The key to writing good fanfiction is to harbor a deeply humiliating desire, and the trick there is that even pretty basic and societally-accepted desires like “being held” and “being wanted” CAN and WILL be humiliating if they’re intense enough. Become so estranged from human connection that the idea of someone playing with your hair fills you with yearning so deep you feel like you’re going to throw up and you will write some banger fanfiction. It might have some other consequences too but idrk about that.
When you meet Edward Elric he gives off the impression that he’s the short-tempered hot-headed “violence is the answer to all life’s questions” kind of protagonist, and it’s in fact incredible character craft that he’s actually the character who ends the series with a negative-3 kill count.
people killed: 0
direct orders of “you really really need to kill this guy” ignored: 1
ongoing murders being committed by Ed’s own friends/colleagues that Ed got in the way of to specifically stop that murder from happening: 2
God’s worst soldier Edward Elric. Showed up as the youngest member of the Amestrian army, took millions of dollars from them, never followed a single order, helped dismantle their fascist regime, left with a lower kill count than he arrived with, then fucked off to go be a house-husband. Character of all time.
Breakdown of what kind of bad boss the sect leaders are:
Lxc: nonprofit ed who got promoted way too young with no management experience who is excellent at executing the mission and whose heart is in the right place but bless his heart you would not put him in charge of a pet rock because the pet rock would die. Gets away with an incredible amount of dysfunction because he’s really nice. The person in charge of operations is g-d’s strongest soldier and whatever they are getting paid it’s not enough.
Nmj: ex military blue collar union guy. Thinks he’s very fair and moral and thinks he runs a tight ship because he whips out drill sergeant stuff when people aren’t acting right, meanwhile the amount of hazing going on would shame a british prep school. Confuses “yelling at staff” for “addressing the problem.” If you’re bringing problems with your coworkers to him then you’re the one at fault. Man up and work harder. Does inspire big loyalty though.
Jiang Fengmian: checked out head of a family business who swears *he’s * not the one bringing his family problems to work, it’s his family doing that (he is absolutely doing that). Always says he’s going to give people bonuses and always forgets. Actively jeopardizing the business with the family shit he refuses to deal with. Lets his kids and wife terrorize staff and then at most is like “now now, see this is why I can’t finalize a succession plan.”
Jin Guangshan: do I even need to say it.
Wen Ruohan: fully insane and delusional tech ceo who genuinely believes that like. If they don’t build a superintelligence on the moon then the libs will win. Basically peter Thiel.
Wei Wuxian: startup nutcase. Sends you 10 emails for immediate reply at 3am. Misses your scheduled check in because he just HAD to try his new idea Right Now. Ethics and testing are for people who won’t be remembered by history. Eats your lunch out of the fridge even when you lable it.
Jiang Cheng: he’s on 30 under 30, his org is tight, they are famous for getting things done and done well, but nobody who works there smiles and its because boss man has never said a single nice thing about anyone’s work and is always pissed off. Regularly makes staff cry by just saying mean shit. Sadly, he does not mean any of it and doesn’t understand why turnover is so high. He does pay really well and the perks are great but is that enough to make up for him taking everything personally and making everything personal?
Jin Guangyao: look i know I am not an unbiased observer but I do think he was a really really good boss ok. Knowledgeable about all aspects of the operation, knows everyone’s name and personal details, patient and accommodating. However it is really hard to get him to fire someone even when they are obviously and persistently terrorizing everyone else, which does cause a lot of problems and is very very frustrating to work for because you just wind up having to put up with xue yang despite his hr file being a mile long because boss man feels really bad about firing people. Except for that one intern but that’s Very Confidential :). Everyone is shocked when the FBI raids the office and even more shocked when its about him having used company resources to cover up a murder.
“In my dreams, we’re always together. And there are no odds stacked against us, there are no wars, no fights, and tragedy doesn’t stand between us. There is only you, knuckles on my cheek, there is only me, palms to your neck. Just us, and we are at peace. And that is all that needs to be said.” (quoteinsp)
This one is pissing me off because there’s cheese in it. I’m not sure there’s a period of Chinese dynastic history wherein the type of dudes likely to be having rap battles would also have been familiar with hard cheese. There’d be political fucking implications to that. Fermented dairy products were often seen as uncivilized foods, and were associated in particular with northern “barbarian” cuisine (see: <lactose intolerance in Eurasia>), whereas competitive poetry was viewed as a civilized and scholarly pastime appropriate to civil servants and courtiers. Mentioning cheese in a verse which also references the heavens could be seen as an effort to legitimize the presence of these dangerous foreign elements within Chinese society, and, thus, as seditious. If dairy were to become a common theme in rap battles, it might be viewed as a dangerous sign of poor morale and defeatist thinking among the literati. “Emperor, we have got to move the capital to the south. The scholars are rapping about cheese. It’s all falling apart.”
