Still, I feel like everything will make sense come '09...
I gave up on something today. Maybe there could have been something... But I'm at a place where I don't want to sacrifice anything of myself. And I definitely do not want to work to fix broken things that aren't my broken things.
Maybe I'm selfish... But I'm young. And I need to take this time to make sure that I get everything in order. 'Less I be caught with my pants down... Which could've been the case.
I'd like to lose the air of sarcasm and cynicism that has been looming over me for weeks... Might make it easier to make personal choices...
Either way... I think I need to make some more time for myself. Seems like everyone needs something from me lately... And I kinda don't want to give anything away right now. Is it okay to be selfish sometimes?
Also... I really hate lying. I have a hard time dealing with people who can't be straight-forward.
Let's just call it a draw. But more or less, I concede only when it's best for me. In the recent instances, I've made some dangerous moves which will hopefully pay off later on.
Probably going to drop CMJ. Not a class that works for me.
I have a radio! But I need to install it... Ideas? I think I need a converting jack or some crap.
I think... The best advice I have right now is... Act respectfully, be honest and stay healthy.
I'm painting a house tomorrow... Some more... Will likely have it done before the snow flies! Woot!
And will probably crash in like two generations time. What is everyone doing to prevent this?
I guess I'm not really doing much... I don't litter. I recycle... But I think the one good thing I do is that I try to remain upbeat about life. When you yourself are happy, people often times find that you come across as a nice person. I could say that I do my best to be a nice person, but I'm pretty sure I would find discord among the masses. It doesn't matter... My mom gave me a book on success. I'll write some quotes down... But the one I'm thinking of in particular states that success is not a goal, it's a path that you walk. Remaining above money, compliments and petty items of the world is the true ideal. Compliments... Really?
I mean... I've always hated when people complimented me growing up. To an extent, I still really find it annoying and unnecessary. I get enough out of doing something to justify doing it without having to be positively reinforced to continue doing the right thing. I don't think that I am this way because I was raised like this. My mother claims that she raised all of us the same. I think I was just different from the time I was born. I have to admit, though, that a lot of things drive me up a wall. I would really like it if people could get along. Palestinians, Israeli, blacks, whites, gays, straights, men, women. Sure, we're all different but that doesn't make us unequal.
Speaking of unequal, I'm taking CMJ 103 and it is the fucking hardest course I have -ever- taken. It's a 100 level course, but the workload is ridiculous. On top of that, the syllabus is online and I've had to bring my computer back to factory settings a total of six times this semester. I've grown tired of downloading everything nine-hundred times. Why are people so lazy that they can't just give me a paper copy? Are we really solely relying on the internet these days? Puke on that. I guess, regardless of my knowing or not, I have class or lab tomorrow (they're at different times, so I might as well just show up at 8 even if I don't have to) and I gotta go. I really should have taken a science course this semester. I am so -bored- that I'm not doing my work on time or skipping classes. I love my major. I just hate that I have to satisfy everyone else's libido for putting college kids into debt and through hours of pain and stress. Seriously, if they gave me a damn diploma right now, I guarentee I could be at the top of my career in ten years. -Ten- years.
Okay. On another note, my mom's house is coming right along. I hope the snow doesn't fly. I still gotta paint all the trim a second coat of green and then the barn and shed... I'll take pictures of it when it's done. It's kinda cute.
Also, I've finally established legal documentation guarenteeing me money that is owed to me. This step was necessary as I've been screwed over in the past and I'm not letting myself be compromised anymore. To that extent, I've also realized that my needs for companionship breech an echelon that most people never even consider when they think about relationships. I've kind of accepted that I probably won't find this save for in one person in the whole world (who I don't know yet) but I'm really okay with that. I love myself enough to make up for someone else's presence. I like living alone and I'm finally again coming to be at peace with things. It's really amazing how much chaos someone's life can accrue when they're with the wrong person.
On another note... I've decided that it's okay if I am not on good terms with some people in my life. The closest people to me in the world have told me to avoid certain people and I know it's for good reason. I guess I need to get over feeling bad when I shut someone down or ignore them. I don't know if this is something I should work on either... But I do have a hard time confronting people and telling them exactly how I feel. Usually, I begin and then I cloister myself after the first couple of sentences. I -hate- being mean to people. It poisons you beyond what you can fathom.
Anyways... MAybe I'll update later. This damn laptop is about to die after being used off charge for a half hour.
Today, I cleaned my car, returned bottles, bought some groceries, and I bought/delivered a tire to my mom since she hit a huge thing that blew out her tires. I also chopped wood and drank some coffee. Then I went to my class a couple minutes late (I always feel bad when that happens). Then I went and chilled with a variety of kids, played soul calibur 4 with a cool kid and kicked his ass! By the way, how cool is a game if you can make a character look like Mary Poppins but she will flip a shit and shank your ass faster than you can say super... Something. Aladocious. Or something. Y'know. That old line.
How cool is that?!?!!? I mean, kinda useless. But people invent weird things sometimes.
So tomorrow, I'm going to spend the majority of the day doing more honest work. Which is good, 'cause I dunno about everyone else, but when I get a cold like I'm getting over now, I have to stay up and active in order to kick it. I've had it for like four days now and I think it'll go away in like three more. Which sucks... But hey, at least I know I'm not contagious anymore. I think.
So for the rest of this evening, I'ma be doing the cleaning thing, eating thing, peacing out thing and enjoying my life as a unit of sympathetic aim to philanthropists and animal lovers. Okay, maybe I just said the last part 'cause the randomness (some call it ADD) kicked in and I have been concentrating on my homework for the past... Something however long.
Hopefully, I'll get some time in with cool kids and hang with some friends though!
I have a cold. It really sucks. On top of that, I'm not interested in competing for anything at this point so everyone can have it all. I just want peace.
I'm giving up on things that aren't worth it and will pursue things which I've wanted to but been unable to up until now. I know some nice chords on guitar and I've made some connections which I had lost previously. All in all, I think I'm way better off for having the balls to finally make a decision in my life. There really is no such thing as right or wrong... It's more dependent on whether or not you do something or not.
So no parties tonight, but that's okay. I have other plans. *nudge-nudge*
Oh, did you hear? I have a little following of stalkers. My phone will fill up with around 500 texts by the end of the day from a variety of different people. Most of 'em want something that I don't offer... I hope they can find what they're looking for?
I'm kinda fevery so I don't know how well I'm typing or how coherent I am. But I kinda just want to find the warm fuzzies I used to have. Not that hard. Just takes some time.
1.) Everyone annoys the fuck out of me. 2.) Homework is impossibly hard. 3.) There isn't enough time. 4.) There is too much time. 5.) My computer is a piece of shit. 6.) I just want to be alone. 7.) I want to run away. 8.) I want to smoke cigarettes. 9.) I don't want to do anything. 10.) I want to do it all. 11.) I want more things to do. 12.) I want less things to do.
Essentially, I get too much or too little of everything and never the right amount of anything.
I hope I made the right decision. If not, then I'll live to regret it. The best I can do is move forward. I've just reached a point where I can't withstand much b/s without feeling like I'm going to crack!
So I'll focus on other things. lol. Like finding time to sleep, study, or eat. By the way, I'm broke. But I'm still eating pretty okay.
I'm a little dizzy from the ride I've been on too. Maybe that's why I'm so confused. Either way, at least I can take some time to figure out how I really feel about my life.
I kinda officially liberated a repressed aspect of myself. I just need to watch out since over-indulgence is never a good thing. I guess some parts of me will never grow up.
Here's to being ridiculous for the rest of the day. I hope I get to sleep!!!
So Ive missed more class than I should have this week. What's cool is that I'm savvy enough to still know what's going on to be okay with homework and quizzes. So I'm not really behind.
So where's my money? :-(
And my car?
My wrist is healing. Yaaaay.
And lots of random things are occuring.
If y'all are reading this, please make with the finger crossing and hope that I get my car back!!!
cheerful
okay
accomplished
sick