So after all this wallowing in self-pity, I've come to a conclusion of sorts. I MUST, not just need or want to, those aren't strong enough, I MUST live to make myself happy first at all costs.
I realize that now after worrying (unnecessarily), wasting my life and time and own sense of happiness on worrying over things which I've no control. So what makes me happy?
- reading - communicating with others- aka friends - being artsy and doing artsy things i.e. going to exhibits and making art - having a job that will sustain my living conditions and improve them - working out everyday and always being active - listening to music - watching movies and some television - having intellectual conversations - being focussed on the things I want most of all - living my days as I please rather than simply to please others - contemplating, day dreaming and just thinking
No one will ever take these things away from me ever again.
Of course, there are more things that make me happy but these are the things that have made me happy until this time of my life and things I can depend on to make me happy if only temporarily. Not sure if this decision will further solidate the assumption of me being 'selfish' but I really think that I need to do these things to make me happy first, then I can try and make others happy. But I know now that if I don't make me happy first, then I won't really make anyone else happy because emotions like that are quite contageous. I know I hate being ordered around, doing what others tell me to do, not being able to do my own things, being told to say and do things that don't resonate (I suppose would be the right word) with me, and frustration for not being able to make things better for others when my heart isn't really in it. I need to be fully happy with making changes or doing things in my life for others to be happy or happier, and if I'm not happy, I'm not making anyone else happy either.
When my ex and I talk again, I won't be talking to her just because it'll make her happy. I'll be doing it to make me happy first. I'm not feeling up to talking right now... but perhaps tomorrow. I'm going to listen to my feelings first and foremost now. And if something really doesn't feel right (I mean, in myself, if something feels really off), then I simply won't do it no matter what fuss is kicked up because of it. Walking away can be the hardest or the easiest thing, depending.
Internet almost up at my place, thank goodness. It's driving me up the wall, being such a long, painful process ugh.
Don't you hate it when you're supposed to be doing something you love but all you can feel from it is dread like walking down death row? I don't particularly enjoy it.
Did two more classes today (fitness); power yoga and belly dancing. I've done both before, the former much more so than the latter. And love them. Had a good time and felt much better and less stressed afterward.
so did two exercise classes- demos- pilates and then ballet. both really fun. the pilates i'm more used to and know a lot of the moves already. and the ballet only very little from a fitness video. exciting stuff haha. no friends yet but am enjoying the classes so far.
trouble in paradise, of course... but yeah...i'm sure we'll get over the hump. we always do. *sigh*
i would like to have a job to pay my rent and maybe, maybe take a ballet class...at this point it may not be til next semester...but i think it would be a really good experience, good exercise, really improves your posture... its great.
i miss art. omg do i ever. i just...wanna paint...and build big stretchers with big canvasses covering them... what a fantastic feeling lol...since i'm terrible carpenter it's even more amazing.
i miss my gf too...and well... the convenience of home and not having to worry about rent, tuition or buying food..it's like...hard to get used to especially when i'm flat broke this time. i'm contemplating getting an appt. with a financial adviser on campus...maybe they can help me with it... *sigh* plus i'm job hunting and such... i'm thinking i might work out today.
food's pretty scarce too...well when you're in my position. i need more self control, i actually bought food yesterday, just a mini pizza and two coffees...but it was over $5 all together for it all. need to save.
i applied for the university newspaper...so that should be fun, i'm on a volunteer list...so... who knows. and i applied for the editor position available for the features/opinions section.
you know, its so sad how put down careers like artists and writers are... no one has any faith in them anymore. they're considered side jobs. but you know, there's many ways to get by doing those as you're main job. and wtf. look at people like JKR, Tamora Pierce, and others. i guess things haven't really changed from like... feudal times, pfft. honestly. i think people ought to do what they want for a career, within reason of course, but think about it. how miserable are people in their jobs that they create so many toxic means of escape? it's really quite sad. from sex, to drugs and alcohol, to being simply emotionally void.
ah the beginning of a school year...dear school, I have missed thee.
transfered schools...am really excited, worried, afraid, and anxious all at once to start. my family doesn't think i'm going due to my financial situation, but i am determined to go no matter what. even if i have to take a night job and eat at the soup kitchen. i'm fucking getting out of here. or i may go insane. and i have too many plans for the future to go insane.
so yesh... will update once sequence of events of moving begins. :D moving on monday or tuesday. gf's 'rents possibly might help...and thats a possibly...hopefully my uncle will do it. and i already know my parents don't expect me to even go so...hmmm we shall see. i plan to have everything packed by the time they get home. and my room cleaned from top to bottom. i'm determined to do this. even if it's just to prove everyone wrong. even tho my parents won't cosign a bank loan and i'm getting not nearly enough from osap, i wonder what it means if you're still insistent on going back to school anyway. ..
So I feel like my life's falling apart right now. I hope things start to get better. I don't want to take this anymore. Hurts too much. Love is so much more than just wanting to be with someone you love.....
Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails
Reading that again...just, I feel like I failed my partner and myself... But I suppose it takes two to tango...it's not just one person's fault somethings not working. We've just been fighting a lot and its painful because it hurts us both and I don't want to hurt or be hurt. I just want to go back to where we were just loving every moment together as if it were our last. I love her so much. :,( I don't want to lose her.
It's been so hard not to fight lately...it's like, we're getting upset over silly things that are just becoming more and more serious when they ought not to be...
Not too bad today. Little stressed about money, it's hard not to go out to eat with the gf. Would be nice if I had my own place, bought my own groceries and such...would plan out meals for the week, make sure I have all the ingredients. But alas, btw being at home and the gf's house...never know what's there to eat... and I try to avoid being at home when I'm not working, because it's just stressful and I live walking on eggshells there. Oh killjoy. Anyway...applied for rez for York Uni... so waiting to see if my apps been accept for living arrangements. Should be fine. I think I will get in fine for living on campus. :)
We're watching the Olympics and my gf and I just got home from her hockey game which she won. I'm so glad she did, she's in a really good mood because of it. :)
Was really depressed today, before we went out to the game... I was thinking about where the fuck that stupid library book went to...I know I put it by the door to return but it disappeared and I figured someone must've dropped it off...like if someone sees a library book there usually they will return assuming they're headed to the library themselves. That's what usually happens in my house anyway... but yeah...fuck. So I'm pissed off about that...
Possibly working tmw but by the looks of it, I won't work til Friday... Oh well...sucks tho cause I really need to save... OSAPs not giving me much for school...ugh well at least not near enough for what I'll need for rez... prolly enough for tuition but not enough for rez...so assuming I get in, I'll contact them and let them know I'm living on campus and thus need more than what they're estimating. *sigh* Fucking stressful.
Only reason I'm working is cause my mom's taken pity on me and hired me on her busy days for daycare... easy enough but can be challenging when they're misbehaving or sick which they have been.
Anyway.... my mom and the gf had a conversation (I translated, gf's deaf) about our relationship and how we're both going to school and such... so...it was good, they both cried, bless their hearts lol, sooooo emotional, my mom's someone who cries over commercials and greeting cards....so that didn't surprise me lol...
I really hate my home life. I really really fucking hate it.
Perhaps someone could take the honour of choking me.. as I would feel loads better.
I don't know if any one person in my life has ever accused me of being so lazy and selfish this much. I'm leaning towards not.
I'm feeling really trapped right now. Long fucken day working, and then I get yelled at for not doing the dishes when I've done them like 4 times today! Fuck.
I guess they must be right. But I think the worst thing about this is I know I'll be back here. That kills me the most. I will have to tell osap the situation so they give me more money for living expenses and school.
stressed
determined