There's blood in my mouth from biting my tounge all week

I am so frustrated today...  This whole "traditional marriage day" IS KILLING ME.  It's like, Jeez, do you really need a whole entire day just to point out your distaste or hate for other people?  Isn't every day of the god damned year traditional marriage day?  Wouldn't it be the same if we made oh say, July 1st "white people day."  People would have a shit fit, but it's the same thing!  Going out of your way to make a point that you think you are better than another group of people... it makes me sick.  Literally!  I cannot believe this is the country we live in.  I am so ashamed sometimes of what we have become.

And GOD. God is an excuse for everything.  Everything is God's name must be good, right?  Yeah, ask a terrorist about how things done in Gods name is okay.  But Not YOUR GOD> JUst mine!  It's so much bullshit and I am so sick of it.

And I miss WIlliam.  He's not speaking to me again and I don't know why, but it hurts.  He is really the only person in this world who just.. gets me.  I need him so badly and it sucks because he comes and goes with the wind.

And I'm homesick again.  I don't know if it's actually because I miss Michigan or if I'm just sick of Tennessee.  It's so lovely here in so many ways but I am so lonely! I have no friends here, I have nothing to do but be Collin's woman and the boys mother.  Which is great, don't get me wrong, but It would be nice to have some adult interaction.,, girls nights, morning coffee dates, anything.  I miss my friends so much.

And my mother is sick.  Really sick this time.  Scary sick.  And i'm not there for her, and I don't know what to do for her from so far away.  If I lose her I don't think I will be able to take it.  My heart is not strong enough for that,

I don't really have anything else to say. I am just...  here.

And I've never been good at relationships.  Ever.  Which is strange, considering I have never NOT been in one.  I'm a serial monogamist. I cannot recall being single one day in my life, and yet I've hated most of it.  I just am a very hard person to be in a relationship with I think.
I mean, I try!  I try so hard to be kind, and giving, and understanding, and patient.  I don't think my expectations are all that high, even. Don't lie to me, Don't cheat on me, Don't hit me, earn your keep.  And yet it seems as if every guy I have ever been with has been guilty of most, if not all of these things.  And usually, I just leave.  I have never had a problem taking off and not looking back.  It's who I am, it's in my blood. (Run baby, run baby, run.) But this time, this time, I am solidified in my efforts to make this a lasting love.  I have put up with so much from him,.. More than I have, or ever would, from any other man.  And it's like, It almost makes me fight HARDER to stay.  I don't know what it is about this boy, I really don't.  He's put me through Hell and back again and I just love and love and love him, harder and harder every day.
I don't know where we are headed or where the future is leading us, but you can be assured I will be by his side, loving and hating him, supporting him and defending him, even when I know he is wrong. I just love him.  Unconditionally. And always,

"He is exactly the poem I wanted to write" -Mary Oliver

I had a dream about you once
i could barely see your form
and i met you between the wax and the needle
in the words of my favorite song

Step right up
Get yourself wrecked
Come on whisper my name
I mean since it's so late
A thousand miles away
I'll be creeping down your spine
And making you wait, wait and wait

And I hope you find a handsome young man
Who can love you like I, baby, just like I can
Who will take you out dancing, while you waited me out
Making good use of the blues you found

Go on light it up
Let your hair down
You deserve the wee hours and the shivers downtown
Because I'm waking up
You're stumbling home
What? You think I forget
I remember each and every lonesome night lone

And I hope you find a handsome young man
Who can love you like I, baby, just like I can
Who will take you out dancing, as you waited me out
Making good use of the blues you found
Making misery so proud

And if I saw this much blood
If it was all on your hands
If the pills in my system came to call you up again
Would you buy me a drink, to calm down
Would you buy me a drink right now

And I hope you find a handsome young man
Who can love you like I, baby, just like I can
Who will take you out dancing, while you waited me out
Making good use of the blues you found
Making good use of the blues you found
Making good use of the blues in you now
Making misery so proud
Making misery so proud
Making misery so proud
While you waited me out

Oh! You drive me crazy! 

I am really bad at being alone.  At night especially. I don't exactly know why, you would think I would appreciate the time to myself after hours and hours of twin two year olds.  Maybe I am bad at being lonely.

Moving to this new place has been hard.  I have no friends.  No social life whatsoever.. Making friends when I spend all my time with the boys is close to impossible.  I need to get involved in something here.. meet some cool mommas or somethin. I just know I cannot just keep sitting here night after night watching television and feeling sorry for myself.

And Collin is trying.  He really is trying so hard.  I am proud of him, And yet there is still doubt.  Always Doubt.

I havent written in ages.  I should start again.  We shall see.

HO-LY Crap!  I was sorting through my email last night and came across something from livejournal and was like OMG i forgot about that!!
So here I am, back in black.
Not who I was then.
How strange, to read the ramblings of a girl who didn't even know who she was,

More later, I am sure i still have too much to say,

I get to graduate.  I know, those of you who read this are like, "what?  There was a chance you wouldn't?"
Yes, kids, there was.

And i wont go into great detail, since it's no longer important or relevant,
but Zaks Psycho Ex-girlfriend went and told the people@ my school I've been threatening her life,
which is totally untrue...
I talked to the President today, and she said everything is fine, and she knows this girl is full of crap,
and so i get to graduate!  Thankk damn god, Im telling ya.
I almost flipped my lid.

In other news, I'm on the job hunt.  If you have a dentist, send me his or her #.

Went out for coffee this week with Bill, it was good to see him.
Saw Nika - and it was a lovely time hanging out with her.

Have the day off, and I am enjoying it.  Get this- Dentists get sick, too! Who would have thought?

I don't really have much to say today, so I'll end with a song thats playing in my head.

Loves to my peeps

Artist: Rilo Kiley Album: The Execution Of All Things Year: 2002 Title: So Long

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Get So Long ringtone on your mobile!

Watch me fly away
Through the night sky yeah
Now that all you touched
Has finally turned to gray
And roads can't hold us down
Winds will move us around
With no need to return
To this gray town
Want to bet i can tell
You've been in bed for too long
So let's just say so long
And i watched you at the cove
You read on rocks below
And i turned home
Without so much as hello
Want to know where i go
I've been away for too long
And it's hard to leave
When i haven't seen
You in so long
And if we
Had just held out for tomorrow
We might have seen
What seemed so far away
We didn't even bother to stay
There it goes i can tell
You're going to keep
Your eyes on the ground
Waiting for someone
To finally come around
And tell you what you knew
That you weren't wrong
And it's finally time for so long

tash