Lifee.

CHAPTER 1. DEAR SEAN...

My heart pounded in my chest trying to find a way out, as I saw you on facebook. I knew you were unaware that your facebook was the only one I went on a daily routine, well maybe, more off a hourly routine. I couldn’t help it seeing you in pictures my whole body would freeze and there would be the hole in my chest that you created nearly 5 months ago. You would have forgotten all about me. You, Sean Carl Leigh Bowdidge was never the one to remember the bad stuff in life, and in your eyes, we were not good together. I clicked on your profile and selected the button known as ‘add as friend’, I though maybe if you had forgotten about me, you would accept, to you i knew, it would be like “oh a new friend on facebook”, but to me it was my everything accepting me as I am. I knew that was the false truth. I miss you and I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

I have joined so many groups on facebook and they all relate to you, ‘You’re the first person I look for when I log on MSN’, ‘You don’t know what you got till its gone’, ‘ “You can do better” I don’t want better’, ‘Typing what you really wanna say, but then deleting it’. OMG there are hundreds. I know I won’t be whole until or if me and you are together again. Its like them 8 months meant nothing to you but everything to me. I never thought I would feel such a strong feeling towards anyone, but this is the world. I decided staring at your pictures wasn’t a good idea at the moment, I could tell that it would all be to much and I would curl up in the pitch black and scream my house down, I couldn’t let anyone know I suffered, so I would wait till the early hours of the morning that’s about the time I wake up from your amazing face and realise nothing can give you back to me, that was all I wanted, forget that, all I needed, you are my world, you are my heaven smack bang in the middle of hell, which is known as this world.

My best friend helped me a lot in these past 5 months and I knew I could always count on her in the end, so I thought I would bring up my depressed mood hoping she could cheer me up, but then I thought better of it, she didn’t need to suffer cause I was, I would continue doing it my way. Suffering in silence. I was a small town girl, living in this lonely world with about

6,796,300,000 other people in it. Your words rang through my head but it was more like I was reading them than being told them, “forever Demi”, that was what we both said, why did you give up on me? You knew almost every little detail about me and I wasted time not getting to know enough about you, though I feel as I know you inside and out. I took yours and you took mine that would never change, we would both always have that, that cherished memory. At least I would have it, I cherished every second that we shared, good or bad, it will always be there, not for you but forever for me.

Two days later and I regret clicking on your profile ‘In a relationship with Jess Aries’. I felt like my heart fell outta me when ‘In a relationship” stared at me in the face. I knew tonight the dream would became a nightmare and I would do something stupid in the morning. I knew all along it made no sense for you to love me because I was your ex girlfriend’s friend but you always claimed to not care and that you had never felt a love as strong as ours but I knew you was a ladies man, I knew that wasn’t true but something kept telling me to believe you, maybe it was the way your hands lingered on my waist, the way you hesitated the first time we kissed, maybe the way you looked so innocent when you first said “I love you” to me or maybe it was just my heart telling me this was really happening and you did want and love me the same way I wanted and love you. You said ‘forever, that’s a promise’ but forever is still continuing and I’m here all alone without your love, I’m just not whole without your love.

I remember your words, our song;

I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain, I will stand by you forever, You can take my breath away, Would you swear that you'll always be mine? Would you lie? Would you run away? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
I don't care, you're here tonight.

These lyrics ring through my mind most days, every time the songs played you become a character in my daydreams. Your sweet voice, you flavoured breathe against my skin as we kissed and you would whispered, “I love you Demi”. I stopped thinking there I was getting ahead of myself on so many levels. I decided to do something to keep me busy and I wanted a drink, so getting a drink it was. Unfortunately it was the kind of thing that kept my hands busy for a few minutes and my heart and mind were getting way out of my control and I could stop… Sean this… Sean that. Your not that important, you are not the centre of the universe. The centre of my universe was a completely different story. I just couldn’t handle myself and wanted to scream, to be in your arms once again, to feel safe like I haven’t since before… the finally end. My story was over to never be recreated by two people again, at least not the two people who created it in the first place. That thought made me unhappy I had to get you out of my mind, I would save our memories for bed time where me and you are happy together and when the world made sense to me, also known as my perfectly amazing, harmless dreams. At least harmless to anyone but myself because my dreams starred you every night and every night I would always push my dream that little bit further and I would end up regretting it later, when I became all depressed and all empty, like before.