so you've found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts

In my junior year of high school, I took an English class entitled Profiles. The stated purpose of the class was to provide a more concentrated study of literature through a handful of books written about defining life experiences; the generally understood aim was to rope in dedicated underachievers like myself who avoided Advanced Placement classes like the plague. The class itself was nothing extraordinary; mostly, I remember reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Net and Fallen Angels. Halfway between the two books, we were assigned an essay to discuss who we were--a profile of ourselves, if you will. Probably because the class offered me the chance to slack off, I resented having to spend any time on such a pedantic time waste of an assignment. The next class day, I turned in a poem, in the stylings of Rita Dove, expressing equal parts garden variety defiance of the system and arrogant conviction that I was So Above It All.

My hubris is a source of some embarrassment for me now. It is a thin veneer, masquerading as apathetic armor. Who am I? Who I am is something still open for interpretation. Every year, it seems I learn more about myself, and yet, simultaneously, I am still something of a mystery to myself. This isn't something that I think makes me unique; this is a struggle that I read about often. Self-help sections at old book stores, as it turns out, are my love language. This year, at the ripe old age of 32, I am closer than ever before to figuring out the things of myself that other people figured out for themselves eons ago.

So, what I have figured out is that I'm an Earth-worshipping mother who works as a writer to support her activism habit. I have dreams of owning my own home, fleeing student loan debt, and having a career that doesn't involve receiving a paycheck through PayPal. Figuring out what that career should ultimately be is a good idea more complicated and less easy to discern. I know I want to save the world, a lofty goal that is realized in how I raise my daughter. My childrearing philosophy is a smorgasbord of Starhawk, Dr. Sears, Scary Mommy, and a total rejection of my own childhood.

Outside of childhood, I'm a lousy cook, a semi-talented poet, and a voracious reader. One of the things my creative writing teacher advised understanding was that it is impossible to truly appreciate a good story written by someone else until you've written your own. I've always treated my journal as my story, and I'm excited to share that with you all.

In an attempt to get back into writing as more than a form of navel-gazing, I've decided to participate in the Real LJ Idol.

Apparently the firm has a trial in one of the satellite offices' cities next week. And someone, either Mayhem or the client, dropped a ball this morning that could impact the trail. Martyr and Mayhem are leaving today, and what do you think they want to do?

Make B deal with it, of course. They want him to run to the office, do some legal wizardry, and run said wizardry up to the house before they leave this afternoon.

I said no. I didn't yell, but I was firm that no, B could not borrow my car to complete this errand. I said that after the considerable disrespect that has been shown to me, I'm not inclined to bail them out of a jam. I reminded him of how they demean B's value to the office, and are always so quick to remind him that it's Mayhem's name on the door and that B doesn't earn the pathetic salary he's paid to begin with. So I questioned why he felt compelled to be their problem-solver. Mayhem's name, Mayhem's business, Mayhem's problem, sez I.

Not to mention responding to them in this fashion, of scrambling to pick up balls that they dropped (or, as in this case, picking up the balls that the client dropped which are really their responsibility to address) simply translates into no impetus to change. I mean, they're not going to change anyway, but at least this way, we're not being taken advantage of in the process.

And it pisses me off that when B gets irritated, he takes it out on everyone in the most passive-aggressive way possible. He barely speaks and mostly relies on grunts as his primary form of communication. And he'll seriously act like that all day, until it comes to head in a giant fight where he finally gets his annoyance off his chest and stops acting like a jerk, or I cave because I fucking hate fighting with him. This is especially true if the issue of contention involves me doing what I believe is in the best interest of the family's safety.

I recognize that this isn't an issue of safety, but we're talking about behavior patterns which connect to family safety. And besides, I shouldn't have to justify not wanting to help them out after the way they've treated me for the last few weeks. Perhaps if they saw fit to provide B with a car for the same amount of money they threw down the well for the pipe dream that was Rex's marijuana farm, I might be more inclined to work with them. Not to mention they've been circulating e-mails around the whole family unit about how I hate the family and refuse to help them anyway, so perhaps this is a little prophecy brought home.

I just wish there was a way we could establish boundaries without it always causing a fight with my husband. I was proud of him for how he handled this conflict, but I feel like ever since Dad went home, his resolve has started to slip. I wonder how long before we're back in the old pattern of behavior where his parents pull punch after punch, and he either looks the other way or fights with me for failing to duck. Based on the discussion we had about the necessity of his Bar raise, I'm really not optimistic.

I'm glad I tempered my emotional response to the scuffle with his folks the week before last. I knew, on some level, it would not last. And unfortunately, as northernwalker pointed out, these next few weeks are going to be what make or break us.

So, who wants an update on the drama with my husband's family?

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Every year, I swear I'm going to keep better tabs on the books I read through the year, and I don't. We're only six days into 2012, and I've finished V for Vengeance and halfway through N is for Noose in the Kinsey Millhone series.

Unfortunately, I don't have enough time do in-depth reviews of either, but I will say this. Halfway through the series (starting with Q is for Quarry, if I'm recalling correctly) Grafton completely changed the way she wrote the books. Instead of always being from Millhone's first-person perspective, she started including narration from other characters. I can see the literary value behind it, as it does help build tension and create a red herring effect of sorts, but it just strikes me as odd that she'd do it after she has over a dozen books with a rigid formula under her belt.

So it irritates me, and I'm realizing that although it's helped flesh the characters out and generate a greater sense of urgency to the mystery, I actually prefer the old Millhone books. This is in stark contrast to the Stephanie Plum series, where the books get more and more hilariously absurd because Evanovich has proven her merit and she can do ridiculous things like have Lula fight a giant chicken with no recourse to her over all sales.

Which reminds me, to digress a bit. Along those same lines, I'm excited about the One for the Money Evanovich adaptation coming out this month. I must have been living under a rock during the filming process, because the first I heard of it was watching a preview during an episode of "Teen Mom" last week. I've been an avid follower of the books for about a decade, ever since I borrowed To the Nines from Caroline while traveling to Geneseo the month after we graduated high school. I'm not sure how you make an adaptation of a book series rounding out number 18, but I'm excited to see it, and if it's any testament, I occasionally read snippets aloud to B and he actually wants to see it, too.

So far, the reaction to the cast has been pretty mixed. I understand why people want Sandra Bullock, and I wouldn't consider myself a rabid Katherine Heigl fan, but I admit I think she's a smarter cast for Stephaie Plum (though I'm worried about how hard she'll fall trying to pull off the Jersey accent) because she looks like how I've always pictured the character, and Bullock seems to be focusing on a more "respectable" drama genre, if she's still interested in acting at all. On the plus side, Evanovich has considered Heigl as "the real Stephanie Plum" since 2007, so that's a pretty powerful endorsement.

As far as the rest of the cast, I'm not familiar with either of the actors playing Ranger or Morelli, but I think Ranger looks spot-on, and the greasy, rat-faced man slated to play Vincent Plum is perfect, too. I'm disappointed in the casting of Grandma Mazur only because I picture the character as a modern Sophia Petrillo, and feel that her proximity to the late Estelle Getty and rabid fan club makes Betty White the best choice, rather than Debbie Reynolds. But, I also admit Betty White is big and buxom, whereas the more petite Reynolds is probably more consistent with how Evanovich imagined her.

As far as Sherri Shepherd as Lula, I shouldn't have read up on her. Her ignorance on "The View" pisses me off, but maybe she can use that to her advantage playing the former 'ho who provides pretty politically incorrect comic relief.

So, back to the book. I have to say I liked the storyline of V better than some of the yarns Grafton has been spinning this late in the series. It featured an organized crime read, a grieving mother, a stupefied widower, and a gangster with a heart of gold, and although I'm not sure why, she's seemed to put a lot of effort into humanizing folks that probably ought to be seen as villains. Still, it was a quick page-turner and easy read for any Grafton fan.

Kinsey didn't experience any notable personal growth, which surprised me, given how U is for Undertow ended by allowing her a reunion with some folks from her past. Beyond a few passages referencing the end of her first marriage and her status as an orphan, there was no continuation of the family saga played out from the other book, or mention of how it might have concluded. That's one issue I have with reading any of Grafton's novels--a relationship might end between two books, and the reader is left without ever knowing why, and the character will emerge a few years later with no apparent chemistry to Kinsey. Personally, loopholes in a series irritate me, especially in a mystery series, where all questions are supposed to be answered.

Some positive things to update about:

-Sephie is crawling up the stairs. I think I'm getting a lot of exercise by chasing her up, then pulling her back down. More importantly, I'm learning how to play and have fun with my daughter, something that I regret was really hard for me to do with H. I've just never been someone who "plays".

-The school agreed to clear out my account, and I've been rehabilitating my student loans for six months now, so I'm once again eligible for financial aid and will be in an even better position when it's time to enroll next fall.

-The office has experienced an amazing turn-around, both in terms of profit and staff, so maybe the thing will still be standing when it's time for B and I to take the reigns after all.

-I've successfully come up with a game plan that will take care of the situation with regards to scheduling conflicts, H's future, and our current financial situation. P isn't going to like it, but it's going to be in the best interest of both kids and she'll get over it eventually.

-I wrote two awesome drafts for a rant over at A,B on the Plan B debacle. My editor likes both of them and so do I. I'm not sure which we're going to go with, but it's nice that I can create pretty well under pressure when necessary.

-In the last week, I've re-discovered my love for Alana Davis. I don't think she's still making music, but her album "Blame It On Me" is one of my favorites of all time. It amuses me now how it should have been obvious then that my love for her folksy sound and unusual lyrics would naturally attract me to Tori Amos a decade or so later.

-I can add Explosive Eighteen (Janet Evanovich), T is for Trespass (Sue Grafton), U is for Undertow (Sue Grafton), and The Year of the Flood (Margaret Atwood) to the books I've read this year, bring the total up to 24.

-Actually, the correct number would be 26. I just remembered I also started reading N is for Noose and V is for Vengeance (both by Sue Grafton) and I'll definitely finish them both by the end of the year.

-I'm in love with my Kindle Fire.

H was dropped off to us Friday night to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve.

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Because Sephie had been put to bed before H was dropped off, we were able to hide the Christmas tree and the gifts from H. After the kids had been asleep for several hours, I tiptoed into their rooms and hung up their stockings.

When we got up the next morning, I had H go through his morning routine. Once he had gone to the bathroom and Sephie had been changed, I exclaimed, "H, look!" and pointed into Sephie's room. He immediately got excited, which in turn made Sephie excited, and so we started unwrapping gifts. H wanted to rip open everyone's gifts, so we let him do that for most of Sephie's because she wasn't interested in anything except occasionally hitting a button or two.



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After we opened gifts, B and I made the kids scrambled eggs and blueberry pancakes and sang cheesy holiday songs. H was a big help in clearing out the torn wrapping paper and putting new toys away, but admittedly did not have a great day after getting up from his nap. He doesn't do well with any departure from the schedule, and B and I agree that we need to be better about articulating out our expectations with him to re-frame his behavior. He turned it around at the end, and as per the agreement, P picked him up around 7:30.

When P arrived to pick him up, she was pretty meek. I'm guessing she didn't actually get arrested, but probably wasn't able to complete her transaction with Wal-Mart and reached the conclusion that if you want your ex and his wife to bail you out of trouble, it doesn't start by intentionally trying to start a fight for no reason.

Over all, it was an excellent holiday and both B and I are already talking about what we're going to do next year. Although it wasn't our first year as a family, in some ways, it felt like it. And the fact we were able to put on something that the kids enjoyed and loved was really nice. I can't wait until Sephie is a little older so that she can really appreciate tearing open packages and playing with her new toys.

Like most people I know, I'm not even the slightest bit interested in the holiday season. I did purchase gifts for B, the kids, and my siblings' families, but I felt like I was on autopilot. I admit my usual thoughtfulness and enthusiasm for selecting great gifts just wasn't there. Part of it is I never even receive so much as an acknowledgment from my siblings if they received them, let alone whether they like them. I've also had too many instances of finding a sweater, still tagged and unworn, in DJ's closet back when we all lived in KC.

Not to mention it's always a dice roll to see if they'll remember H. It's kind of hard to get excited about gift exchanges when your brothers are taking a totally unnecessary stance of not recognizing a child because he doesn't share your DNA. And actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of a dice roll as to whether Ryan will actually participate. For nearly a decade, it's been every excuse from "I left it in the car" to "I forgot" when it comes to the celebrations that involve gift-giving. This might be more understandable, if we didn't share the same birthday because we're twins and Christmas didn't happen once a year. Just admit you didn't get me anything and move on, dude; I'll respect you more.

That's obviously not all of it--the other part is that Martyr declined to organize anything for Christmas this year. No tree, no decorations, no awesome dinner. Because, you know, L is in rehab and Martyr and Mayhem's monthly visitation with L's kids happened last week. So therefore, there is nothing to celebrate. In other words, B and I, and H and Sephie, aren't worth putting on any holiday airs for.

I might not feel so upset about this, if Martyr hadn't canceled her weekly visitation with both kids for three weeks in a row to do things with L. Even B, who rarely takes issue with Martyr's blatant favoritism, confronted her about how she's sending the very loud message that our kids play second fiddle to L's.

It probably won't impact H too much. After all, H is the only grandchild on P's side of the family and P has five siblings, most of whom spoil him rotten. I have no doubt he will have bags and bags of gifts, but more importantly, he'll have people making a big deal about the holiday for him.

Unlike Sephie. She has no grandparents to share the holiday spirit with her (because the ones that are here will be too busy holding L's hand up at rehab and reassuring her that she doesn't REALLY need to be in rehab because everything is her ex-husband's fault) or aunts or uncles that can let her know how special she is. It shouldn't upset me, but it does. I have to wonder if all those years of being the broken, defunct and square peg in the round hole that was my family is rubbing off on my child. I guess what I'm trying to communicate is that she doesn't have any other accessible family.

We'll do what we can here, but we don't even have a tree because there isn't room for one. B doesn't care about Christmas because of all the years the Clan spent in the cult, not allowed to celebrate anything that wasn't part of the tabernacle (whatever THAT means) and his response, if I were to let him know how this is making me feel, would probably be that Sephie is too young to really know what's going on.

Obviously, it's worth pointing out that Martyr not doing anything means I'll get a pass on having to celebrate yet another holiday in P's presence. I guess that's the silver lining in this cloud.

Dovetailing on my most recent entry about the virtual journey through my history with menstruation and Feminism, I wanted to leave one last plea for my friends to consider switching to non-disposable feminine hygiene products. The main issue (because the risk is death) is that they're downright dangerous.

Paper products, especially tampons, pose a MAJOR health risk. Companies like Tampax like to downplay the seriousness of Toxic Shock Syndrome, but up to 99 percent of all TSS cases are associated with menstruating women using rayon-blend tampons. Companies have gotten the picture and are starting to offer alternative blends, but many women can unintentionally expose themselves to risks by inflicting tears on the sensitive lining of the vagina trying to properly load tampons with cardboard or plastic applicators.

People like to think that this was before the Internet, before magazines, before sex ed in schools. But women and girls are still dying because the products, themselves, are the risk. Last year, a young graphic artist to-be died from Toxic Shock Syndrome, due to her tampon use.

From the news:

TSS is caused by staphylococcus aureas, a virulent bacteria that needs blood and oxygen to live. Super absorbent tampons may be the culprit. If the tampons aren't changed every four to eight hours, there is a chance the staph begins to grow and, in turn, produces a deadly toxin that Amy's parents believe caused her body to shut down.

While TSS has been in the headlines for years, it's likely the number of cases are going to increase. Thanks to the increased concentration of hormones and pesticides in foods that have been linked with causing cells to mature more quickly, girls are menstruating at earlier ages, and this generation is more likely to use tampons than the ones before them.

As the older sister to an 11-year-old who just got her cycle this year, I'm very concerned about providing her with an alternative. Though I want to empower her to make the right choices for her body (and my daughter, when she crosses this bridge) I also want her to be aware she doesn't have to use products that are unnecessarily dangerous to her.

This is scary, scary stuff, because TSS in this form is totally preventable: just don't use tampons. If you have to, make sure you change it every four to six hours, or more if you have heavy flows or a predisposition to infection and illness. Monitor yourself for the signs, many of which mimic the flu.

Additional health concerns can be found here.

I want to talk for a moment about the importance of bio-Fem. I'm not sure if that's an actual name for an ideology, but it should be, because science and medicine haven't always been kind to women. Once upon a time, so-called science was used to justify oppression of all flavors, which I mention also because I read this really rad article by Avory at Radically Queer about how Feminism cannot continue to exclude race from the ongoing dialogs of change. It was written specifically in response to New York's Slut Walk, where a presumably non-female of color held up a sign declaring "Women are the N of the World."

Most of my friends are smart enough to understand why this isn't acceptable, so I don't need to go into detail about it. I have some conflicting feelings on Avory's article, even though I overwhelmingly support her bottom line, and I hope you'll take the time to read it, as well.

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It might sound inauthentic to say a certain product transformed the way I experience a routine biological process, but that's exactly what happened with me. Coming from a background where women are shamed simply for being female, it's impressive I became a Feminist at all, let alone one who sees menstruation as critical to moving up and out.

Since then, Lunapads has impressed me with their commitment and dedication to helping women across the world. They sponsor menstrual kits for women in Africa who don't have access to any hygiene products for their menstruation. And when we had the fundraiser at the Birth Center last spring, they donated two different kits for patrons. They're by women, for women, and all about women.

That's why I also want to share with the awesome women on my blog that there's a $50 Lunapads giveaway going on right now for Lunapads through a blog I read occasionally called Retro Housewife Goes Green. All you need to do is post a reply with your e-mail address and what you'd do with the $50. I posted that I want to use the gift certificate to buy a Lunapads teen intro kit for my sister; what would you buy?