StefBlog

It's been a good run, LiveJournal. This was my first major social media and blog site starting back in 2002. I met new folks here, stayed in touch with friends here, and even did a bunch of fan fiction writing and role playing here. When I joined Twitter and Facebook, I abandoned LJ for a while, finding that I wasn't really needing a blog, and more people were adopting FB for the "keeping in touch" aspect of things. I came back three years ago when I needed a place to blog about some health and dietary changes I was tackling: I needed a blog format, something that FB couldn't really provide, and I didn't yet want to start a new standalone blog.

Well, today, I started that new standalone blog as part of my GenXReplay project:

Again. But Better.

GenX Replay blog & podcast series by Jicori

genxreplay.com

I am not hiding or removing this LiveJournal blog, and I'll keep updating my password regularly. For keeping up with me moving forward, though, use GenXReplay.com where you'll find my blog and social media links moving forward. Other places you can find me are:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/JediJicori 

Rooster Teeth Community: https://roosterteeth.com/g/user/Ji… 

Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/jicori

Discord: https://discord.gg/DQMJKX 

To celebrate my partner's birthday, we went to the Alamo Drafthouse for dinner and a movie. Before we went, I looked over the menu, and I admit that everything compatible with my January plan was much less desirable than what I would typically order. It came down to two things: loaded fries or a salad in which I would have to ask for certain things not to be added. For simplicity, and for fun at the movies, I went with the loaded fries.

The loaded fries violated my cheese rule, for sure. That was a good 2-3 servings of cheese, not just one. When I finished them, I was certainly feeling full.

But then I remembered the chocolate chip cookies. The Alamo has a variety of cookies that are served in 3-cookie plates, warm and goey. They have both sugar and wheat and, thus, are definitely NOT on my January plan. My mind decided that for this one moment, this one special occasion (we only come here once every 3 months or so), I would have a plate of cookies.

First bite: okay this is going to be alright. 

End of the first cookie: that was tasty. 

Almost finished with second cookie: woah. Sugar rush?

After the cookies: yeah, bad idea. I should have gone with my original instinct and said no.

My body, which hadn't had sugar or other sweeteners since January 1, was already getting caffeine from unsweetened ice tea as my beverage for the meal. So that was in my system, and not helping matters. But then came the powerful injection of sugar from the cookie just after a ton of carbs from the fries. My body was in overload mode. My stomach felt tight, my body was jittery and hot, I was breathing harder, and I thought that if I started talking I wouldn't be able to shut up.

After 3 cookies.

I've felt this before. This isn't new. I have experienced it with sugary beverages in the past, and I distinctly remember experiencing it a couple of times after my Whole 30 in 2015 when I made homemade cookies for friends to celebrate having sugar again.

It was a bad choice, and it reinforced exactly WHY I am on this January plan to start with. And now I'm up at 3:30 am blogging about it because I couldn't sleep: my mind was busy calculating bills, trying to figure out my MoCA network setup, and controlling a dream about the Spider-Verse. My stomach feels sour and stale right now, as if it needs more food to relieve the issue.

Now that I have written this, and jotted down my MoCA network setup plan, maybe I can take some antacid and find some sleep.

In my 20s, I was diagnosed as having a chronic form of depression in which my serotonin levels were easily knocked off balance, sinking me into an emotional place  that impacted everything in my life without any hope to get out of it. That's likely the reason I went from having a healthy, normal weight up until age 25 to being considered obese by age 30. Physical and emotional stress were obvious triggers. 

I won't go into the long details of being on and off medication, on and off supplements, on and off "medication," and in and out of various behavioral therapies. I even have a normal thyroid the dozen or so times that's been checked. I'll just sum up my situation as, "No one medical solution was appropriate to address my underlying issue."

It wasn't until recent years that I discovered just how much food was impacting me. Ever since I went through my first Whole 30, I have learned what foods "sink" me and what foods sustain me at an even, healthy energy and emotional level.

Regardless of this wonderful discovery and the changes I've making in my eating, I still get hormone cravings for a three-to-five-day period each month. It's that drop in serotonin that makes me want to eat a large bag of M&Ms in one sitting or chain-eat Cadbury Creme Eggs or chocolate chip cookies until I'm sick. It's hard to describe, but imagine the most full you have been after a meal, even to the point of feeling sick, and yet still eagerly saying yes to a massive piece of chocolate cake. These are cravings that defy logic and reason, and that resist the most clever of distraction techniques. Even just writing about them right now is amplifying them tremendously for me.

This is where my discipline and mindfulness has to kick in.

Unfortunately, this is the time where disciplining myself to continue eating better, and avoiding the known "feel-good" foods, feels like punishment rather than reward. No amount of "knowing better" makes me think otherwise in times like this.

This situation is not extreme enough to impact every aspect of my life. Writing about it makes it sound much more dramatic than it  is in reality. Thus, I don't think I need some major medical exams or treatments to address it.

But it is there, and it is a very compelling component in my dietary choices.

Discipline.

Mindfulness.

This will pass...

I started the core/hip exercise reward today. I have only eaten half of the .53 oz piece as I write this, and I wanted to reflect on the experience on this first day.

First, I was actually hesitant to do the exercises even knowing there was a chocolate reward. I suppose I am enough removed from the consistent intake of sweets that a sugary reward wasn't quite motivation enough to do something I didn't want to do.

As I eat this second half of the chocolate, though, I savor the delicious sweetness and silky chocolate texture, and I'm glad I did the exercises.

Before I even ate the chocolate, though, my body was in a state of feeling better after the exercise. If I thought I could hold on to that feeling alone, the chocolate treat wouldn't be required. Unfortunately, I forget that feeling too easily right now. I think I will remember the feeling better after it's a routine, something I feel consistently from day to day.

I would love to have more chocolate now, truly. But I'm done. I will do this again tomorrow and continue to contemplate both the association and how I feel about the exercise and the chocolate.

Today, I weighed 223 lbs, which is down 1 lb from last week. Also, I'm not having the energy slumps and overwhelming need for sleep that I was feeling a week ago. My ankle swelling is almost gone, and my thirst levels seem normal. Even my skin has cleared up quite a bit.

Because of these things, I feel that abstaining from added sugar, sweeteners, and grains has been a positive decision for January. It is a step in the right direction to get my body healthier overall and to rid itself of weight. 

Given how extreme it is, though, I would have expected more than 1 lb lost in a week, even though the total for two weeks is 7 lbs. Thus, along with feeling like I'm going in the right direction, I don't think I'm doing enough.

Here at almost the midway point in my January rules, here are my reflections:

• No sugar and no grains was a good combination for day-to-day eating. We can reserve 1-2 days per month to indulge in those things, carefully planned in advance, with mindfulness and discipline to resume abstaining from them after those reserved days.
• In the food I prepare, potatoes and beans have made up for not having corn and rice, and is just as bad in terms of getting the body to stop using carbs for energy. Then again, I actually over-consumed those potatoes and beans for about 4-5 days this month, which may have distorted my view a bit. If I mindfully set limits to the carbs I do consume, they may not be so bad.
• No carbs at all (a keto diet) for a period of time would be more aggressive plan for the weight-loss side of this. Otherwise, the loss will be more gradual over time. My body will use those potatoes and beans first before using the stored fat.
• Limiting my dairy to occasional cheese has been sufficient. I allow one serving per day, but since I don't have any in the house, it's been more like two servings per week, instead. For the rest, unsweetened coconut milk and coconut cream make great substitutions in recipes!
• February 1 is a Friday, and my current plan is to loosen the rules for that Friday and Saturday. I will do so mindfully, making choices to only consume the sugar and grain sources I feel are truly worth it. Then I'll start a new plan on Sunday.

In spite of my concerns about having too much carbs, a video I saw recently gave me an idea that, in practice, would require me to make an exception to these rules. For achieving my daily core/hip/glute strengthening and stretching goals, I'll give myself a reward system involving a small prepackaged/portioned piece of sweetened dark chocolate (60% or higher cacao). This will start today, and I have selected my chocolate for the first week. I cannot have the reward until the complete exercise and stretching routine is complete in a given day, and I only get one per day (no banking up if I miss a day).

For me, the biggest risk in implementing this is that I will have that chocolate in my home even when it is not being consumed as a reward. It may be easy for me to "forget" why I have the chocolate there, and my mind may think of other things I can "reward" myself for. It may take several days for me to mentally associate the chocolate with the activity, specifically. Placing the chocolate in an unconventional place in the house, like with my exercise equipment, may help. However, my self-discipline is the critical factor to making this work. 

As with every part of this journey, the key is to stay mindful and stay focused.

My February plan (Feb. 3-28) is not yet formed as I'm still incorporating data from January. I do have some preliminary thoughts, though, and I wanted to jot down here so I remember:

• I'll go back to no sugars, sweeteners, or grains, but add no potatoes, too, to further reduce the carbs.
• I'll continue my commitment to the roasted meats and eggs that have made this plan not only tolerable, but enjoyable.
• I may continue the reward system for the core/hip/glute exercises depending on how that goes over the next couple of weeks. If the habit is reliable enough at the end of February, I may even start dissociating it from the chocolate.

I cooked a roast sirloin yesterday and had it with mushrooms and Brussels sprouts. It was very good. I still have more of the sirloin left for today. 

In contrast, I had potato chips. Now these chips are just potato, cottonseed oil, and salt, so there is nothing there that violates my January eating plan. They are, though, pure carbohydrate without much nutrition. Thus, I shouldn't be having these every day, or binging them as I am so prone to do with salty chips. I know this, and thus I know not to buy them on every grocery trip.

An upside to the potato chips, though, is remembering to pull my Whole 30 cookbook out to find sauces. I made a Whole 30 friendly ranch dip (no dairy, no sweeteners, etc.) and it was amazing. I may use it with Brussels sprouts when I eat the leftovers. The book has several other recipes I've tried and enjoyed, so I must remember to use the book more often.

It's easy for me to plan a meal around meat, but I am neglecting my vegetables a little bit. I need to commit to work in the vegetables as much as I can.

Really tired this week. I have a lot going on. Even the potato chips didn't help with that. Perhaps I just need a nap.

This morning I weighed 224 lbs, which means I have managed to drop 6 pounds worth of (most likely) water from my system since last Wednesday. What does that mean? Well, a gallon of water weighs 8.34 lbs. A gallon. Of water. I've dropped 3 quarts worth of water and will soon reach a gallon.

Now, imagine you had to strap a gallon of water to you and wear it all day, every day. Not pleasant. 

If we look at my ultimate goal just in terms of weight (160-170 lbs), based on where I am now, I still have about 7 gallons of water still strapped to me. I mean, I wouldn't lift 7 gallons of water in a container to move it, I'd find some way to divide it up first. But I'm carrying that much extra around with me, attached to me, under my skin, all the time in everything I do.

So where am I right now after almost a week? Here are a few observations:

• My ankles are still swollen, but I'm not as bloated as I was a week ago.
• I seem to be constantly thirsty. I am downing a lot of water, but wow!
• I was in bed early several times last week, just super tired, but my energy levels have been leveling out the last two days. 
• My stretching before bed goal (not related to the eating) has not been consistent.
• I have craved things, but mostly breads, not sweets. Fortunately, it still seems easy to distract myself when I crave things.
• My food portions have been smaller. Sometimes it is because I've been mindful about how much I'm eating during a meal and whether I feel satisfied or full. Other times it's just because I got bored with eating, found no particular joy in what I was eating, and got distracted by some other activity.

In addition to all this, though, I'm observing something I haven't experienced since my Whole 30: not wanting to eat. I have been so caught up in various other parts of my routine that I haven't made the sufficient additional time to prepare a variety of food. I made a good soup and a tasty chili, and I have a couple of other things from the grocery store. But whenever I am wanting or craving something, it's not those things, and sometimes I just don't eat at all. My mind is convinced it just won't be satisfying and, thus, doesn't think it's worth the effort.

That's a more dangerous mindset, one that leads to bad brain programming toward eating disorders. I have never had an eating disorder (just bad eating habits), and I was sure I could never be vulnerable to that as much as I love food and hate being sick. However, my current mindset has me face-to-face with the very real first steps down such a road. If that wiring gets mixed up with my old brain programs from my teen years, that could be dangerous. 

(In my teens, I was told repeatedly by family members that I was getting fat, even when I was at a healthy weight. Throughout my early life, those same family members also conditioned me to associate being fat with being ugly, lazy, and undesirable. I have fought back against that programming for the last two decades, but it's not an easy thing to get past.)

My morning meal prep routine would be fabulous to get more things prepared that I really look forward to eating, not feel "meh" about. However, I was lazy over the weekend (except for going dancing and cooking chili), and this week I have early appointments or meetings Monday through Thursday. Thus, I'll have to take care of shopping and meal prep at my lunch break or in the evenings when I'd rather be relaxing and doing other things. Perhaps the audio books will help me get through it without feeling slighted by my schedule.

Technically, I didn't really start my January eating plan until today. I received some tasty gifts on New Years Eve that I didn't want to eat at that moment, so I chose to enjoy them yesterday. 

Quick review of the January plan:

• No added sweeteners, natural or artificial (keep the "need for sweet" at bay)
• No cereal grains (wheat, maize/corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, spelt, millet, sorghum)
• No alcohol
• No dairy except for up to a serving of cheese per day
• PT exercises daily for my hip + evening stretching routine before bed

Today felt similar to the start of my Whole 30 in 2015 in which I was almost afraid to eat anything. After my trip to the grocery store, at least I had some things around home that I wasn't afraid to eat. 

Tomorrow morning, I restart my food prep morning schedule that was so successful back in the fall. I have an audio book to continue listening to while I work.

I also discovered just how much quinoa I had in my cabinet and I decided to do a little bit of research to determine if it is truly a grain in terms of classification. I couldn't have either cereal grains or legumes in the Whole 30, so that was a "no" back then. Now, though, is the first time I've stopped to think about where quinoa falls in that grouping.  The Grains & Legumes Nutrition Council, an independent group that promotes health benefits for grains, calls it a "pseudo-cereal" and not a "true" grain. It also has a very high protein to carbohydrate ratio. Thus, I think it is safe to include quinoa in my meals in January. I like it, but it is very filling very fast for me, so I will mindfully observe how I'm feeling if/when I eat it.

I don't know how much blogging I want to do day to day, but I did want to capture a few points now for later comparison:

• The scales this morning read 230.5 lbs.
• My ankles are swollen. I am retaining a lot of fluids again from how I ate the week between Christmas and New Years.
• My facial skin still has little breakouts that I'm dealing with.
• My skin is super dry, and I'm having to use lotion several times per day to keep up.
• My energy is starting to fluctuate again rather than being reliable.
• I'm sleeping okay without waking up a lot during the night, but my dreams are such that I can't be sure if I'm getting sufficient REM sleep. I'm not waking up fully refreshed, for sure.

I haven't written since before the Christmas gatherings. Those went well: though our family had mostly high-carb foods to consume, I found myself taking just tiny bits of some things and avoiding some other things altogether. 

Most of the truffles I made ended up with family, and I had a grand total of 10 over four days. None remain here at my home. By the last one, I was truly enjoying them. That sounds like a dangerous thing, but my desire to make more or to find more sweets in their place was very low.

In the last three days, my eating has been weird. I have been gaming a lot working on some in-game goals. During that time, I haven't been very hungry. When I feel a little desire to eat, I am grabbing a spoon of leftover peanut butter (it is the sweetened kind I used in the muddy buddies, and it's about gone now). That and a cup of hot tea seems to have become a meal replacement for me for two meals per day. The third meal has been something convenient like a burger one night, a salad and some fries another night, and some slices of bacon last night. I'm not eating much, but I'm also not eating well. This is not usual for me in the days between Christmas and New Years, but I feel like if I let it go on through January 1, my plan for January is going to have a very rocky start.

Today, I'm meeting a friend for a movie and dinner. I'll probably have some popcorn (my last popcorn for quite some time), and I may have some carbs at dinner. I'm not really enforcing any eating rules for myself right now, but I am mindfully considering exactly what I'm eating and whether it's worth it. Fortunately, when I hang out with friends, I spend more time talking and less time eating, so that should also help.

I haven't yet gotten serious on the meal and prep planning side, but I will be working on that tomorrow. January is so close now. It's time to get it together!

Until yesterday, I didn't have much to report that wasn't just rehashing my last post. At this moment, though, I felt compelled to preserve some thoughts about the last 24 hours. I have broken it into some scenarios that happened throughout the day, followed by two key reflections.

Scenario 1: Remember that plan I had to have no more than 5 of each type of truffle I was making for the holidays? Well, I made the truffles yesterday. These are variations on the popular Oreo cookie truffle recipe. I made three types: dark chocolate peppermint, lemon cheesecake, and red velvet. The red velvet was a new experiment, and I hadn't tried the red velvet cookies before. I felt I needed to taste the cookie to determine if it was too sweet; if so, I would remove some of the creme fillings for the recipe. I ate a cookie and made my adjustment, but I didn't end up using all the cookies. I ate another 4-5 without much though while I was cooking. On the last one, I realized I was having a bit of a sugar rush (expected), but I mindfully observed that I wasn't actually enjoying the cookies, just eating them. The outer portion of the cookie was good, but not great. The creme filling was waxy and too sweet without much flavor. (The truffles turned out good, but I wouldn't recommend the cookies.)