I made the mistake of watching a recent GACKT TV appearance and I'm experiencing emotions I'd tucked away for so long.
I still understand so much spoken Japanese, and feels. They played older G music, and feels. Watching the mannerisms of the audience, and feels. Even seeing the stupid words splashed across the screen for emphasis gives me feels cause no where else do you see any of this. (And wow, I can still read so much of it, even the kanji)
I'd been subconsciously hiding away from all exposure of things that used to make my heart ache for Japan. I had been avoiding new jmusic, any jdramas, any and all anime...practically everything pop culture. I refused to watch any tv or variety shows like I used to, hell I even avoid jcommercials because it reminds me of everything I was surrounded by while over there.
Is it good or bad that I'm paying attention again? Cause I feel like it might motivate me more but I'm also sitting here emotional and crying.
I have two cats and the other is a Lynx Point Siamese named Hades, that damn goober lol. He's usually attached at the hip so I post penty of photos of him on fb.
Luci, on the other hand, is content with just being in the same room as me, keeping watch. Sometimes she hops on my desk for cuddles while I work or play video games, but mostly she's hanging out somewhere where she can keep an eye on me at all times. The moment I have a panic attack, yell, or even laugh a little too loudly though, she bum-rushes over meowing, and thrusting her face into my hand to make sure I'm okay and try to distract me from the attack (;v;)
Brandon broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He made the decision to let me go because he feels he isn't ready to be in a relationship-that he can't give me what I need, because he can barely take care of himself (yay depression)
I've decided to move back to Houston because I've been here over a year yet I have no social circle outside of him, no other support. I moved here to be with him anyway. My father isn't in a place where he can be a proper father to me and the two friends I have are either Brandon's roommate or a friend who lives over an hour away that I barely see. Houston at least has my brother and cousin. A friend asked me to start a gofundme so I thought I'd post it here too in case anyone would like to help, I'd really appreciate it. It has some more details on there too https://www.gofundme.com/talene309
I'm mainly posting an update here because ( Collapse )
Its so amusing when Mileage Plus Dining sends me emails about earning miles when I eat out. Especially when the only times I've managed to earn miles for dining was because of the dates I went on with my boyfriend while vacationing in Florida xD;
MY SMART BUTT decided to take a day out of my FL trip to fly up to DC to go to Schwarz Stein's live at Anime USA xD
I got to DC safe at around 10am. I opted out of taking a cab and took the Metro instead. I stopped by Chinatown and had DELICIOUS FREAKING RAMEN at Daikaya omg. Spicy miso ramen is soooo good. Afterwards, I hoped back on the Metro and got to the con. After getting my badge and poking the dealers room a bit, I met up with Roger from Tainted Reality and decided to help him with some booth coverage. I worked the booth practically all day until it was time for me to meet up with Schwarz Stein for my photo with them thanks to having VIP. After the photo was the concert, which was great! I can't believe Kaya sounds so perfect live. Poor guy though, he accidentally broke the platform off of his boot, lost his balance, and fell straight on his butt. Thankfully they had a replacement boot backstage but ow... and embarrassing. During the autographs, I asked if his ankle was okay because it looked like he twisted it but he said the worst of it was how scared he was when he was falling ^^;
After autographs and food I got to meet up with my friend Nick, who I first met and hadn't seen since Nekocon 2011 (BORN's visit). We hung out in his friend's hotel room sipping some whiskey and chatting a bit before we disbursed and people went to bed. I, on the other hand, did not have a hotel room. I couldn't find one even though I bugged friends and posted on AUSA's fb. Oh wells~ I had the leave the hotel around 6am for my flight back down to Ft. Lauderdale and it was already midnight.
I went to the rave because Roger was DJ-ing and hung out with my friend Eve a bit. Eventually though, security walked me out of the rave because I had my purse and plastic bags from the dealers room. They weren't allowing bags in the rave, ugh. I didn't have anywhere to put my stuff because no hotel room! But Eve actually was the one who organized the rave for AUSA so when I texted her to tell her I was just gonna hang out in the lobby instead because I got kicked out, she escorted me back inside and straight backstage xD; I got to put my shit down and go out to dance a bit here and there. During the rave, I tweeted about the con and the awesome music and they broadcasted my tweet on the big screen xD That was cool.
The rave ended at 4am and I helped around a bit, taking some stuff up to the rooms, and shit and then I just chilled in a hallway charging my cell and taking a 30 minute nap before I took Uber to the airport. I got a promo code from Anime USA so YAY! Free airport ride!! I passed out at the airport for an hour before boarding because at that point, I had been awake for over 24 hours and I felt MISERABLE. Boarded and I got to sleep on the plane for the FULL ride xD;
So if I ever end up dead or something, its probably because of doing stupid shit like I pulled today xD;;;
CAUTION: LOTS OF HEAVY LANGUAGE lol
So I was at my usual taco truck with my cousin today. A random black guy came up and was asking people for $1. He was like, "Hey you got a dollar? Come on man, I just wanna get something to eat." No one gave him anything. He then walked up to the taco truck's window and I was to his left, having just ordered. I was thinking to myself, this man is seriously not about to ask these people for a free taco or something, is he?
No, he wasn't. This man grabbed their tip jar. Before I even made a conscious decision, I had grabbed the tip jar from his hands and pulled it towards me. That's when I noticed it was actually tied down so I shoved it back through the window, pointed away from the truck and yelled "You need to back the fuck up right now!"
Him: I was just looking, bitch! Me: My ass you were just looking! You need to back the fuck up, right now before I call security on your ass. Back the fuck up! Him: Call security and watch what happens! Me: Back the fuck up asshole, I'm serious. Back the fuck up.
He then pointed at my face and got even more aggressive.
Him: YOU need to back the fuck up before I beat your ass.
And again...without thinking >>; I stepped forward, closer to him, puffed out my chest xD, and said "Do it."
Me: Do it and watch what happens. Him: I'm gonna beat your ass. Me: Do it then!
Before it escalated further, this other black man yelled from maybe 5 feet away, "Touch her and I'm gonna beat YOUR motherfucking bitch ass!"
Thief: Say what, ni***? New guy: You heard me, ni***! Get the fuck out of here. Get your fucking bitch ass out of here!
When the thief initially turned around, he turned around like he was big shit but then he saw the guy who interfered was bigger than him and it was an immediate tail in between legs moment. So the new guy starts walking up to the thief as his wife/gf watches on in shock and continuously tells him to leave.
The thief walks around the taco truck so the new guy backs off but the thief was talking shit under his breath so when the new guy got mad and started walking towards him again, I walked into the grocery store the taco truck is parked in front of and got security. By the time we came out, everyone was gone, my adrenaline had kicked in and I was shaking.
The workers in the taco truck never even noticed what happened. They're so used to tuning out random arguing and screams because I live in such a shitty neighborhood. I explained it to her because she saw I was shaking still and she ended up giving me a free limonada (limeade). lol
And this is how Jeanette almost got in a fist fight because she acted before she thought things over xD;;; And Steven Salinas!!!! Did nothing, cause he knew if it had escalated, I probably would have owned that asshole xD;
And before someone asks as to why I had to mention the races. Because I live in a predominantly black neighborhood. A lot of people tell me I'm crazy for living here (though its not the worst part I've lived in) Yes, there are people like the failed thief who fuck things up for everyone, but I did not know the other guy, the one that stood up for me. He could have kept walking, OR WATCHING like the good for nothing Hispanic guy who had just gotten his tacos and was closer to the commotion than the new guy did. He stood up for me because he was a decent person, regardless of 'oooooh he sags his pants~~'
Not all people are shitty. Just a majority of them. Like the other 6 people that were there that did nothing while this fucker threatened me. |
Don't you dare steal while in front of me, AND from MY taco truck xDD
The other thing I thought of though, is how this asshole thought I'd be scared cause he threatened to beat me up. What cause I'm a girl? I was bigger than him, in size and weight, but he didn't back up until another guy interfered. Bitch, you're the thief, and I'm standing up to you. Feel some fucking shame, asshole.
Personal confession time: Battling the depressive side of what really does seem to be due to being bipolar sucks so hard. Especially when its been lasting so long this time around. I'll be fine for a day or two, but then I'll have to kick with all of my might for 5+ days to keep from drowning. Started working out little by little last week. Here's hoping me making the effort towards some sort of change like that will help.
Its been a rough few months but at least its been almost 2 months since I last cut.
So while it may seem like life is awesome due to facebook posts, inside I've really been struggling. While before I would post 4 page long rants about everything via livejournal posts, I now hide most of it. I'll ignore my phone when it rings, skip work, and just hide in my dark room watching tv shows or playing video games. Has it helped me? Probably not so much. But the reason I rarely post emotional things anymore is because I'm tired of the same responses. "It'll be okay." "One day it'll get better" "Don't worry too much"
Today is a bad day. I called out of work because I couldn't get out of bed. But sometimes I need to remind myself that its not always bad. and the positive posts I have on here helps ease the pain a bit. So its probably a good thing I rarely post when things are bad.
I'm sorry to the people that have recently mentioned that I seem kind of distant. Its not intentional. Its a coping reaction to not wanting to spread the BLAH I'm feeling to others.
So you know how you hear stories about there being guys out there who, when they get "friendzoned", they no longer want anything to do with that chick, or worse, they get mad and lash out? Well, I found out today that its not just stories guys.
I met a guy at a rave Saturday. Seemed like a decent guy. Until he texted me Monday while I was at work and seemed bothered that I couldn't respond immediately. I explained that I can't have my phone out at work but that I would respond when possible. Now this morning (Tuesday), he texts asking how I'm doing at work. I can't get to it cause of the call volume so an hour after the text, he calls my phone. Thankfully I had it on vibrate. Obviously, I didn't answer. An hour later he sends another text and I remind him again, I can get FIRED for having my phone out. Give me some time, yo.
After my shift, we're texting back and forth a little bit. He mentions wanting to set a date to hopefully spend time with me and asked if I was cool with MAKING TIME for him, in order to get to know one another. I kindly explained that I'd been planning for Anime Matsuri this weekend for a while and even had a whole group of friends I was planning on meeting up with but that I'd have free time during the rave. That I would be cool with spending time as friends at the rave but that for anything else, I just wasn't in a good spot for right now. (I have a crush I'm working to get over ><;)
His response "You know what you want and its not me. Let me know if you ever wanna spend time with me and ACTUALLY get to know me"
DUDE, I danced with you to ONE song. I told you I'd gladly meet up with you if you wanted to come to the rave. I'm not gonna drop this event I've been planning for months, this event I'm going to see a ton of friends I haven't seen in forever, or will even be meeting for the first time to go on a date with you. You don't even have me yet and you're already this clingy? Calling cause I'm not answering texts? Lashing out cause I won't adjust my plans around you? I don't know if I sound like a bitch but bro, we barely met 3 days ago...really? You're gonna get mad cause I won't ditch my friends for you? No thank you. I'm not that desperate for human contact.
Its trying so hard to be different than 2013 already.
2013 started with my hours getting cut at work and me breaking my arm due to my motor scooter accident.
2014 is starting with a new job, 40 hours-full time, higher pay, and I already filed my taxes which is getting me my biggest refund ever.
All I can think about is how soon is too soon to ask my new job for 3 weeks unpaid time off so I can go to Japan?
and that makes me want to cry. Because its been almost 3 years since I left. 3 years of struggling to make ends meet. 3 years since seeing a people I care about. Now that it seems in reach, I'm absolutely terrified.
What if I end up losing this new job? Just, what if something comes up to knock me down after I finally feel like I have both feet solidly on the ground for the first time in 3 years?
With the way 2013 was, where as soon as I fixed one problem, something else came up, I'm frightened something is lurking around the corner. and if I spend this money on myself, the moment I do, I'll be thrust back down to counting pennies.
distressed
nostalgic
amused
pessimistic