zuzu

event horizon.

i'm so sorry and i wish you could go back.

aaaannd I'm wiped out. And sneezing all the time.

My roommate is currently moving a fridge/microwave, futon, and second small ikea style dresser into our room, and I just sort of vaguely found out she is extremely wealthy. Like, travel the world for the hell of it on every vacation wealthy. My clothes are all from anthropologie wealthy.

Interesting!

And by get along I mean we work well but aren't off the bat best friends. I just found out she will probably be gone every friday saturday and sunday. More interesting. (That means people should come visit me all the time, stay the weekend!)

I wish I had a bookshelf! I needa hunt out someone in my building that doesn't want theirs.

MY ROOMMATE AND I GET ALONG SO WELL.

I'm having a stupid morning.

I got into the shower today, washed my hair, and noticed an earring back on the floor of the tub. I felt my ear. No earring on the right side! Must've gone down the drain. They were my favorite pair, redish amberish studs I got from TradeWinds. I stop my shower, get a screwdriver, and open the drain. WICKED NASTY. Like, most gross thing I have done in a very very long time.

No earring. Sigh.

I go to my room to check my phone for absolutely no reason, and the earring is sitting on my pillow. Woo.

But now I have what looks like flea bites all up my right arm. I hope that is not from the gross drain. Ew ew ew.

At least I got my earring back?

And my dad didn't even know that man said that, but "You have to grow and come to realize your mortality in this life. We're all like flowers. We wont be here forever."

Ted Kennedy died last night. He had a brain tumor. (My dad has a brain thing, too.)

I know that a lot of my friends don't like my dad so much but he really has good things to say.

Thinking back I can hardly remember any of them.

I wish I knew better.

"you know hun, i'm in my nineties. i'm going to get you my favorite flowers. i'm nice to everyone, hun, because you only come this way once."

Things to do:

call south hampton about ticket
call doctor
finish sewing (also make more pads)
fix car again
order books
laundry
get winter things from attic
chill the fuck out
paint doors downstairs
pack
go to school
chill the fuck out.



Also the downstairs of my house flooded again.

So I told my parents I want to go to a school with a community that I love.


One hundred percent shot down--

School isn't for making friends or being part of a community. School is for studying your butt off. You make friends if you have the time, but its not about having fun or socializing. Good luck finding a school that has a community. School isn't a replacement for church. You wont find what you're looking for. Its just four years. It doesn't matter where you go to college, its all the same.


Why is all the advice I get from older people about college so fucking discouraging? It honestly feels worse that when my guidance counselor told me that if i wanted to do environmental science, then i better find a school near a lot of trees because boston wont have enough for me to hug.

Fuck everyone. I really want to go to a small school with a welcoming community. Fuck thirteen thousand undergrads. UVM is nice but its fucking lonely as hell.

"what the fuck is with your entire life? i'm so sorry and i wish i could stop it."

I've had a surprising amount of stuff going on lately. I only really noticed in my soul gushing to Lau an hour or so ago. I started a real paper journal a few weeks ago and immediately left it in New York with Angela. She will return it, of course, but I was beginning to fall into the swing of things again. I guess that's why I'm back here.

Lately I've felt like cutting off all my hair. I'm tired of it. I'm not sure when, though if I see Ally soon...then. She's like sunshine and fog and dust. I mean that in the best way.

I'm imagining how liberating it will feel to chop off my hair, one fell swoop in a ponytail. And how strange and how I'll immediately regret it but come to love short hair eventually. Uncertainty and Indecision. I'll need more bandannas and hair things, I suppose.

I've had a surprising amount of stuff going on lately and I'd really just enjoy a day off. From everything. Thursday will be nice. I have so many books to read. I don't read so much anymore; time to begin again.

Every time I used a semicolon I wonder if it was a proper use of the semicolon.

I'm imagining how school will feel in the fall, like new and like I'm ready to learn and to not be the emily who is too afraid to speak. I am out of my skin. Or comfortable in it, finally.

I, I, I. Every entry.

How should I cut my hair?