I don’t need to cut I have you for my blade your words fly at me like daggers to my heart and no matter how much I bleed you don’t get enough if only you knew what it did to my soul I feel empty now and I’m so much different from the girl with wind in her hair who couldn’t stop staring at the sky I want to go back and take this all away so that I wouldn’t lay on the bathroom floor with scissors in my hands and a bottle of bleach in the other I want to be filled with love and look at everyone like they are beautiful without someone telling me its naïve I wasn’t naïve but I am now I don’t know how to love like I’m supposed to the only way I can love is with a steel door in front of my heart you did this to me and I let you take it back take it away slam my face until I forget who you are I want to be locked away I want to be my sister she sits in her room all day and doesn’t know where she is or that 20 years of her life has flew by she is the only beauty in my life I hate you you’ve ruined that girl you fell in love with you used to give her love but after she broke your heart you had to get her back and now that you’ve accomplished your goal you want more your like a vampire you will leave me with nothing to live for but the least you can do is leave me on my back so I’ll have the sky to live for.
there is no one. Even when your surrounded by your friends, there is no one to talk to. No one who will understand, not even the person who knows your deepest secrets can be there for you. Thats when I feel like dying. I look at myself in the mirror and see nothing, no future, no meaning. Maybe there is something wrong with me or maybe the media just wants me to think that so I'll buy their drugs. Fuck them, fuck my selfish ass boyfriend who ignores me when I'm crying in the same goddamn bed as him. It makes me want to write a note saying 'sorry to keep you awake darling' and then spread my fucking brains across his walls. Why does it hurt to be alive.. but why are we so afraid of death? Its not fair.. its like we are imprissoned in our own self created agony. Once your like this, no one wants to be around you, which makes you worse. I wish I could just make everyone forget about me, and die alone.. like I'm always going to be. I hear the best way to go is in your sleep.. maybe taking some sleeping pills in a closed garage with a car running? I could do that.. and I wouldn't even have to think about it. I just don't want to hurt anyone close to me. fuck everything.. nothing matters we're here to make money before we die alone, one way or another we are always fucking alone.
That's it. I don't know why I didn't do this before. Sixty cheap asprin from the Dollar Tree later and nothing. Maybe I take too much of this shit for headaches. All I know is that all I've done so far is heave.
He broke my heart, that stallion of a man. He told me to shut up. My one and only broke my tiny heart into a lot of pieces. More than seven. And I cried. I cried and I cried. And I e-cried. He was my baseball buddy. He was my sweetie pie. I would spend hours and hours thinking about him and how cool he was and how he always treated me like a petite lady.
But tonight, he ruined all that by telling me to shut up on the internet. And I take the internet seriously. The internet is serious stuff, guys. Internet.
So I downed those asprin one after another, swallowing them in the same way that I do M&Ms. Except I eat M&Ms by color and all my asprin were white, so I guess it's not really the same.
Either way, tonight, I'm ending my life.
It's across the street, right guys?
~ Let the rain fall down And wake my dreams Let it wash away My sanity 'Cause I wanna feel the thunder I wanna scream Let the rain fall down I'm comimg clean, I'm coming clean~
Last night I made an attempt at ending my life. I took about 100 pills. They were prescription drugs I got from my doctor. The only thing that happened was I got extreamly sick with diarrhea & was puking all night long. I also lost my balance & it still hasn't come back fully. I could barely stand up. I always thought that pills would be the way to go but I discovered last night it is really hard to kill yourself that way & it is REALLY unpleasant. I should have probably had my stomach pumped. I feel like hell today & I think if I tried to eat anything I would immediately throw it up again. It was probably a really stupid thing to do but I can't help feeling really suicidal these days. I mean I am about to get on a plane to be back in California & be homeless. I really don't want that. I'm scared the way its going to turn out. I mean I'll have some money when I get there but not much certainly not enough to get even a room to rent. I'm afraid I'm just going to stay homeless, it's not something I'm not looking forward to. I'm so sad the way things have worked out in DC for me. I come all the way out here from California to be with her & she dumps me. It's just not the way I wanted things to end up. I am totally sad about it. How could it go this way. I spent about 4 weeks in a mental health facility. I'm just tired of things not going my way & having mental problems Bipolar, Extream Depression & Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. What can I do I depend on my SSDI checks every month which aren't enough to pay the bills. I would get a job but thats going to take time & I need a cell phone so people can reach me. I'm fustated with life, maybe my next attempt at ending my life will be more successful. I think about tying a noose to a pole over a bridge & just jumping off, I'm sure that would work. It might be painful but it would get the job done. I just don't know what to do with myself. If only I had more friends & support thing might be better. Anyways, that's my ranting for today.
as much as this communtiy has helped me, i need to leave it. On the 29th of March i OD'd on Asprin and had to go to a phsyc ward for 2 weeks. I am trying to stop cutting and i have cut once since the 29th, or maybe 4 times cuz i spelled hate in my leg. idk .. but anyway, i am gonna be leaving all the commuinites that have to do with cutting, so i can get away from it. This community has helped me so much, along with all the others, and i just wanna say thank you. I am gonna miss everyone and listeing to their stories which have also helped me. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to .. i'm here. you can IM me at lxlComing undone.
Sorry but everything in my life is once again turning for the worse and once again just like everything else in my life that goes wrong it is all my fault.
But anyway since I know that no one cares or wants to here about my sucky life I will shut up now and forever.
I hope your happy world A.C. has finally shut the hell up just like you wanted.
When I start thinking that there is no God, I see nothing to live for. I've been apathetic for a while now, I stopped doing the things i love (yoga) and lost a passion for activism. I just can't see the good things in life anymore. This world is just so fucked up, and I don't want to be in it. My relationship is going downhill, I'm graduating with nowhere to go. My house is a hell hole and I spend most of my time at a job I hate, making money thats going towards an enormous dentitst bill my mom can't afford.
My sister is in a fucking retirement home, rotting away.. she's 24 years old and she doesn't even know who the fuck she is. AND SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE IT!! How can there be a God, or gods, or what the fuck ever with all the fucked up things in this world. And if God is real, maybe I don't want to believe in him, our world is abandonded, all modern prophets lie in mental institutions. All good people get killed. And I'm cynical.. and I hate cynics..
you people make me sick. its bad enough that you harass people you dont know for your own personal amusement, (which is a worse condition then cutting and i almost pity you) but you go about it ways that are disgusting.
advising a teenager to kill themselves when they obviously need help, isnt funny. its pitiful.
"ooo i have nothing better going on in my life so..hmm lets go pick on people"
childish & immature
and you know what? someday, when you read in the paper that a girl slit her throat cos of some shit a "troll" said on her journal, because some pud-pulling, sociopathic, insecure-with-myself-so-i-take-it-out-on-others troll from lj drama told her that she deserved to be rapped or abused or molested, i hope you feel proud of yourselves.
granted what you say to them doesnt effect everyone. and yea, maybe some of them do do it for attention. but not everyone. some of us have a legitimate medically acknowledged condition. we post here. but some people dont. they dont tell anyone. because they are afraid of what people will think.
my brother did it for 3 years, with no one knowing, until he killed himself. he shot himself in the head. no note, no nothing. you think thats funny? do you think the idea of comming home to your family and finding out that your older sibling is dead is funny? or that your best friend in the whole world will never be able to hang out with you again. i know.. it must be a fucking riot.
and what if one of the members of this community is someone you know under another journal. what if the next person you advise suicide to is your sister, your brother or your beat friend?
"i would know about that shit"
i bet you wouldn't especially if they know you do this. nothing scares a cutter more then being caught.
i hope you would be proud to say that you, or one of your little trolls, is the reason that your brother will never go to the prom. or your sister will never be able to get married. or that your best friend wont make it to your bachelor party.
take pride in that. enjoy that while you think this is fun, you may actually be murderers, without ever knowing it.
hehe, i guess you probably would think that having someones life on your hands is funny.
and what happens later in your life, when you are alone? and uspet? and depressed? and afraid and so scared that you might actually do something so extreame as to hurt your selves? i really hope that you dont ever post in your journal that your afraid. or scared. or god forbid feeling like no one understands you. because i shudder to think how you would feel if this happened to you.
not everyone is as perfect as you guys. not everyone was born with a silver spoon in their mouths. not everyone had a great childhood.
some people were beaten, raped, mentally and emotionally abused, torn down, tourtured, made to feel worthless.
yea, funny i know
and i hope that you get a real good laugh at this. i hope i made your fucking day. because your not going to fuck with this journal any more. so find some place else to haunt. find some more people to dump your shit on. cos im sure you will. but know this:
everything you do to others, you get back in return. maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. and when that day comes, everyone in this community and every other communtiy on live journal where you have pulled this shit will laugh.
This is a single, one-time post. I just wanted to say what an excellent idea this community was. Many people out there who seek answers would find real comfort in some supporting words from a complete stranger. I commend everybody who takes this kind of thing seriously, and has ever posted a real, heart felt reply. This community may have saved someone's life. On the other hand however, I think that whoever would ridicule someone for seeking help, or asking for advice is one of the single lowest forms of human life.
depressed
angry
satisfied
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