Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

I'm so tired.

Does it ever end...

I just don't get it - I don't get myself, I don't get life and I don't get how things work. At all. I'm trying so hard - SO hard to do the "right thing" and to just get over everything and come hell or high water, I WILL find a way to do it. But right now I'm so unbelievably frustrated and confused and just angry in general.

The last time this happened, I learned not to trust anyone's professed love for me.

This time I've learned not to trust myself, my thoughts and feelings - because if you can feel so much peace about something and have it go straight down the tubes, what does that mean about your navigational system, you know? Mine is obviously broken.

I got about 10 hours of sleep, broken sleep but still sleep. I needed it - last night I was a mess and I can always tell that I'm exhausted when I get like that. The stress of everything just builds up and I don't have the resources to handle it.

I feel better today - somber, but better. Not like the weight of the world is crashing down on my shoulders anyway. Things will be alright - I need to not be so hard on myself and realize it's okay to rely on others for help. That's just a lifelong struggle for me I guess.

Ryan's taking me to the homeshow today, it'll be good to get out and do something fun.

As I suspected, I'm pretty tired today. But I had a thought - and I need to keep a running dialogue with myself here so I can sort through things.

It occurred to me that I can't ever feel happy if I don't feel free. If I don't feel like I have the freedom to make my decisions and to be who I am in my life. I have to feel like my future is in my hands. I don't want to feel like I'm in a cage - forcing myself to conform to something I'm not or something I'm not happy with. And I felt that way when I was married and I feel that way a little bit now. I think it's because I'm not in a position to dictate what happens in my life. I wonder how that can coordinate with being in a relationship. Or maybe it's just that issue of having common goals. Or maybe it has to do with truly loving someone. I just can't believe that real love means sacrificing all your wants and needs so the other person is happy. That seems like martyring yourself. I just don't understand any of it. So maybe it's about being with someone whose needs don't require you to sacrifice your own. Maybe that's all it is.

I feel like I need to figure all this out before I decide to start dating or thinking about moving ahead in that area of my life.

Stacey just asked me what I want in life and I think that's worthy of making a note of it...

-I would like at some point to be married and be happy in that and have it be a relationship that builds who I am and doesn't take from it
-I want to be in a position to raise my girls well whether I'm married or not, I want them to be safe and secure and happy
-I think underneath everything, I want to feel like I have control over my own life and where it goes and if I'm in a marriage, it has to promote that

Bottom line - I'd rather not be loved at all than be in a relationship where I know I'm not loved and accepted for who I truly am. I don't want to be in a position of being rejected every day of my life - no thanks.

Ryan's mom is coming up this weekend. Yipee. I hope she doesn't cry at me. I think she might be arriving up here today but I'm not sure.

Last night wasn't great as far as sleep goes. Nora is a good sleeper but if something off kilter with her then she doesn't go to sleep. So I was up from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. with her and finally I took her out to the swing and put her in there and I went to sleep on the couch. I need to go for my walk with my mom. I'm really tired and want to just go back to bed but I think I need to go walk. It seems to give me energy and that helps.

I have a ton on my mind and I hate it. I can't sort it out and it's driving me crazy. Good thing I'm too tired to care much.

Off I go.

Trying to make sense of things and life in general. I feel like no matter the outcomes in our lives, if we're doing what's right we have to have faith that the Lord's hand is in our lives and that we WILL be okay - no matter what. I'm going through a range of emotions but I still feel peace, I still know that things will be alright even though right now I don't know how. I believe the scripture that says that all things work together for good if we love God. I think that the things I've been through in the last few months have better helped me know myself and what I want in life. I think they've helped others find that as well, so in the end, it's only helped everyone and I can be at peace with that and I can and will find happiness in that.

Man did last night suck. SUCKED. Geez. But hey - live and learn. It feels good not to be numb and it feels good to learn things from life even when it hurts. It means I'm alive. I've said it before and I'll say it again - pain is only a waste if we don't learn from it. I don't know what the future holds but I know what it doesn't - it doesn't hold a life of unhappiness for me because happiness is a choice. And I'm never going to give that up to anyone or anything again. To quote Bon Jovi.. "Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake, luck ain't even lucky, got to make your own breaks."

I've got to get all this laundry put away today. And I really need a nap. This isn't a good time for me to be exhausted and losing sleep, but I'm not getting enough at night right now and I can't fix that since Miss Nora is awake until midnight. So I need to make sure I'm getting naps.

It's funny - I hate the unknown, I hate not knowing what to expect. But sometimes we just have to let things simmer awhile until we see how they're going to turn out. I HAVE to be patient and I have to have faith. Things will be okay but I have to let things work themselves out.

"When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things - either you will step out onto firm ground, or you will be taught to fly."

I honestly don't even know what to say right now but since I never said enough before, I at least don't want to make that mistake again. If nothing more than for myself, I don't want to do that. I considered deleting this journal altogether without anything else - that's what a "clean break" is, isn't it?

So I guess since this is my blog, I have the right to say whatever I want - that wasn't a part of the "stipulations", and so I'm going to assume I can say what I feel here. Who knows, maybe you won't even read it. Maybe I just need to say it.

I vascilate between wanting to cling onto some hope that there's a chance that what was said wasn't how you felt and wanting to just accept it so I can move towards healing this massive wound I have at the moment. I always have to have a goal, ya know? I can't really come to terms on that though because I have no way of knowing what is what at the moment.

So all I can say is this - I stand by what I've said. I've only ever tried to be honest and answer what was asked of me to answer. I never wanted to say anything that would hinder or hurt you. I knew when I put myself out there like that that I could end up hurt very badly again. But I did it because you asked me to. And that was enough for me.

The only thing I have to say right now is that after everything that's been said, I do feel like you could have at least told me yourself. I feel that as a human being, I deserved that. I certainly don't consider that "inappropriate", especially given the fact that I've tried so hard to keep everything as appropriate as possible. I'm really glad that you've made some "huge breakthroughs" and "really come together on a lot of things". I am glad - I know you said that you were hoping for a miracle. So was I. But as always - knowing you got yours can be enough for me. I couldn't be happy knowing you weren't.

I feel like I've operated with integrity - to myself, to my feelings, and to you. I can only hope that you got something out of all this that will help you in your life. Maybe people can change overnight - maybe I'm way more cynical than I should be. I don't know. But what I do know is that I've learned an immense amount throughout this whole thing about myself, what I deserve in life, and about my capacity to love someone. I'm not angry. Hurt and sad, yes. But not angry. With real love there isn't room for that and I don't feel an ounce of it towards you.

I didn't say much when she called. I don't feel that I owe her that. She informed me of the situation and the "rules", and I informed her that if you called I'd still pick up the phone but that, as always, I won't be the one calling. That's all I said and there's nothing else to say. You know my number. If you have anything to say, I know you'll call me. If not - then I'm glad I said all I felt when I had the chance.

Twelve years ago today you told me you loved me the first time. And today I'll say it to you - maybe for the last time. I'll keep praying for you - good luck with everything. If nothing else, I hope you always remember that your happiness is in YOUR hands unless you allow it to be in someone else's. And if you put it in someone else's hands, make sure it's someone who has earned the privilege. Thank you for the time you've allowed it to be in my hands - I won't ever forget that.

Love,

Me.

This is one of those special dates. It's been 12 years since a very meaningful day in my life. It's interesting to have days that make you step back and look at life. And sometimes life is just ironic.

Okay, what else - Ryan's cousins' wives came over today and we had a very nice visit. I talked candidly about everything and I think it made everyone a lot more comfortable with the situation. I'm going to go hang out with them tomorrow night. I have a feeling Ryan's family is going to be pretty upset about all this because even though some of them irk me, they all really love me and I know that. So I'm just going to make sure the girls still spend time with them and see them. As I've always said - it never hurts to have more people in your life that love you. And especially the younger ones, like the girls who came over today - they are the ones that have become "family" to me and we all talked about that and it doesn't have to change. Their kids are cousins of my kids and so we're still all family. It's all good.

Kimber is once again boycotting her nap. I think this is going to be a trend which means bedtime needs to be bumped up a little earlier. No later than 7 p.m. Oh, she just brought me a pair of her training pants (which are basically just undies but thicker should we ever decide to potty train the little imp) and said, "Hat on!" Hrmmm.. well she is now dancing around the living room with underwear on her head. What else could I do...? :] I better get a picture of her.

Mom and I are going to a wedding open house thingy in a few minutes. As ravishing as I look in men's pajama pants, I should probably go change my clothes.

Ta ta for now!

It's been a crazy day. Kimber had a pretty hard day. She wouldn't nap and by the end of the day she was like a little wild animal. I'm trying to sort through the best way to discipline her at this point but I'm thinking the very consistent time outs like I did with Simone need to start. She's been doing time outs for awhile now but not as consistently as I think she needs. So we'll be working on that - and on getting that nap.

I'm really tired today - tired and a little bit sore. I've tried to take it easier today and I'm still hurting but I think it's made worse by the fact that I am so worn out. Nora is a really easy baby - Kimber's still her charming little demanding self (I say that with the utmost love for her), but just having two kids keeps me so busy - I forget to eat half the time. I know the first month with a new baby is generally that way, so hopefully things will start to even out in a couple weeks.

I talked to Ryan's cousin's wife (Randi) today and told her about the divorce. I figured since Ryan had finally told his mom, I could tell other people in his family. I'd gotten to thinking about it and I was really concerned over him just letting his mom say whatever and things getting weird. I don't want things to be weird or for his family to feel awkward around me. I've always been very open with them and that's not at all how I operate and these people are related to my kids so I'm not going to have weirdness there if I can help it. Randi and I have been close since she married Brent and I don't want to lose that relationship with her. Anyway, I explained what has happened. She was shocked but really supportive. She said that I sound really happy and that she was glad for that and that she doesn't at all want to lose our friendship. So I felt better about that. She's coming over in the morning to see the baby and she's coming with two other girls from Ryan's family (that have married into it). Should be interesting.

Not much to say besides that - I wanted to get to bed earlier tonight but I can never seem to get there lately. Just too much to do.