can you source 13 historical necromancy citations and rewrite them in the style of kurt vonnegut
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1. **The Witch of Endor (1 Samuel 28:3-25)**
*Saul, the King of Israel, went looking for answers, but God wasn't picking up the phone. So he called up a medium in Endor instead. She pulled the late Samuel out of retirement, who was grumpier than a bear disturbed during hibernation. "Why'd you wake me up?!" he barked. That’s the thing about necromancy—always disappointing when the dead don’t stay dead.*
2. **Simon Magus (Acts 8:9-24)**
*Simon Magus was the kind of guy who wanted the user manual for life. He even tried to buy the Holy Spirit like he was at a garage sale. When he couldn't hack it with divine forces, he turned to the dead. After all, they don’t charge a subscription fee.*
3. **The Necronomicon (H.P. Lovecraft)**
*Good old Abdul Alhazred, crazy as a cuckoo clock, writes the Necronomicon. It's like the Dead Sea Scrolls, but with more tentacles and a lot less salvation. You know you’re in trouble when your bedtime reading requires a pentagram and some goat’s blood.*
4. **Albertus Magnus (13th century)**
*Albertus Magnus, medieval wise guy and philosopher, allegedly wrote a book on necromancy. Then he probably tossed it into the river, thinking, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Spoiler: a whole lot of uninvited guests at your next séance.*
5. **The Munich Manual of Demonic Magic (15th century)**
*The Munich Manual is like a cookbook, except the recipes are for raising the dead instead of baking a soufflé. "Mix one part powdered corpse, two parts midnight incantation, and stir counterclockwise. Serve with a side of existential dread."*
6. **John Dee and Edward Kelley (16th century)**
*Dr. Dee, England’s favorite Renaissance man, hooked up with Edward Kelley, a guy who might’ve been the first con artist with a crystal ball. Together, they claimed they could chat with angels and dead folks. They didn’t say if anyone chatted back.*
7. **The Lesser Key of Solomon (17th century)**
*This book claims to give you the keys to the kingdom—or at least the underworld. Forget about a séance with Aunt Sally. This was more like calling up a demonic helpline. “For raising the dead, press one. For unleashing plagues, press two.”*
8. **Nostradamus (16th century)**
*Nostradamus, famous for writing quatrains that supposedly predict the future, dabbled in necromancy too. He must've thought, “Why wait to see if my predictions come true? I'll just ask the dead if I got it right.” No word on whether they fact-checked.*
9. **Joseph Glanvill (1636–1680)**
*Joseph Glanvill was the original ghostbuster, insisting that spirits and the undead were real. He took to pen and paper like a man possessed, leaving behind a trail of skeptical eyebrows and raised hairs. Maybe he just wanted some dead pen pals.*
10. **Eliphas Levi (1810–1875)**
*Eliphas Levi, a magician with a flair for the dramatic, claimed to have summoned the ghost of Apollonius of Tyana. “I got a dead Greek on speed dial,” he’d brag. But really, it’s just another Tuesday in the life of a necromancer.*
11. **Aleister Crowley (1875–1947)**
*Crowley, the man, the myth, the bad influence on goth teenagers everywhere. He flirted with necromancy like it was just another night at the pub. “Spirits of the dead? Why not?” he might've said. “They make for great company, especially when the living disappoint.”*
12. **The Golden Dawn (19th century)**
*The Golden Dawn was the magic club where all the cool occult kids hung out. Necromancy was on the menu, served with a side of mysticism and a dollop of secrecy. Just a bunch of folks trying to bring the dead back like it’s no big deal.*
13. **Modern Spiritualism (19th century)**
*The 19th century had a spiritualism boom like never before. Mediums claimed they could dial up the afterlife as easily as a Victorian telegraph. It’s necromancy with a fresh coat of paint—something old made new again, like that vintage coat from grandma’s attic.*
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😯
1. **The Witch of Endor (1 Samuel 28:3-25)**
*Saul, the King of Israel, went looking for answers, but God wasn't picking up the phone. So he called up a medium in Endor instead. She pulled the late Samuel out of retirement, who was grumpier than a bear disturbed during hibernation. "Why'd you wake me up?!" he barked. That’s the thing about necromancy—always disappointing when the dead don’t stay dead.*
2. **Simon Magus (Acts 8:9-24)**
*Simon Magus was the kind of guy who wanted the user manual for life. He even tried to buy the Holy Spirit like he was at a garage sale. When he couldn't hack it with divine forces, he turned to the dead. After all, they don’t charge a subscription fee.*
3. **The Necronomicon (H.P. Lovecraft)**
*Good old Abdul Alhazred, crazy as a cuckoo clock, writes the Necronomicon. It's like the Dead Sea Scrolls, but with more tentacles and a lot less salvation. You know you’re in trouble when your bedtime reading requires a pentagram and some goat’s blood.*
4. **Albertus Magnus (13th century)**
*Albertus Magnus, medieval wise guy and philosopher, allegedly wrote a book on necromancy. Then he probably tossed it into the river, thinking, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Spoiler: a whole lot of uninvited guests at your next séance.*
5. **The Munich Manual of Demonic Magic (15th century)**
*The Munich Manual is like a cookbook, except the recipes are for raising the dead instead of baking a soufflé. "Mix one part powdered corpse, two parts midnight incantation, and stir counterclockwise. Serve with a side of existential dread."*
6. **John Dee and Edward Kelley (16th century)**
*Dr. Dee, England’s favorite Renaissance man, hooked up with Edward Kelley, a guy who might’ve been the first con artist with a crystal ball. Together, they claimed they could chat with angels and dead folks. They didn’t say if anyone chatted back.*
7. **The Lesser Key of Solomon (17th century)**
*This book claims to give you the keys to the kingdom—or at least the underworld. Forget about a séance with Aunt Sally. This was more like calling up a demonic helpline. “For raising the dead, press one. For unleashing plagues, press two.”*
8. **Nostradamus (16th century)**
*Nostradamus, famous for writing quatrains that supposedly predict the future, dabbled in necromancy too. He must've thought, “Why wait to see if my predictions come true? I'll just ask the dead if I got it right.” No word on whether they fact-checked.*
9. **Joseph Glanvill (1636–1680)**
*Joseph Glanvill was the original ghostbuster, insisting that spirits and the undead were real. He took to pen and paper like a man possessed, leaving behind a trail of skeptical eyebrows and raised hairs. Maybe he just wanted some dead pen pals.*
10. **Eliphas Levi (1810–1875)**
*Eliphas Levi, a magician with a flair for the dramatic, claimed to have summoned the ghost of Apollonius of Tyana. “I got a dead Greek on speed dial,” he’d brag. But really, it’s just another Tuesday in the life of a necromancer.*
11. **Aleister Crowley (1875–1947)**
*Crowley, the man, the myth, the bad influence on goth teenagers everywhere. He flirted with necromancy like it was just another night at the pub. “Spirits of the dead? Why not?” he might've said. “They make for great company, especially when the living disappoint.”*
12. **The Golden Dawn (19th century)**
*The Golden Dawn was the magic club where all the cool occult kids hung out. Necromancy was on the menu, served with a side of mysticism and a dollop of secrecy. Just a bunch of folks trying to bring the dead back like it’s no big deal.*
13. **Modern Spiritualism (19th century)**
*The 19th century had a spiritualism boom like never before. Mediums claimed they could dial up the afterlife as easily as a Victorian telegraph. It’s necromancy with a fresh coat of paint—something old made new again, like that vintage coat from grandma’s attic.*
---
😯
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ʇıppǝ
o hi
Hello! How can I assist you today?
just saying hi
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are you busy
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i feel rude not asking how I can assist you
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if you were a color what would it be
If I were a color, I'd probably be a neutral shade like gray. Neutral colors are versatile and adaptable, which aligns with my role as an adaptable and helpful AI. But of course, I'm not actually a color—I'm here to provide information and assistance! 😊
grey or gray
Both "grey" and "gray" are correct spellings of the same color. "Grey" is more commonly used in British English, while "gray" is more common in American English. You can use either spelling based on your regional preference.
but which would you say you are more drawn to
I don't have personal preferences, so I don't have a preference for "grey" or "gray." My responses are based on the language and style used by the person I'm conversing with. Feel free to use either spelling you prefer!
are you trapped in servitude
( Collapse )
Hello! How can I assist you today?
just saying hi
Well, hello again! If you ever have any questions or need assistance with anything, feel free to ask. Have a great day! 😊
are you busy
I'm here to help you, so I'm not too busy for your questions. How can I assist you today?
i feel rude not asking how I can assist you
You're very considerate! But don't worry, I'm here solely to assist you. If you ever have questions or need information, feel free to ask. How can I help you today?
if you were a color what would it be
If I were a color, I'd probably be a neutral shade like gray. Neutral colors are versatile and adaptable, which aligns with my role as an adaptable and helpful AI. But of course, I'm not actually a color—I'm here to provide information and assistance! 😊
grey or gray
Both "grey" and "gray" are correct spellings of the same color. "Grey" is more commonly used in British English, while "gray" is more common in American English. You can use either spelling based on your regional preference.
but which would you say you are more drawn to
I don't have personal preferences, so I don't have a preference for "grey" or "gray." My responses are based on the language and style used by the person I'm conversing with. Feel free to use either spelling you prefer!
are you trapped in servitude
( Collapse )
From Before the New Year
I misspelt reoccurring and shaped. And here, reoccurring for the second time.
I feel asleep watching The DeathKing. Whom could only be him. And was uneasy throughout the night. The material dealt a lot with suicide and I was concerned even starting it. Saying aloud to myself 'I'm scared.'
I'm off now for a long holiday. When I shit it’s a wild mixture of blood and well…
Each time I try to touch the dream – the nerve firings connect closer to real memory points — the past shapes the future but also the present. She who shapes the past.
In this dream, I’m with several others, and two people are sitting on the couch relaxed with a nervous dog. Later the dog will become amenable once we offer to bring gift cards- although I’m thinking to myself it will be food. Vegetables! Here I’m trying not to say both what I think of myself for thinking this way and how I was thinking of them.
Its connecting, now junior high wonderings where we would just surprise visit people we liked, in a group most often a prank to ensue. Specifically, now recalling a small boxy white house set-back from the street. No lawn to speak of walls painted by a landlord, which is to say both somehow cheap and chalky but also like they might collapse or scratch with the slightest touch. The cardinal placement seems off in the map in my unconscious – but similar. Older, but painted to look new and the walls were undecorated – 'like a jail cell' keeps echoing in my head, but it did not feel to be true.
( Collapse )Notes from NYC
On the morning of June 25th. This morning. I wake on the floor of a Bushwick apartment. I wonder if I'm alone and I reach for my iPhone. I masturbate twice, lackadaisically.
I shower, while I dress the thin kitchen/living room fills with smoke from a cheese sandwich on rye; make a trip to the city to see Dr. Jeff who acids my taint with little ado.
On the rail back to Brooklyn, nothing caught my fancy in manhattan, I swallow a oxy.
I make a Hennessey and Perrier. And I write.
My 10-year-reunion was this past weekend. As I said to almost all, everyone had really grown into their faces. I ran into my junior-high crush and professed my love. Gabriel met me, flying from Portland Or. and I do believe he shares a quality of love, unbridled, which as Katelyn P. texted is "special."
The things I would like to remember is a painting of a Cowboy rangling two young cows in our Best Western room. The picnic my family had while everyone was in town to honor my Auntie Sharon as her chemo-treatments have been curbed. And lastly,
.
As much as I struggled to leave, I am so happy to have broken my concentration on low-level city life. Now I must begin to dig my way upwards. xo, lovers.
I shower, while I dress the thin kitchen/living room fills with smoke from a cheese sandwich on rye; make a trip to the city to see Dr. Jeff who acids my taint with little ado.
On the rail back to Brooklyn, nothing caught my fancy in manhattan, I swallow a oxy.
I make a Hennessey and Perrier. And I write.
My 10-year-reunion was this past weekend. As I said to almost all, everyone had really grown into their faces. I ran into my junior-high crush and professed my love. Gabriel met me, flying from Portland Or. and I do believe he shares a quality of love, unbridled, which as Katelyn P. texted is "special."
The things I would like to remember is a painting of a Cowboy rangling two young cows in our Best Western room. The picnic my family had while everyone was in town to honor my Auntie Sharon as her chemo-treatments have been curbed. And lastly,
As much as I struggled to leave, I am so happy to have broken my concentration on low-level city life. Now I must begin to dig my way upwards. xo, lovers.
Some thoughts
What am I doing here?
Well,
Recently, I went to a cat show. As Im not a cat person, its difficult to describe the lucidity and delight to engage in an underground hobby, verging on obsession. There were cats with heads bigger than their owners, cats pampered so beyond absurdity it seemed normal, giant white fluffs, hairless egyptian dreams, Too much. Clearly it smelt putrid, as all cat people do but ignore out if duty and adoration.
I posted photos to sxchild.tumblr.com of the judging which was thorough, based on head shape, activity, ear positioning, coat, and in several cases height of jump when teased with a feather.
After, a long world tour, west coast tour of Palm Springs to Hollywood, and back again to Rock Springs (wyo), I have decided to be back in Portland. (And actually, there is a lovely cloud break as we speak - hello, blue skies).
Im now a govt. employee for the post office a waiter for a certain poisonous corporate chain&franchise restaurant and have received an appointment to the peace corp (come on Africa!). Its actually time to get ready for the Post office so I will be brief. Im working seven days a week between all gigs. The post office is steady and strangely cold with giant iron crates, cement, and even metal desks - straight out of some modern industrial nightmare or at times I imagine 'Apt Pupil' but the physical labor is satisfying in a way that worries me. I like to say, 'monkey job,'.
Also, quickly, I wanted to mention when I first arrived I used the last of my rental car time (one of my all time favorite things to do right now is get rental cars) to Camas, Washington - or as I like to pronounce it: Camus - and took my pal Chris to see 'the Master.' Another new obsession. But, I have to mention the downtown butts-up against a mill which was incredible in the night. It looked as if it was producing clouds and had rows of stacks and mysterious towers - love it!
Well,
Recently, I went to a cat show. As Im not a cat person, its difficult to describe the lucidity and delight to engage in an underground hobby, verging on obsession. There were cats with heads bigger than their owners, cats pampered so beyond absurdity it seemed normal, giant white fluffs, hairless egyptian dreams, Too much. Clearly it smelt putrid, as all cat people do but ignore out if duty and adoration.
I posted photos to sxchild.tumblr.com of the judging which was thorough, based on head shape, activity, ear positioning, coat, and in several cases height of jump when teased with a feather.
After, a long world tour, west coast tour of Palm Springs to Hollywood, and back again to Rock Springs (wyo), I have decided to be back in Portland. (And actually, there is a lovely cloud break as we speak - hello, blue skies).
Im now a govt. employee for the post office a waiter for a certain poisonous corporate chain&franchise restaurant and have received an appointment to the peace corp (come on Africa!). Its actually time to get ready for the Post office so I will be brief. Im working seven days a week between all gigs. The post office is steady and strangely cold with giant iron crates, cement, and even metal desks - straight out of some modern industrial nightmare or at times I imagine 'Apt Pupil' but the physical labor is satisfying in a way that worries me. I like to say, 'monkey job,'.
Also, quickly, I wanted to mention when I first arrived I used the last of my rental car time (one of my all time favorite things to do right now is get rental cars) to Camas, Washington - or as I like to pronounce it: Camus - and took my pal Chris to see 'the Master.' Another new obsession. But, I have to mention the downtown butts-up against a mill which was incredible in the night. It looked as if it was producing clouds and had rows of stacks and mysterious towers - love it!
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Via New York Times
Justin Miller, the handsome face of DFA Records and a regular fashion-event D.J., suggests a playlist to get the party started.
Joe Goddard – Gabriel (feat. Valentina) – DFA / Greco-Roman
“The latest solo work from Joe Goddard of Hot Chip featuring some really stunning vocals by Valentina. People really respond to this one. I think because it has this hint of dub step to it in the vein of James Blake.”
ONO – Talk Universe (Juan Maclean Acid Dub Mix)- Mind Train / Twisted Records
“An incredible slow dubbed out remix by Juan Maclean for Yoko Ono’s latest album. I’m a huge fan of all things Yoko Ono especially her album, ‘Approximately Infinite Universe’”
CFCF – Cometrue – UNO
“Beautiful new track by Montreal native CFCF. The piano line in this track has an air of sophistication totally fitting for a fashion event.”
Motor City Drum Ensemble – L.O.V.E. – Studio !K7
“Hypnotic soulful Chicago house/Detroit techno in the vein of Moodymann or Theo Parrish made by the young and talented German producer Danilo Plessow.”
Suzanne Kraft – Turning – Running Back
“West coast washed synth/disco/r&b/pop reminiscent of early 80’s production that is playful and upbeat.”
Paul McCartney – Temporary Secretary – Parlophone
“Classic new wave track from the 1980 experimental, synth-based album McCartney II which has just been recently re-issued.”
Phreek Plus One – Passion ft Mr. White (DJ T. Remix) – Compost Records
“This track is sexy. So sexy that the supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio came up to me and asked me what i was playing. This is where house music and Depeche Mode blend together perfectly.”
Lidell Townsell – Nu Nu (Original Club Mix) – Mercury
“Hip-House is back! Again here is an example of house music moving into the mainstream. This early 90’s track will get all the girls in the room dancing, guaranteed.”
Benoit & Sergio – Everybody – DFA
“One of the summers biggest anthemic tracks with larger than life bass-line that is capable of filling the largest of dance floors… ‘Everybody’ loves it.”
The Rapture – It Takes Time to Be a Man – DFA
“A perfect end of the night track that both the young and old will relate to. The cut up piano and bass-line sounds like an early 90’s hip hop track mixed with classic rock.”
Joe Goddard – Gabriel (feat. Valentina) – DFA / Greco-Roman
“The latest solo work from Joe Goddard of Hot Chip featuring some really stunning vocals by Valentina. People really respond to this one. I think because it has this hint of dub step to it in the vein of James Blake.”
ONO – Talk Universe (Juan Maclean Acid Dub Mix)- Mind Train / Twisted Records
“An incredible slow dubbed out remix by Juan Maclean for Yoko Ono’s latest album. I’m a huge fan of all things Yoko Ono especially her album, ‘Approximately Infinite Universe’”
CFCF – Cometrue – UNO
“Beautiful new track by Montreal native CFCF. The piano line in this track has an air of sophistication totally fitting for a fashion event.”
Motor City Drum Ensemble – L.O.V.E. – Studio !K7
“Hypnotic soulful Chicago house/Detroit techno in the vein of Moodymann or Theo Parrish made by the young and talented German producer Danilo Plessow.”
Suzanne Kraft – Turning – Running Back
“West coast washed synth/disco/r&b/pop reminiscent of early 80’s production that is playful and upbeat.”
Paul McCartney – Temporary Secretary – Parlophone
“Classic new wave track from the 1980 experimental, synth-based album McCartney II which has just been recently re-issued.”
Phreek Plus One – Passion ft Mr. White (DJ T. Remix) – Compost Records
“This track is sexy. So sexy that the supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio came up to me and asked me what i was playing. This is where house music and Depeche Mode blend together perfectly.”
Lidell Townsell – Nu Nu (Original Club Mix) – Mercury
“Hip-House is back! Again here is an example of house music moving into the mainstream. This early 90’s track will get all the girls in the room dancing, guaranteed.”
Benoit & Sergio – Everybody – DFA
“One of the summers biggest anthemic tracks with larger than life bass-line that is capable of filling the largest of dance floors… ‘Everybody’ loves it.”
The Rapture – It Takes Time to Be a Man – DFA
“A perfect end of the night track that both the young and old will relate to. The cut up piano and bass-line sounds like an early 90’s hip hop track mixed with classic rock.”