I cant seem to make my mind work in the way I want. I seem to have been taken over by another person. A pessimistic, scared, vulnerable person. Who wants to socially isolate herself, because she cannot cope with the idea that people will work out that she isnt strong, and she isnt coping. I cannot bear the thought of seeing myself through the eyes of the people I love. I just dont seem to have the strength to pretend. So it seems much easier to push everyone away, till I feel better, and I am over this, and back to my normal self.
can wanting something enough, be enough. If I want my nightmares to end, will they end? If I want my relationship to work, will it work? If I want to stay well, will I stay well? Sometimes my mind, and insecurities and desperation, and self loathing, and failures totally take over my personality, my abilities, my sleep, my brain. To the point that I cannot function properly.
Normally my personality is fun, and I am optimistic, and hopeful, and blindingly naive. I talk too much, and too fast, because I am excited about being alive, and well. And I cannot wait for the next second, the next minute, the next hour of my life. But sometimes I do worry that I talk too much and too fast for one reason only, because deep down I am scared that if I stop and it goes quiet, I will have to face things that my brain knows it wont be able to cope with. Anyway, I havent got time now to worry about it, i'm off for a picnic :-) and to talk too much!
Well I figured that once every 6-8 months should just about cover anything interesting I had to say! I am not sure why I am writing. I guess I just feel the need to feel connected to something. I am connected to someone. Someone amazing. Someone whom I am pushing away, for fear of losing them. How utterly insane is that. I am so scared of being hurt, that it is stopping me from loving this person properly. And I dont know what to do. I guess I could keep pushing them away, until finally I lose them!! Because that is what I fear I am doing. Its hard for me to open up. To lye infront of someone, vulnerable and exposed, and be totally confident that they will not use it against me. I guess I need some self esteem!! :-) If only it was that simple...
When our hands are locked together, and i do not know which hand is mine, this is how i know i love you. When you look at me, I know my soul is open, and i do not know if i am looking at myself, if its your eyes or mine, if its my soul or yours, this is how I know I love you. When in the exact second I am thinking about you, and i know you are thinking about me, this is how I know I love you. When i am lost, in a day that never ends, in a moment that never ceases, and you find me, this is how I know I love you. When I feel your hand print upon my face, lifting it up, so I can see again, looking at the world, as if i exist, the impression of my body left upon yours, this is how I know I love you.
Am I the only person in the world who absolutely loves christmas? I think it is fantastic!! I get like a little kid..I am excited..I am just about over my hangover from the party I went to last night, and am now preparing to go to work, and then out again tonight! I always love going out at christmas, everyone is happy..I am happy! Happy christmas to everyone, and me :-)
I found out today that my ex-girlfriend has a boyfriend. I am not even sure why I am making this my first post. I guess i just wanted it said, somewhere in the world I wanted it said. I need to just say it, and then hopefully I can move on.I wanted it said out loud. So that maybe I could read it, and accept it was real. She told me herself. I reacted very well. I wanted to just cry. To tell her I wasnt ready. But i have to be ready. I knew my journey with her was almost over. But I guess I thought it would be over when it didnt take away my breath, or make my chest hurt, or make me question what was wrong with me, or make me realize that in a second my relationship with her, however fucked up, was never going to be the same again. She is not my ex-girlfriend anymore, now she is somebody elses girlfriend. I dont know him, or want to. I guess in all the mess and hurt and confusion, I forgot to protect myself from the fact that she would eventually find someone else. Someone would eventually be in her house, in her bed. All that would become as familiar to them as it has always been to me. It has been 4 years since I first met her. She would always beg me not to leave her. She hated me even going to work because she missed me to much. I even nearly lost someone I love so much because of her. Am I ok? of course. Is my heart broken? A little. She is gone. She wants to still be friends, because she cares about me. I want to still be friends too. But to be honest she was a better girlfriend than she ever has been as my friend. The girl I loved has gone, she went a very long time ago. So I will just be thankful for the time we spent together, and let her go. Easier said than done. I hope not. In fact I know not. Am I ok? Of course. Is my heart broken? A little.
disappointed