I had such a bad dream last night - although it's real spotty. (any help on this one would be much appreciated.)
Mostly I remember a very very scary little boy. I was supposed to go on some journey with him but I knew it was dangerous and went anyway. I don't know where but that's one part.
Next I am driving my car behind my sister. We're talking on our cell phones and it's very rainy outside. AT one point we pass a family that is in the middle of the freeway - the are all outside and something terrible has happened to their house. I wonder as we pass them if they will be safe standing there in the middle of the freeway - they are all wrapped in blankets.
Then I realize Joelle (my sister) has gotten into a bad accident and I am approaching it - then I am also in the accident - my car goes spinning out of control and I woke up saying "OH MY GOD"
Even though I'm feelin' pretty sad about the loss of the pilot i just thought of something. When the rock star and I broke up in 2000 - I was devastated, - like I'd never meet someone again who is so cool and interesting and almost famous. Then I met the engineer - and suddenly my world was turned up-side-down again. I was excited and in love. Then we broke up and again I thought - I'll never meet someone so together, so attractive and creative ever again. Then I meet the pilot - again my heart flips - the difference is; I refuse to now believe i won't ever meet someone attractive and smart and fabulous again....he's out there someone where - I hope he's eating oreo's, flying a plane, playing music and engineering something right now.
I'm a little sleepy right now so not all that sure anything that I write is going to be at all coherent.
I was just taking a bath and thinking about life and relationships and for some reason I was thinking about how people who are really in love and getting married etc. et.c..always use that term like "it's like coming home" or they feel like "home." Which seems so strange to me. My "home" always sucked - so why would you want to go back there? So then I thought - maybe that's my problem - I'm all over the place looking for Mr. "Home" when I didn't even like "home" in the first place.
So time to change my perspective a bit - I'm no longer looking for that "home" feeling. I'm looking for something more like - comfortable house, or modern apartment to be made into a "new home" - but I'm not so much interested in going home. I'm quite happy as a nomad for right now....or am I?!
Other than that I had a great night - martini with Tom and Amy and talked about their show - I like that. Business meetings over martini's - so nice. Then talked to pilot boy - who still freaks me out. He's super sad that he's moving to Oaklahoma - who could blame him - but he's so busy being sad about it he can't enjoy what's going on right now -- like me .... Hello?!
Anyhow - I'm really babbling - but I'm tired - time to sleep.
I dreamed I had to take over the show. Dave was gone or was playing a sort of joke on me. For some reason I had either been kicked out of my house or ran away - so the topic on the show for that day was "what to do when you get kicked out of the house." - But it didn't go so well and I ended up blaming it on the board op - they weren't screening my calls and I got very angry with them. They in turn got angry back at me and the show was a disaster.
For context: I had a rough week last week. Saw The Passion of the Christ on Monday and it really affected me - made me think a lot about where I am with my spiritual life etc...then went to a wake on Wednesday, my friend Jeremy's father died. And I've had a few dates with a pilot - he's in the airforce and flying today.
Last night I had this dream:
I am working somewhere like an office. But the office is outside in a feild. Maybe my elementary school. It's like a wide open feild with a desk and fax machine and copy machine right there outside. I am having trouble with the copy machine. It's frustrating because I can't get it to copy right - i will only copy partially - or the text won't fully fit on the page or it will shrink everything. The machine keeps getting stuck with paper or copying a million things at once. It's a little chaotic. At the same time I am working a case where I am suing Tom Douglas (Tom is a very famous chef here in Seattle and I produce his cooking show on KIRO). I want to sue Tom for giving me a steak and then putting it in a locker where it got rotten but I ate it anyway and got sick. My conscious is telling me that it is wrong to sue him because he's been very good to me and gave me the steak as a gift.
Next. I am still in the feild and notice a large plane coming across the sky. I wonder if it's the plane Sean is flying. It's clearly going to crash or is out of control. The plane lands - what looks like safely - on a street. The street is definately behind my elementary school - so the feild is the playfeild in my childhood neighborhood at Oakwood elementary - I was there from kindgergarten through 6th grade.
I say I can't beleive the pilot knew he could land in the street safely. It's a miracle and looks as if everyone is going to be ok. But I call 9-11 anyway - and can't get through - it's ringing and ringing - finally someone answers saying they are from a human and pet rescue place. I ask if this is 9-11 and they say yes but have to transfer me. At the same time I yell to someone else to call KIRO - and tell the news department what has happened.
Then - I am back in the feild and another plane has crashed. This is a smaller plane and the people are again - ok. The plane is carrying Erin Hart (a talk show host where I work) and Rich Johnson (a reporter here at KIRO). They are fine - I go up in the plane to see them and they are happy to be alive and fairly unaffected by the experience - although Rich is more affected than Erin.
There is a moment too when we are in the feild and it is completely peaceful and beautiful. It's amazing and there are clouds and sun all around and it just feels like one of the breathtaking moments of peace and beauty with the image of the plane and nature all as one.
In the end - I decide not to sue Tom. And he is thankful because he was afraid I was betraying him. I made it clear that I wouldn't. _____________---
The only thoughts I had were that Erin Hart and Rich Johnson must have something to do with my heart and my money being on the plane. But I'm not sure why or what that's about.
Saw the Passion of the Christ last night and I'm all in knots -- although I should clarify - I was in knots before I left. All worked up about my life and what I'm doing with it and my feelings of doom in terms of being 31 and single and pretending - most of the time to be perfectly ok with it -- but obviously being completely comsumed by it.
So as I wrestle with all of that and try to focus on the real direction of my life and not the possibility of it being derailed by someone else....I am compelled by my feelings and thoughts about religion - on a personal level and on a worldly level.
Essentially - - the movie really makes everyone look bad - Romans, Jews...etc... But it made me think so much. It's so violent but then you think well....like "Saving Private Ryan" you had to see that to understand the horror of war. You almost have to see Jesus turn into a hamburger to understand the magnitude of his suffering and for what —- well it hit me that many many people believe that he did that for us and our sins and that's pretty powerful - if you believe that it certainly makes those images impactful.
You are just bombarded with brutality - and goodness all at the same time. So where does that fit into my life? -- ha! -- feeling so humble. Makes me think about how I am - who I am - how I treat people - why I make assumptions about what people think of me and in the end makes me just want to be a bit more of who I am -- with a little less edge.
Maybe my first realization is that I'm not even sure I spelled that word correctly - "realizations." Can you still have them if you can't spell them right?
SO tonight my realization is nothing - likely - but I'll take a stab anyhow.
Ever since I was a little girl I wished upon a star - cheesy - I KNOW - REALLY - I know. But I do it anyway - and sometimes I trick it - like well this might not be THE FIRST star in the sky but it's the first one I see - so it must count.
SO no matter what I wish. And I believe they come true - I know it...I'm a 31 year old woman who wishes on stars and --- AND tricks 'em.
Most often my wishes are benign - (again with the spelling? it still counts, right?) - something like - I wish I have a great night, "I wish I have fun" or in the morning ---- (sometimes I don't catch the night star so I figure -- still the first one I've seen in a while, it must work) -- I wish we have a great show today or more importantly I wish, that because of something that I do, we have a great show.
Going back, I beleive them. I believe they come true. I think.... and again --- writing this for me and not you - because if I were you I'd think I was crazy...... I beleive there is something out there that hears these wishes and grants them-----however on their own terms.
SO tonight - I did, I had a great night. I wished it before i left and I had a great night.
Sometimes I think on the days I wish I had a great show and the show is mediocre - although I can't think of a time when that was the truth --- I think well, "what the hell was my defination of great anyhow?" I didn't define it so no wonder --- "great," to THEM - just means medicocre, so I'll be more specific next time.
Sometimes my wishes are more specific, "I wish for true love" -- and "ha ha" I think --- when it comes along --- "they got me"...I didn't say MY true love. I didn't say - true love from a man or a mate... I just said TRUE LOVE. So jokes on me.....thanks for the funny guy at the bar who fell in love with me at first site...that's funny --- the freak --- that's HIS true love...not mine. ha ha ha --- ya got me, I'll be more clear mext time.
sleepy
amused
blah
calm