Every time I think I'm healing, something will trigger me and I am instantly outraged. These moments are fewer and farther between, now, though. Healing is a process. I can't wait until this time of my life is just a distant, unpleasant memory I reflect on from time to time to ensure I don't repeat the same mistake. I can't wait until hating you is more effort than I'm willing to put forth. I will never, ever forgive you for the way you've treated me.
I applied to a nurse residency position at Good Samaritan ER this morning. I'm really hoping to get an interview, as I know a nurse tech who connected me with the supervisor (who also happens to be her long-time boyfriend's cousin, whoo!) and gave me her personal work email to send my resume/cover letter. I know very little about the position, but I'm hoping to make at least $25-$29/hour, at .9 or 1.0 FTE. Money, money, mo-ney! Although, frankly, I'm desperate enough I'll take any job that pays more than my current job. The position start date is September 9th, which is PER-FECT for getting through the wedding, a brief honeymoon and a little rest-up period before the next adventure starts. I'm so ready for my next adventure :)
It's an instant-coffee-at-midnight kind of night. I remain surprised by my lack of freaking out, despite the fact that finals are HERE, ready or not. I'm sure, three hours from now, when I still have x number of pharm drugs to know for my 8 am quiz and x number of unread textbook chapters for my 10 am final, I'll feel differently. Obviously, coffee is the answer. And maybe a quick shower. Followed by a pot of caffeinated tea.
Dude. In three days, I'm going to be qualified to sit for my boards. Craaaazy. I can't wait to get to that point >.<
While I remain an awkward, uncomfortable, generally-challenge test taker, I'm pleased by my ability to critically-think my way out of some of the questions I would otherwise have trouble with. It's neat to see how much you've grown in such a short period of time. I keep thinking about all of the things I hope to pass on to the next group of incoming APNI students--but maybe I need to focus a liiiiittle bit more on the tasks at hand, so I don't end up a PART of that group! Zoinks.
I can't wait for the time in which I don't feel incompetent every day--my life would be so much easier if I were a good test taker. Sweet Baby Jesus, let me survive the next week with an ounce of dignity and adequate grades. Without eating us out of house and home in the process. ...a couple hours of sleep here and there would be really great as well.
So, I come to write my first update in ages, and I'm immediately prompted to restore an old, un-posted piece, which is the following:
"It's four o'clock in the morning. Obviously the answer to this issue is to open a bottle of wine.
I've picked up the awful habit of staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning, and sleeping until noon or 1 in the afternoon. Three problems with this: 1) Growed up people with lives don't do this, indicating I'm either not growed up, or don't have a life ;), 2) I am doing nothing.productive. with this time; I sit and play sims, bake holiday treats, or eat the treats I baked. I think I've packed on 5 pounds from macaroons alone. Mmmm... 3) I'm sleeping LESS on break than I did when I was in class (for the most part)! Isn't a deliciously long break supposed to be full of sleep and doing nothing? I feel like I spend my whole life in front of this blasted computer. I wish I had the courage to just detach myself from it."
Apparently 6 months has done nothing to minimize my bad habits--I'm still staying up ridiculously late, doing nothing productive whilst shoveling anything and everything into my mouth, and sleeping an insufficient number of hours a night. The end of my first year of grad school has galvanized my courage and I've "detached" myself from Netflix and Facebook (meaning I made Crystal change the password and promise not to tell me unless I've completed an adequate amount of studying). Thus, here I am, attempting to quench my overwhelming need to CONNECT with other people via technology.
T_T studying for finals makes my head want to explode--specifically my epi final. Oh my GOD I don't CARE about finding the proportion of the total incidence of CHD in smokers that's attributable to smoking! This shit is boggling.my.mind. Probably would have helped if the professor had made effort to actually teach the "mathy" stuff. Uuuugggghhhhh. I thought I'd left statistics BEHIND!
I've had a tumultuous relationship with sleep my entire adult life. I don't recall having issues falling asleep when I was younger, or even in high school, besides the occasional sleepless night from playing endless hours of Sims 2--but what self-respecting teenage nerd-chick doesn't? I had regular night-terrors, but didn't consciously find my quality of sleep, or amount of sleep, to be lacking.
I am always tired. I had my thyroid levels checked about five years ago, but everything was fine. My exhaustion stems from an inability to lay quietly and invite sleep into my body. My mind races over the millions of things I haven't done/should've done/need to do tomorrow, so I developed the annoying habit of getting back up if I can't fall asleep in about 5, maybe 10 minutes. My differential diagnosis stems from three primary contributing factors: 1)lack of daily physical exercise rigorous enough to burn excess energy, 2)lack of self-control in ensuring I stay in bed for a reasonable period of time to allow my mind and body time to relax and enter a state conducive to sleep, and 3)poor time management during regular "awake" hours so I feel I can go to bed guilt-free of the shoulda-woulda-coulda's. As a product of this, I function regularly on 2-6 hours of sleep. I've gotten slightly better lately, but I had been taking a 5 mg melatonin--a hormone our body secretes naturally to induce sleep--to ensure I get a full 8+ hours a night. However, they leave me mildly groggy for the majority of the day, causing much the same effect as the original sleep deprivation. Crystal, knowing of my dependency on sleep aids previously in college, was not impressed with this regular practice. After an argument about it (and the anti-depressant I'm currently taking for which insomnia is a side effect; a major contributing factor I proooobably should've included above. Meh.), I haven't taken one since. Not that she said I couldn't, but I recognize the practice to be a byproduct of my reluctant sleep schedule, perhaps better modified by other lifestyle changes. I suppose I should probably mention the copious amounts of diet pepsi I drink daily as well. It's such a ridiculously expensive habit, so I'm trying really hard not to buy any more cases from the store. I end up drink 5-6 cans a day, or more sometimes. Not good for your teeth, not good for your health... ya know. I gave up drinking coffee when I started my medication, knowing insomnia was a common side effect, which resulted in regular mild-headaches (I've noticed a resurgence of these since drastically cutting back on diet pepsi as well).
Currently, I've been up for 36 hours, due to today being Black Friday and my intense need to SHOPSHOPSHOPSHOPSHOP. I'm exhausted in every way. But instead of coming home and resting/sleeping like my oh-so-wise better half, suddenly deep cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the whole apartment and cleaning the stove was VITALANDIHAVETODOITNOOOOOW. Even now, sitting quietly in the living room alone, I feel my inner, horrible voice calling to watchnetflixreadabookstudyforfinals?nah...readabooksurfthenetreadabook! Anything but sleep.
Stupid inner voice.
I promise a happy update soon. I don't want this to simply be an outlet for negativity. I am blessed, and gorrammit, at least I have a bed in which I can not-sleep in, right?
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Fell in love with a beautiful woman. Graduated college. Be unemployed for an extended period of time with absolutely nothing constructive to do with my time. Tried and succeeded, even though it was horribly difficult. Found a goal and direction, more or less.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I always, without fail, vow to lose x amount of weight. Every year, I fail miserably. I continue the trend this year, of course.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Katie Parrott, though I wouldn't call us "close".
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, though both Rachel and Amity's father's passed away in more-or-less 2009.
5. What countries did you visit? Amerrika.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Patience. Self-control. Marriage?
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 12/10/09, Crystal and I's first year together. Just for what it symbolizes for both of us. College graduation, whenever that was. Sometime in May... har har har
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Fighting for the love I believe so much in. Graduating. College was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. Getting off anti-depressants and staying off of them.
9. What was your biggest failure? A failure of self, several times.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing of any serious consequence.
11. What were the best things you bought? Nothing comes to mind.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Sam and Crystal's for their personal triumphs
13. Whose behaviour appalled you? A select few who make, and continue to make, rotten choices for themselves.
14. Where did most of your money go? Food. Of course.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Crystal. The various jobs I've worked. Graduating. Finding a life direction and crossing the first obstacle off the long list.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Anything by Celine Dion, The Promise by Tracy Chapman
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? happier ii. thinner or fatter? Ugh. About the same, I think. iii. richer or poorer? Still poor, but with good prospects in the coming months!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? exercise. listening. homework.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? fast food >.<
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Eve with the my parents, out the Lieu's for dinner, church, then home to wait for my sister and her fiancee to come over and open presents. Day with the extended family at my Grandparents, ending at Crystal's :)
22. Did you fall in love in 2009? Oh yes, indeed.
23. How many one-night stands? zilch.
24. What was your favorite TV program? Futurama, Family Guy, Flashforward, House
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Not that I recall. I don't hate Bud, I just despise him, and pity him.
26. What was the best book you read? Tough question. I can't recall.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Sugarland
28. What did you want and get? A future. Hope.
29. What did you want and not get? Marriage and money. What a pathetic statement...
30. What was your favourite film of this year? Star Trek and Up :)
31. What did you do on your birthday? I had to work the bar, but Crystal came to visit me and we had Thai beforehand. It was a fun night.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having to stand my ass out on a freezing corner to fight for my right to be domestically partnered :/
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Increasingly dyke-ish. Gaining weight = girlie cloths don't fit right.
34. What kept you sane? My love.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Meh.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay rights, of course. Healthcare.
37. Who did you miss? Old friends.
38. Who was the best new person you met? The Schuler family. I adore them.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Sometimes, you don't have it figured out. And that's alright.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Is this what you wanted? 'Cause I'm willing to change. Now that I'm certain, that there's much more to gain. You've introduced me to the moment oh but I'm looking to stay for good. You asked me to stay forever. Well, you know that I would, I would do anything." --Mae "Giving it Away"
angry
hopeful
listless
depressed
contemplative