I think my asks and messaging are back! I found out I had access to my messages again because a pornbot messaged me :D
a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”
Personally, I think the best way to burn the Gävle goat would be to infiltrate the security team, play the long game y'know. Join the team and keep the goat safe for 3 or 4 years, maybe even 10 years, make them trust you, maybe marry a fellow security person. Then, when they least expect it, whoosh up goes the goat, your beloved is the first on the scene, you see the devastation in their eyes as they ask 'why? Was it all a con?' And you will sweep your beloved off their feet and dip them in front of the blazing goat as the head crumbles into itself sending up a column of dramatic flames. And you will declare your love for two things: arson, and them. And then you sloppy kiss and run away from the law together.
Eighteen years later, a young person who looks suspiciously like the both of you joins the security team...
there used to be so many stars in the sky that you would have to scrape away a dozen of them that splattered on your windshield every time you drove somewhere, but now they're being over-hunted to make american flag merchandise. very sad
I was in a shop where someone was clearly watching the two towers in the background and I recognised it by sound alone after 2 seconds which makes me sound insane to an average person. and I could actually explain it very easily but of course trying to explain it with "well I only recognised it so fast because this specific version of the lorien theme only plays during the battle at helm's deep" does nothing to make me sound less insane
i love yalls tags so much ajsjshshd
Gonna b honest. A lot of hot ppl go to art museums. I’m one of them
im 2 ugly they won’t let me in
that and my shirt that says “i eat oil paintings when security guards aren’t looking”
Listen i understand this is a surreal joke, but like i cant stop imagining qhat would happen if u actually showed up to a major art museum with that shirt. Like not a tiny art museum. What would happen if you showrd up to the Met Museum of Art wearing a shirt that said “i eat oil paintings when security guards arent looking”? They cant just ignore it. But like, are they gonna deny you entry over what is clearly a joke shirt. Do they have u wayched. Its 2 am and i need to
This reminds me of a story I heard Penn Jillette tell once where he and Teller were doing a small gig and security reported over the walkie talkie that someone had entered the event in a PETA shirt. This isn’t a problem obviously, PETA people can like magic shows, but they’d done anti-PETA material before and were occasionally threatened by animal rights activists as a result, so someone wearing a shirt like that to a gig with notably anti-PETA entertainers might be fine or might be there to do something drastic and potentially dangerous. So security have eyes on this guy for a few minutes, making sure he’s not about to swing a fist or pull a gun or declare he’s got a bomb or something, or even just start try to start a loud animal rights debate mid-show.
And then a relieved voice comes through the walkie. “I got a better look at the shirt. The initials stand for People Eating Tasty Animals.”
So everyone stood down.
I understand that a lot of people are really into gardening but i think you should refrain from pointing at peoples houses and announcing the sexes of the bushes outside because you might accidentally get the correct ratio of men to women in that household and scare the crap out of the residents inside. Especially if you’re going to end your statement with “that’s why they’re not going to survive”
Last night i was sitting at my computer with my window open and i heard a guy on the sidewalk walk up to my yard, vaguely point at my house (it was dark) and say “oh yea there’s 3 females and one male, thats why they’re not going to survive” and then walked away and it took me walking outside with a flashlight to understand he was referring to the fact that 3/4 of my rosemary bushes have flowers and that he was not stalking my family of 3 women and 1 man and threatening us
asked my cat if he wanted dinner or the slop that kills him and my twin was like "he can hear you, you know?" and when I looked down at my cat he was like this
I love that story about showing anime shipgirls to the actual crew of the USS Iowa. That feels like a universal sailor trait. Imagine going back in time to show a bunch of Roman sailors an anime girl version of their trireme. They would go nuts for it.
"Admiral Yi Sun-Sin, in commemoration for your victory, we have drawn this woodblock print of your turtle ships, reimagined as chicks with D-cups and huge canons."
Here's a screenshot of the story for those curious
Decided to say fuck it to my congestion. Closed myself in the guest bathroom, blocked out all ventilation, turned my massive humidifier on full blast and ran myself the hottest bath i can stand.
This is my enclosure. I live here now. I have recreated the water cycle in a matter of minutes and can finally breathe.
Would love to show y'all but yeah
Eldritch fucking horror to them
You see something that looks like you, but wrong. Something human (alpaca) but not quite human (alpaca). The response should not be "hey, let's check that out."
No wonder humans kept getting caught by the fae.
