7. I was once like you, I thought people were phonies. But I found out that behind people's moisturized skin, confident smiles, and brand-name clothes is flesh and blood, and it's a lot of blood. Too much blood in fact. I screamed at how much blood there was.
29. If there were most bottomless abysses around, maybe more people would watch there step. and carry around ipods, and wouldn't use parachutes as often, or when they use the parachute,.they think to themselves, wouldn't it be ironic if I parachuted into a bottomless abyss.
39. I'd have sex with a mermaid. And I don't care if the parts don't line up right, I would just need some friction. It's not like I'm in it for the mermaid babies.
41. I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood, and my uncles there with a baseball bat, and my father is screaming at me about a fish, the clock is running backwards, and I trip and fall forever.
43. If we found out that our universe was literally the bathroom for an alien race, then it would be the elephant in the room, but then all elephants would be in rooms and the phrase elephant outside the room would replace it, because if there was an elephant outside the room, we would have to talk about the trans-dimensional elephant traveler, because he would hold the key to the solution to our situation.
27. I've been reading some Sigmund Freud lately. Who here likes the father of psychoanalysis. Oh, I see the grimaces on your faces. You probably want to say, "Don't you mean Sigmund Fraud!!!! The big fat phony, faking his way to the top through quackery and intellectual shenanigans." WHy are you so fucking harsh! Do you even know the guy? What about clowns? They are the worst of phonies, fakers. Could you imagine having intercourse with a clown! How could you take them seriously? But we give them all this lee-way, as if it's their first day on the job of life. As if they are infants, unexposed to our dark jaded culture.
I mean Freud wore bow-ties. Maybe if he wore make-up, and was more sexually confusing for children, we'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well, anyway I am delving into Freudian thought, in its deep profoundity, its subtle nuances. And I came across an interesting fact. Everything is a penis. with the exception of napkins, electric/acoustic guitars, and incidentally some vaginas. and on a related note March is a fine month for garage sales. I'm keeping the woolen goods though. If it itches you have the right to scratch it, that's in the Geneva Conventions.
37. My father is an avid hunter. Name an animal and he has shotted it mounted it. It's better to do it in that order.
18. When I went to elementary school there was this kid that had some problems with his body. He had a stunted left leg, a slightly large head, and balance problems. We didn't let him play sports with us. We probably could have been more considerate. But our heart was in the right place. His was over here.
28. Why do Cubans come here?... It's all over the stage.
38. Only in two situations do you have to line up shortest to tallest: elementary school and gang bangs.
32. Have you ever stared at a lamp all day, and your eyes get really tired, and you become demoralized, and you think about how much of your life is wasted looking at that lamp. Fuck lamps!
9. According to the turing test when a computer can successfully imitate a human being through text-based conversation we call it a person. When you replace the computer with a grown white man and "human being" with "15 year old asian girl", we call it a "sexual deviant".
6. I hate bosses always telling me what to do. "Could you get down from there?," "Hey, get down from there." "How many times do I have to tell you to get down from there?"
20. I only use gender inclusive pronouns. Like instead of saying, Man's greatest achievement is the development of the modern state, I talk about urination.
14. Scientists say that there are thousands of people with accessory breasts. I say that there are millions, they are called ugly people.
8. I like touching breasts, and I like having sex. After some experience, I have learned a valuable lesson, don't engage in both at the same time. Divide and Conquer!!!
17. I don't know what is going wrong with my job interviews. I always manage to get a severed foot in the door.
1. I disagree with the quote "shoot for the moon, you'll land among the stars." In reality though you would continue hurdling through space until you hit a star and burned to death.
12. I am a philosophy student: we debate whether shit happens, or is enduring. I ate Taco Bell yesterday, and as it turns out, it's both.
11. Why don't women respect me when I burn bras?
36. I'm against wearing fur or leather. It's not that I love animals. I just don't think they are very good looking. Except for dolphins, I could wear dolphin.
33. I don't buy the whole life is a highway metaphor. Who enjoys driving down US highways for long stretches, perhaps even all night long. I'm killing myself, or taking a day trip.
21. I once met a genie and asked him for three wishes. First, I asked for peace. Second, I asked for happiness. Third, I asked for more wishes. And then the genie said, you can't have more wishes. You broke the rules, I won't grant you your first wishes either. Read the fucking rules.
34. I was at a bar downtown, watching the bartender mixing a bloody mary and giving him a piece of my mind on some issue, probably saying something really classy, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a mysterious woman sitting at the end of the bar, she was sipping a blue martini, a rare sight in this particular dive, holding a long slender ivory cigarette holder, wearing spandex, a zorro-esque mask, and emitting an aura of slightly-questionable justice.
19. Jesus probably is the cannibal's forbidden fruit. If I were a cannibal, I would tell my children, eat ye man of any nation, but of Jesus the sun of God, thou shalt not eat.
10. STD's must be pretty bad, I'm smart and I'm not getting laid.
35. There's something funny about Nazis, You know when Hitler and his cohorts marched down the Champs-Elysees, the French probably overheard the German and laughed, man, it sounds like they are angry all the time. Then a few weeks passed and the French probably though, oh man, they ARE angry!
Some people believed that the U.S. air force once worked on a gay bomb. something that I would be dropped and turned everyone gay. I think this is ludicrous and completely unthinkable. If anything they are going to gay us up through the water supply.
4. Recently I've read that Jesus was pretty great. But, there's a zombie in Brazil that killed more people.
16. Hitler bound books with human skin. This guy I know had the Tao te ching tattooed to his back. Who sounds like the bigger douchebag? They both had moustaches.
30. I used a ouija board one time, who knew that there were so many letters?
26. My girlfriend is terrified of the penis. Maybe its all the make-up
15. Man breasts are idiopathic. We must each develop our own means.
31. Saying Merry Christmas isn't PC anymore. If you say Merry Christmas you are marginalizing the Muslim and Jewish communities, because they also celebrate hannukah and ramadan during the month of December. Let's just push those two holidays back a few months.
22. Why does brainstorming sound incredibly dangerous?
3. Fish are worthless pets, they don't seem to make it very long. If you want sympathy, get a dead dog.
2. Do or do not, there is no try. Is this supposed to motivate you. Yoda just kind of hung out in a swamp and ate rats.
