've been wrapped up in getting current in Nerad's class and Oni-con stuff to really get on anything. So, here's a blog I wrote recently for myspace on love, relationships, and how I fit in to everyone elses. Enjoy.

I’m not sure if it’s my new found bitterness for love or the fact that it’s being shoved in my face all of a sudden by the Questicals (as students from Quest affectionately call each other), but I’ve noticed that a lot of people have decided to discuss their adventures in love with, you guessed it, yours truly. So I would like to discuss this matter a bit further.

First of all, I could give a damn about your relationship and its trials and tribulations. Do you people really think that I don’t have problems of my own and would like nothing more than to hear about your failed love? Seriously...I love all of my Questicals... but maybe you should talk to your partner about how they snore in bed as opposed to someone who doesn’t give a fuck.

Also, if you haven’t noticed...I’m single! Obviously I suck at matters of the heart or I wouldn’t be in this state. If you really want to ask someone’s opinion on love, maybe it should be someone who’s actually IN it!

As for my own love life for those of you who don’t want my undivided attention on yours; it is nonexistent. It’s not that no one’s interested(*cough cough* Eric one word; no*cough cough*), it’s just this: I’ve been in love, I found THE ONE if such a thing exists, it ended terribly but at last I tried it out, I don’t think I can or want to fall in love again so, I’m good with being single.

On those words, let me leave you with a bit of sound-ish advice: If your friends AND complete strangers tell you she’s a whore, they’re probably all right; if he’s straight, chances are he’s not going to jump up and fall in love with you; if you’re dating a guy, it’s best to not mess around with your ex-girlfriend all the time; he won’t know you like him if you don’t tell him...dumbass; and finally, BRANDI IS NOT A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST AND SHE DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR ISSUES, THIS IS NOT DEAR ABBY TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES!

 

Love love, kiss kiss,

Tocxica