Jamie Gomez

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :)

I'm really anxious right now. I feel so overwhelmed. I have alot to clean. I need to wash alot of clothes. Which means I have nothing to wear right now and whatever I do have looks horrible on me. It's making me feel really depressed. I feel really sad and I'm alone. Me family went to my mother in law's house for her birthday. Which could be nice. I'll get alone time. But I still don't like being alone. I've been on edge for awhile. I just want to take the pain away. I've been feeling really stressed out. I just want it all to go away. I just want to be thin and beautiful and not get overwhelmed over the easiest things. Like over choosing what I need to wear. It takes me about 3 hours to get ready. Using the restroom, dealing with my OCD, which that takes a lot of time. My showers take long because of a OCD. And I feel like there's alot of germs in the room because of us having sex in the room and touching the walls and everything. So everytime I touch the walls now, even though I sprayed the whole room with Lysol, I still get grossed out and feel like I need to run to the bathroom to wash my hands again and again and again I try to avoid the walls, but sometimes I forget and then I get grossed out. I kind of wish I could be drunk all the time so I don't have to be scared of germs and the complusions. I'm so sad. I hate this. I really hope my psychiatrist can give me something that works and make everything better. I know I need to see a therapist as well as taking the medication. Now to get to the point of actually calling. I hate dealing with insurance stuff to make sure everything qualifies and the Therapist specializes in OCD. Like I said , I just want this to be gone now. I've been having a hard time with my son because he doesn't listen anymore. I know he needs structure again being at school. He's home bored either because I'm just super tired because of the Trileptal and the Luvx. Or I don't have any money or much money to go out and do things with them while my husband is at work, but there's also the heat. Who really wants to go out in the heat? It's too hot to go to the park. Or I'm just too lazy. Well, it could be a mixture of all. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep, but that's due to the medicine. I used to be able to take my diet pills for the energy and to stay awake. But now it's not working anymore. I just don't even have energy to want to call around. I don't know who to call to figure out if my insurance covers weight loss surgery. I just wish I wasn't a grown up someone could do all this for me. I know that's not going to happen, that's not reality. I guess I'll just go to sleep.

I decided to stay on my medication, but I don't know about the OCD medication. I don't really think it's working. I'm going to ask my Doctor to put me on something else. I've been having really, really bad OCD. It's awful. I had to buy special lotion because of the redness and irritation from washing my hands all the way up to my arms too much. I don't know what to do. It's so frustrating. For the past few weeks I've been saying I'd find a Therapist that specializes in OCD. I keep being lazy. I have to call. I don't know what to do. It's getting so awful. I can tell my husband is getting really irritated from it. What do you guys suggest? I need help! Please. :*(

I decided to wean myself off of my meds. I really don't want to, but I think it'll be for the best. I think I'm starting to be affected by the possible side affects. My legs have been hurting, which I feel is joint problems due to the Trileptal. Also the weight gain I have been dealing with started happening when I began taking all the different kinds of mental health medications. I love being on the Trileptal. It makes me feel so good, but is my physical health worth risking?? Hopefully being on the lowest dose will still help me.

We figured it out, he does love me. I'm so happy because I love him with all my heart!

So he just told me right now that he likes me, but he doesn't love me. So how am I suppose to take that??? We're freakin' married! I'm going to start looking for somewhere else to live. I feel so numb. :(

I'm really sad right now. I don't know, I just feel like my husband doesn't like me anymore. I asked him if he loves me, but then when he answers it doesn't sound genuine when he says he loves me. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my freaking heart. I don't want him to feel like he doesn't love me that he has to stay with me since we're married. I don't want him to leave either. I want him to be with me forever and ever and ever and I'm sure the kids for him around for ever and ever and ever. What do I do? I've been texting him asking if anythings wrong. Sometimes I think that he doesn't want to say it to me face to face. He doesn't even answer me so I don't know what to do. It's just hard because I know that we've been through so much with my mental illness crap and my personality disorder. I don't want him to leave, but I don't want him to stick around if he doesn't love me anymore. It makes me really sad, my happy pills don't even help me feel better about it.

I had so much fun at my best friend's Birthday party last night. My daughter and I didn't get home 'till 4 in the morning. We haven't seen each other for about a year. Her Dad died last year so she kind of pushed everyone away. I'm so glad she let me back in. We laughed so hard all night. I can't wait to see her again.

Have a good weekend everybody. I'll be working at Costco, but I'll make it enjoyable. The guy that got his legs blown off at the Boston Marathon is a Costco employee at an other location then I work at. Costco is setting up a fund for him. Everyone's saying get well soon, but all I think is how the heck is he really going to get well? He has no legs. Poor guy. It's amazing that he was able to identify the bombers.

I called in sick last night. I have an ear infection and sore throat. I feel a little better today physically, but not emotionally. I feel depressed and irritated. Everything's annoying me. It might have something to do with my medications running out. I was supposed to meet with my Psychiatrist this past Monday, but the appointment was cancelled because the Doctor wasn't go to be there. Now I have to wait until April 29th to see her and get a refill. I don't like the me not on meds. :'(