This Tired Book's Journal

I forgot about this thing..... Wow....

What a night...... It was fun and busy and awkward....

who would've thought

I am considering the possibility that it is more than probable my life will end up ending because of suicide.... Not a depressing thought, just another "Goddamnit Imma have it my way" type things

I just reviewed all of my 'latest' entries. I say latest that way because my last 10 entries span about 3 years so its a stretched list of 'latest' entries. My entries need to start improving or I need to make a change.

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

To be wonderful...... To be more human than human
to shed tears rather than splinter shields with stained swords
to fight with his mind that which ails his soul, and all others
to put one before many and none before some
to live selfless and selfish to his causes until they consume him
to have everything in life by having nothing in life
to be a hero.



Me...
I am faulted and critical of myself and others
I am faulted in the sense that I want the best for people and sometimes I go about it wrong
I am vengeful at times and calm, collected and compassionate at others
I am can be gentle or I can be ruthless
I am as fragile as an egg but as rugged as a diamond
I am aspiring to do good but in that I often do bad
I am ashamed when I have wronged and at times too concerned with being right
I am forward and acting in attempting to fix mistakes
I am kind and considerate but also selfish and stubborn
I am human and also not perfect

not that it excuses it, but often when I reflect upon my actions (both good and bad) I like to remind myself that. strictly speaking I am a very capable person at a vast skill set and I say that with no ego, it's just the truth. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, but still I'm just human. Just meet and bone and biological hardware and software (and maybe a soul) just like everybody else. Sometime I just get down on myself for wanting to just be better... better always better, always making improvements. I feel a moral obligation to be the best person now that I am capable of being, and sometimes I can take that good intention and turn it bad. It's a slippery slope and I know my moral compass and ethics will guide me in the right direction but sometimes I still just stress about it. The world deserves a better Ryan Downs.
Metacognition is a bitch

Steve Jobs died today.
I'm shocked too, because never before has somebody so distant in my life actually made an impact so big. Obviously you have computer and the birth of the technological age and ipods and material bullshit too but it's more the mac that I'm talking about. With this man's drive and determination to materialize a dream into reality I can now augment his greatest accomplishment to do precisely the same thing only through a different medium. What I'm talking about is the endless possibilities for the independent film movement. With the advent of the macintosh and editing technologies I can realize my dreams through his realized invention. Not to mention the amount of passion and sheer amount imaginstion this guy has/had is awe-inspiring.
It wasn't too long ago that I became defeated about the daunting task ahead of me. To make something out of nothing, to achieve a personal goal. To make a Film. Or too even make "something" of myself. I felt moved by his words at the stanton graduation speech he gave (time or date I'm not sure of but it was in the past and that is all thats relevant) and it got me thinking too.
Lately I have been working on refining the script of/ and working the pre-production for my second short film, Dawn of the Dudes episode 2: fear of the dark and have hit constant snags in the road towards completion. Nevertheless I have been staying the course and any self doubt has been layed to rest by Nancy, and it is coming along. Right now there are only two things I a fearful of: 1. finding a suitable Tobias character and 2. securing a library to shoot in. As for the rest... well it's taken care of.
I'm not doing storyboards for this short because they were almost pointless last time. Although they did work for setting up shots I have a vision of how this whole short will look and I don't presume I need a storyboard.
Anywho I'm rambling....

Also prepping on my next project I'm going to be starting on writing my feature length screenplay "beater" which is about a group of friends, and road trip, and the legendary end of a dependable legacy and this also excites me.
I could be negative right now and tell you and/or myself how far I am away from realizing these accomplishments but I won't because I'm going to be positive. So far instead of being this ==================================I far away from my current goals, I'm a few steps in the right direction, which is good because every great journey begins with the first steps.

So I've got that going for me right now.

My life is happy other than the frustrations of a birthing artist. So I am content. In love and with much integrity.
fuck yes :-)

It seems that, in the irony on my life, great and joyous days are followed by bad ones. At least lately.
I've let a girl cause a rift in Derek and I's friendship
I've let my inner conflicts break surface.

It seems like all the bad things in my life have culminated on this day.
I've allowed my mood to affect my attitude and because of this Nancy suspects that I have a problem with her family.
I know things probably aren't as bad as they seem but I still feel ashamed.

I feel better about myself lately. Things are out of control, and that's ok. Me and Nancy are in love and that's great. I'm not where I want to be just yet, but with my efforts it gets closer everyday. I think I'm learning the importance of the journey, not just from where i've been to where I'm going but also the unexpected things along the way.

Me and Nancy stayed with Dad and Nancy a few weekends ago, and that was an interesting time. Filled with tubing, star gazing, fishing, drinking sangria, yellow boats, beauty, and family. Dad jumped on my shit on the way home about my choice of direction in life and it got under my skin for about a week. I'm no longer bothered by it and through cause and effect have developed a sense of pride and honor in the path I'm walking.
I'm learning the importance of dignity and patience
Talking about the path is most certainly different from walking it.

This will all build in time to be a reality and I have found somebody who has also found me and we share in the beauties of life, this comforts me.
For a while I felt like a man lost in the woods seeking direction.

MY writing has been trucking along, I've been developing things more personally. I've realized (again) that art cannot be rushed.
This makes me smile.

Just got done watching Downey Jr. in CHAPLIN. First off RDJ did a spot on job playin the TRAMP. That being said, this movie moved me.
I understand Charles Chaplin a lot more now. He always said "if you want to know me watch my movies" and I've done my research. But it is just so movinghow humanisitic this man was. He was a clown in a sad world and despite that he just wanted to make people happy.

It's short and sweet. It's simple. I can Identify with this all the same. I aspire to do exactly the same thing. Maybe I can't save the world but atleast I can remind it when it's down, that life is still plenty beautiful, even with mud on your face.
I suffer the same fate such as his, but I am happy to have opportunity to have it. I'm really glad I finallly sat down and watch it, because I bought it several months ago for $4. needlees to say I took something from this movie profound enough that it will always be with me from this day forward.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just another thing wrong if your life. Til I look at a picture of us and then I know that's not true.