I didn't make an eljay post today like I'd planned, so y'all get an apology instead.
THOUGH RECENTLY, with how little I've been using my journal... I've been debating whether or not it's worth it to keep updating. On the one hand, you guys are awesome and I love reading about things that's happening with everyone. And I've had this journal since, like, my freshman year of high school. But on the other hand, Tumblr, Plurk, and even the Facebook + Twitter combo have been so much easier... and LJ does have a habit of screwing things up every couple of months. Besides, whatever I'd want to say in my LJ entries could be said in YouTube videos, perhaps more creatively and entertainingly. DILEMMA.
I'm trying to motivate myself into starting a bunch of work. I should stop taking on extra jobs at work. My studying load is bad enough as it is. Caffeinated tea is slowly becoming my savior, which is the first step down the long and depressing trail of an authentic college lifestyle. Cheers.
I had a weird day at work. My staff hour turned into me hosting a workshop, my little "pretend to be a receptionist because ours is on break" slot involved someone yelling at me because of a misunderstanding, and then I was drafted into a meeting without anyone telling me what the meeting was about or why I was attending. I also got two paper paper cuts and argued about whether or not a wooly mammoth would beat a tyrannosaurus rex in a fight.
I've been in a fog lately. I'm not sure if I'm just tired or stressed or if my sinuses are acting up, but it's almost visual. Actually, maybe it's my glasses. I need to get my eyes checked. Anyway, the edges of my vision get a little fuzzy and grey, like there's something pressing in on my ability to perceive the reality in front of me. And I'm always feeling... mentally pressed. It comes with a really strange mood, like I'm tired and antsy all at the same time. I've been weepy a lot lately. It's also a mood that really pushes me to go make art and write things. It's like the feeling you get at the end of really tragic movies, but dulled out and not as jaw-dropping. I've been going to bed early because I've felt burned-out, but it's like my brain just doesn't feel like turning off with the rest of me.
I might just be depressed. I've never really been depressed before, so I'm not sure if I can make that call, and I know I'll probably pull myself out of it once I start feeling on-track and have my own computer again. I was good to myself this weekend and didn't bother trying to get up before 10am either day. I've got the steps I need to take to feel in-control of my schoolwork and such. I think I just feel too emotionally heavy in the here and now.
I'm sorry I haven't been around to reply to anyone's posts or messages. My computer is still in a mysterious third-party shop. It might actually be in China, for all I know. I'm working on figuring the whole thing out. The good news is yesterday was the start of the period in which I was told I can expect them to get back to me.
But I wanted to talk about my birthday a little. Birthdays are strange for me, and this might be something that developed in recent years rather than one of those weird things that set in during my childhood. But I have no idea what to do with birthdays. They make me feel awkward. Loved, appreciated, and surrounded by wonderful friends... but awkward. Mostly because I don't know what to do with all the positive feedback and love. I don't expect much. I'm always surprised by how much I receive, and I genuinely appreciate everything from the wrapped presents to the small, startled, "Oh. Happy late birthday!" moments.
And I don't really celebrate my own birthday. I don't party on my birthdays unless someone else prompts me. This week, my birthday's felt more like a week rather than a day. The celebrating has just sort of trickled in, and it'll slowly ease out into normality for the rest of the week.
I haven't really done any drinking yet. A friend's mother made me a White Russian, though, and that was pretty darn delicious. 8)
After twenty-one years of this life thing, I've decided that it's pretty good. Even with all its downs, it's cracks, and its anxiety-causing moments, life is really pretty good.
The end of the quarter is starring to show. I'm staring to sacrifice homework quality for sleep, averaging out point totals and trying to decide if I can afford to skip out or finish it later. It feels like high school all over again. I have three big projects to finish up this weekend, so things are getting intense. No anxiety attacks yet, though. I've actually done really good this quarter, in that regard.
On that note, I'm usually a pretty chill person. Every once in a while, though, I run into a small something in people that really bothers me. For example, people in downtown Seattle who stand on the very edge of or off the curb while waiting for the crosswalk light to change. They're just asking to get shnocked in the head by a speeding bus's side mirror (which almost happened to my dad once, actually).
So. I was walking through a narrow entrance way that three girls were basically blocking. I started to squeeze past one of them, saying, "excuse me."
Then girl said, "Uh-huh." and didn't budge. She went right back to talking with her friends.
My internal gut reaction narrator was all, "Bitch that means move. B<" but after leaving the building, it settled into a mild, "Wow, that was rude." The idea that anyone thinks they're somehow entitled to the two feet of space they're standing on when someone is clearly making an effort to get by is just... frustrating. Come on, people. This is the basics of human interaction. Bottom line: I was annoyed because I felt like someone had basically said, "No. I don't care if you want past me. Your presence is inconsequential."
But a couple hours later, I was thinking about it again and realized that it might have simply been a communication breakdown. Maybe she didn't translate "excuse me" as, "Please move," but as, "I'm sorry for disrupting this space." Sort of like how you say "excuse me" after you sneeze, or after you accidentally bump into someone. In which case, her not moving makes a little more sense.
The thing about language is that words themselves do not hold concrete meaning. Words are merely symbols that are interpreted by the individual that perceives them, with the final connotations of that word shaped by the individual's own experiences. Entire political mishaps and international incidents can be started just because something isn't clear, the context is missing, or people just have two different ideas about what certain words or phrases mean. That's why it's so important to stop, think, and seek clarification before jumping to a conclusion--maybe there's just been something lost in translation, if you will.
That girl might have also just not really heard me, might have been distracted, or might not have realized I was trying to get by. But that wouldn't have made for a good blog post.
On a completely unrelated closing note, I tried a pomegranate vanilla rooibus tea yesterday, and it was freaking delicious. And caffeine free.
This has been a really weird week. It snowed on Wednesday, so a lot of classes were canceled to avoid another November Snowpocalypse incident. Most classes were canceled on Thursday because of all the ice on the roads (and the Seattle are is notorious for it's treacherous hills). I ended up going to work anyway, and we basically had anyone who could show up filling in for everyone who couldn't. Somewhere in there I had a nice, quiet walk in the marshy woods behind the school and listened to the few birds still out in the snow. And then I managed to overdraft on my checking account like, two hours later. That's just how I roll.
Two weeks until Spring break. I've already packed my break with a ton of art projects. I want to do some things with my new oil pastel set (♥), watercolors, and charcoal. I've got a couple digital projects to finish up, and I'll always be chugging along on my comic. authorial might have convinced me to try some cross-stitching again, which could be awesome, and I've had this one idea for a cool photography project at the back of my mind for ages. On top of all this, there are a couple of images I plan on re-drawing so that they're at a good size for printing, and then I'm going to finally set up my Etsy account like I've been saying I'll do for the past six months. If I end up with extra time, and I hope I will, I'm going to try making icons and writing ficthings again, because I miss it so. I might even be able to finish a book or two and catch up on all the movies people give me to watch that I never do. So many possibilities!
innate may be subtly pleased to know that I've started drinking tea on a regular basis. It's a comfortable compromise between my not wanting to drink plain water all the time and my trying not to chug all the soymilk in the house instead. And, of course, I like all the weird tea flavors. My favorites so far are Double Dark Chocolate Mate, Blackberry Sage, and Safari Sunset. For those of you who also drink tea, what kinds do you like the most? And if applicable, what sort of delicious things do you put in your tea? Share your knowledge, as I am still only versed in the basics of the basics.
Also, I really love Britney Spears' new single, Hold It Against Me. I feel like dead, respectable scholars roll over in their graves whenever I say that, but to me, terrible pop music is like a bag of cookies. Deprived of any helpful nutrients, but absolutely delicious. And I was never the sort to feel guilty about eating a bag of cookies. Besides, you can't work out to Johnny Cash and Beethoven all the time.
On a related tangent: this reminds me of something really delightful I read on Tumblr--there was a post on the Frenemy called "Pictures of Girls Eating" which was all about the battle between girls and... well, eating. As someone who freaking loves food, I could relate to the story a lot. A life of eating fat-free and counting calories sounds so depressing to me. As long as people can practice moderation and get some exercise, there's no reason why they shouldn't enjoy a burger or a grilled-cheese sandwich every once in a while. It's okay if your hipbones don't stick out. It'll keep you alive for longer if we ever hit a nuclear winter.
The subject reminds me of this one time I was walking to Red Robin with my best friend. We were talking about what we were going to eat, and I said, "You know, I think I'll have a salad." After a second of shocked silence, "Haha! Kidding. I'll get a milkshake." I hate salad, unless it's got blue cheese dressing on it. Judging from the number of restaurants that actually stock blue cheese dressing, I think that my dad and I might be the only two people in the world who actually like it. :>
Speaking of terrible awesome music, have Madonna and Justin Timberlake. "Four Minutes". To save the world.
I'm outta time and all I got is four minutes WIKI WIKI four minutes hey I'm outta time and all I got is four minutes WIKI WIKI four minutes hey I'm outta time and all I got is four minutes WIKI WIKI four minutes hey I'm outta time and all I got is four minutes WIKI WIKI four minutes hey.
If you enjoyed this dream description and would like to read more of them 'cause you're into that sort of thing, feel free to check out my dreams tag. It's probably one of the only organized things here. On that note, jeez there are suddenly a lot more of you! Welcome to my journal, dudes and dudettes. My intro post over at the adding community definitely didn't cover everything or go into specifics, so if you have any questions about me, feel free to ask. ♥
I think I'm almost done being sick. My doctor called back and told me that my vitamin D is hideously low like everyone else in the pacific northwest. I had a lot of trouble focusing on anything yesterday. I'm pretty sure I was hit with some sort of crazy sinus pressure for most of the afternoon, so it felt weird to listen to music or look at my computer screen. I hope today has less of that, since I want to try to do the impossible and finish not one, but two really busy drawings today. One's full of tea things. The other is full of corpses. You can see where my interests divide, here.
Like I've been saying, I'm trying to get back into the habit of reading sort of regularly. I'm also taking a leaf out of a fellow student's book and writing down words I don't know so that I can expand my vocabulary. Yesterday I learned esoteric (belonging to a select few, something secretive, or something only supposed to be known by a select few with a specific knowledge or interest) and philatelist (someone who studies stamps, postal marks, and other related things). I wouldn't have guessed there was actually a word for that.
This is "A Dustland Fairytale" by the Killers. I've been listening to it for days; I'm thinking about putting together a FST with it as the opening track. Another project for this weekend is posting my top ten favorite Disney animated movies, because I've been meaning to do that forever. This is assuming that selling my soul to banks for loans doesn't drain me of the will to live or anything before then, of course.
So I hopped on the bus yesterday morning and realized, seven blocks later, that I'd forgotten all my art stuff at home. And I kind of needed it for my midterm. So I skedaddled off the bus, kind of panicked and accidentally rushed out without paying, and then speed-walked all the way home. My dad was awesome and gave me a ride to school so that I wasn't hideously late to anything, but I always feel bad... asking for rides... because I'm an adult, yo.
And then we watched a video on the FLDS and their crazy 19th century polygamy practices. I mean, I don't have anything against polygamy if it works, but I've kind of got a problem with oppression and human misery. So that was fun.
After that, I hid in my work center for a while and all of us ladies had a heart-to-heart about loving ourselves for who we are. The phrase "curvaceous lips" was used a lot. I love my co-workers, but we have the most bizarre talks sometimes.
Remember that art class I hauled ass for earlier in the morning? Canceled. Instructor illness. What a weird and frustrating bit of irony. But on the bright side, that's three hours I didn't have to spend drawing a model. I spent those three hours going home and then walking to the bank, instead. Yes, it took me two hours to walk to my bank, set up my accounts, and then walk back. Spoilers: the account setup couldn't have taken more than a half-hour.
And because all the intense walking I did yesterday was more exercise than I've had in a while, my hips are killing me. My ankles are pretty sore, too. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I wore tennis shoes.
Also, it's a bizarre coincidence that I started playing Return to Mysterious Island (it's a puzzle game based off of Jules Verne's The Mysterious Island) at the same time that Google decided to do a 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea logo to celebrate Jules Verne's birthday (or what would have been his birthday if he weren't kind of dead).
Randomly, I asked a friend of mine if she ever reaches self-analytical 2am conclusions about herself as a person. She said yes, so it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who does.
Long story short, I hope that none of you ever think I don't like you just because I haven't talked to you in a really long time. I'm just really bad at contacting other people unless I've got something specific to say. If you ever want to talk or anything, never think you'd be bothering me by dropping me an IM or something. I wouldn't log on if I didn't want to talk, and I'm always happy to hear from you or try to help with any problems or... anything.
Plurk is sucking away all the one-liners that I would usually put into these entries, so I'll try to sum up: I've been fighting off this somewhat hideous cold for the last week, and it's been leaving me in various states of apathetic blah. I've got the most pathetic little wheezing cough right now. The drama llama hit the IRL social circle, but some of it's legit scary. I got called in for "taking care of emotionally distraught drunk people" assistance and ended up yelling at a friend's brother for being a dumbass. Said friend is going through a lot of shit right now and I really hope it lightens up for her soon. I've been diligently chipping away at this whole "being a good student" thing, and I forgot how much a college workload slowly but surely makes me more irritable than usual. If you're behind on NaNoWriMo, I'm right there with you--I'm doing my own webcomic version, and I need to get my ass in gear if I'm going to catch up to my goal.
I gave a really kickass speech on the negatives of Ritalin the other week. I've seen like, five million movies lately, which deserves its own post. I got to go see the Gorillaz in concert, and it was super-special-awesome. I've been driving once a week, and I feel much more comfortable with things now. Some friends and I are trying to manage another trip to California, so I'd like to have my license before then. I got my iPod to stop being a zombie, and am now enjoying the sweet sound of an updated playlist. I think that my entire f-list needs to have a giant music-swapping party, which I swear I'll figure out sometime soon. I watched the Devil May Cry anime and Dante you sexy motherfucker. Been playing more Alan Wake too, and what the hell when did this get so ridiculously fun. I've decided it's best to play when someone's with me on Skype so that the funny commentary is doubled. I've also been working here and there on this ridiculous ficthing, but it's a lot of fun. I keep thinking that one day I'll write a memoir the way I write ficthings. The title would naturally be Memiors of an Antisocial Weirdo.
This is old news, but I made a room tour video... in case you guys have ever been curious as to what my lair looks like.
So I realized a few minutes ago that I haven't commented to anyone's posts 'round here for what feels like months. Maybe it has been months. My sense of time is kind of screwy. So my serious bad. I read mostly everything, but I need to work on not lurking as much. >:
This week has been pretty intense. Week six of the quarter is always the worst, followed closely by week nine. I've got all these projects due and I've been trying really hard to divvy up the work over a number of days instead of procrastinating and doing everything the day before the deadline. Some of it's pretty rewarding, like blazing through my required reading, but it feels like those bigger projects aren't even being dented.
I've been going morning → school → work → chores → homework → midnight since Monday, and I'm feeling pretty burned out. I feel bad for not responding to RP tags and ditching out on social things but... my homework. It needs to get done. Hrnghnhn.
On the bright side, my dad built me a loft for my bed so that I'd have more space in my tiny bedroom. I've realized today just how much of the stuff in my room was made by him or came from his old work somehow. The shelves, my table, my closet, and now a loft. He always goes above and beyond with this stuff, too. It's really amazing.
Now I've just got to sort out my disemboweled room. 8D; It's a huge mess right now. I'll feel a lot better when things are sorted and where they need to be.
busy
sleepy
loved
thoughtful
lazy
cold