A Waste of Time
I feel I need to wite this, just get it out there, even though I have so much I should be doing.
This [academic] year all I've done it write, write, write. At least that's how it feels. I also have a 10 minute presentation to give withing the next fortnight [currently un-researched], a 5,000 word Independent Study on medieval falconry, and at least 2 more essays [one of which is a critical review, which are more horrible than most things to write].
So, I should be doing something towards one of those right now, but I'm writing this.
It's 4:49pm and all I've done so far is wash down some things that it appears Flossy [cat] has urinated on :-/ and I've finally gotten round to sorting out some of the un-named music files on my pc. It's amazing what you can do when you're trying to put off something more important.
I don't even enjoy my course, though to be honest I dond't think I'd enjoy any course. As soon as I HAVE to do something I enjoy, it stops being enjoyable. It was the same with the art course. I feel totally directionless. All I know it that when I graduate I'm getting married. I have no idea what kind of care I want. I wish I had a passion. I have so many interests but no great love for one in particular. Similarly, I am good at lots of things but not spectacular at anything. What's that phrase? A jack of all trades but a master of none.
That's another strange thing about university. In school I was always top of my class, it was expected that I get As and A*s. It was just what I did, with out having to put any effort in. It's off now to only get average grades. I'm sure if I worked hard I could get the marks I'm used to, but I don't want to. I'm so used to just being given those marks without trying. I felt brave enough to tell someone at uni this and she called me arrogant. :-/ Maybe I am. Maybe I just don't care, that's how it feels anyway.
So most of the time I'm busy, busy. busy with university work [which I don't even enjoy]. I promised Joel I would learn to drive before we got married but I have no idea when I'd have the time to. Why can't our tests be as easy as the American ones? :-( I also need to get a new job [I was made redundant in December] so that I can actually contribute to our joint savings account, but I honestly don't know when I have the time to. I submitted a few application forms back in January but the shops are so slow at the moment, most aren't hiring.
A couple I knew from sixth form invited a few of us round their flat last night for pizza and wii games. Another friend I don't see very often was there, she's a children photographer. She's saved enough for a deposit on a house and has been to see a few this week. I felt so jealous. She and one half of the couple didn't go to university but went straight into full-time jobs. They have what I want. By the time I'm out of uni I will have spent four years there, and for what? A degree I didn't enjoy and don't want to spefically use for the that career path. [Me, field archaeologist or history book writer? No thanks.] I guess I'm just putting off having to dive into the world of work, and we need the exta time to save up money for the wedding.
We won't have saved up much but it should be enough.
Dad has said he's expecting to pay for the reception but we don't like that idea. I feel guilty about that. We have the church sorted, as well as the minister, photographer [above friend], musicians for the reception and even caterer and wedding cake-maker [my dad]. I've started to look at dress styles but I don't want to try on and find yet, if I got something now I would be bored of it by the time the wedding comes [June 2011]. We still haven't finalized the date, that depends on whether we can get the reception venue we would like. We want a marquee reception so it has to be a place that has enough room, toilets and kitchen nearby and TREES [for fairylights. When I see our recption I sort of imagine Bilbo Baggin's 111st birthday!] We have the idea place in my mind, it's the grounds of the Christian college my dad studied at. I grew up visiting the place and playing on the grounds, and it has loads of trees so would be PERFECT. My dad knows the.....can't remember the name...principal? of the college so is going to see what he can do. My mum is being very negative and thinks not only will we not be allowed to hold it there but that a marquee recption wouldn't even work with our budget and guest list. Even if we can't have a marquee reception we have a few ideas sorted. It's going to be a later afternoon wedding and reception. That way it's cheaper [only one meal] and I don't have to spend so much time with people [they scare me]. Also, it's going to be a tea party. We've started to collect pretty china teacups and saucers from charity shops. I was them all odd, with lots of wild flowers in old vases. I really hope the picture in me head works.
One good thing: About January I started hanging out with my best friend for the age 12-16. Unfortunately, due to one silly thing and another, and the introfuction of time-consuming boyfriends, we sort of fell out. We were still friendly to eachother in passing but we made no effort anymore, depite having been the type of friends who would pohne eachother when we got home, depite having seen eachother all day in school and maybe even haning out together in the evenings. We mutually wanted to see eachother around Christmas time so I started visting her about once a week. We still haven't quite found our feet with eachother but it's still so enjoyable to be in her company again. I feel really good about it, and care about her more than I ever have. She gave birth this Tuesday :-) her baby is amazing. I'm not a baby person at all, infact until yesterday I'm not even sure when the last time I held a baby was. However, he is absoloutely beautiful. I got to hold him for about an hour and was just staring at him the whole time. He's remarkable. She has been incredibly brave too, I can't even imagine what it was like for her; she went into labour before the ambulance came and gave birth to him on her father's floor with just her boyfriend and grandparents there. Scary! Her and her boyfriend have just moved into a house togther, only about 5 minutes walk away from here. It's so exciting, before this she had always lived over the other side of town. I am looking forwards to getting to know this little family properly. I really hope it works out. She has a lot of female friends who, although in our year at school, I don't know very well at all. I know I can't be included in this group of friends so I really hope that I fit into her life somewhere. She's going to be so busy from now on so I have to try to find a balance, I want to see her but obviously don't want to push. It's exciting all the same :-)
One bad thing: My weight/body image. Blegh. Summer 2008, when Joel dumped me for 3 months, I lost almost 2 stone in weight. After that I was the lightest I had been since the age of 14, and was the most body-confident I've ever been. Since then, I got my appetite back and have been gradually gaining weight, til now I am only about 6 lbs shy of what I was to being with. I feel terrible. Since August I have been trying to eat healtier, I won't go into details but there's now a few foods I won't eat and many new ones introduced into my diet. But while I eat all these new things, I still binge on sweet things like no bodies business. It's driving me mad. I am trying constantly to stop, reminding myself that I will be the fat bride if I don't. I try not to mention this constant thought to my friends, but the odd comment has slipped through. Everyone has said that I am a fine weight, that there's no need to change it. Whether I'm average or not, I just don't feel good! I am constantly aware of my body, for example the way my stomach presses against my trousers/top/dress. I've stopped wearing short sleeved tops, and even try to wear skirts and dresses as much as possible so as not to show my thighs, despite being aware of how much bigger my knees look now. Urgh. There's not a single part ofmy body I'm happy with these days. I used to be proud of my extremely long hair, but it was so long that the ends were in quite a bad condition. At the start of December I had 12 inches cut off it. It's still long, by most people's standards, but I'm just not sure what to do with it. Admittedly, having really long hair was awkward and didn't necessary suit my face but I'm not sure that this does either. :-/
I have so much more to say, about money, image, my art or lack of and cooking but time is moving on and Joel will be home from work soon. His flat is not a very nice place to be so he comes here for dinner every day. Soon he will be moving further away, to live with a guy from work, so that he can put more money into the savings account [more guilt for me].
I shall finish with a few films I have seen lately. Ponyo was good, not as good as some other ghibli ones but still a couple of hours where I can feel childlike and problem-free again. I saw Percy Jackson and Somon Kane on Wednesday. The first really suprised me, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would, despite them getting some of their facts wrong. Solomon Kane was AWFUL, they left a lot unexplained and well, it was just bad. It was set in the Tudor period but the feel was definately more medieval-peasant like, and there was some strnagely-modern looking items of clothing! I was expecting to love The Lovely Bones, it is a Peter Jackson film after all. Unfortunately, I didn't. Maybe it was just the editing but it didn't flow very well for me. Without spoiling it too much, I think at the end of the film you're supposed to feel like justice was served but I really didn't. The film made me feel totally hopeless and wonder what the point of it all is. A fillm I loves was MicMacs. Joel took me to see it Monday and we both thought it was fabulous. By the same director as Amelie, it has that same quirky vibe and I highly recommend it. There's a lot I want to see in the next week; off the top of my head A Single Man, The Princess and the Frog, Chloe and Alice in Wonderland.
I don't know when I'll feel like writing properly on here again. There's not even anyone who reads my blog, I just needed to write this afternoon.
This [academic] year all I've done it write, write, write. At least that's how it feels. I also have a 10 minute presentation to give withing the next fortnight [currently un-researched], a 5,000 word Independent Study on medieval falconry, and at least 2 more essays [one of which is a critical review, which are more horrible than most things to write].
So, I should be doing something towards one of those right now, but I'm writing this.
It's 4:49pm and all I've done so far is wash down some things that it appears Flossy [cat] has urinated on :-/ and I've finally gotten round to sorting out some of the un-named music files on my pc. It's amazing what you can do when you're trying to put off something more important.
I don't even enjoy my course, though to be honest I dond't think I'd enjoy any course. As soon as I HAVE to do something I enjoy, it stops being enjoyable. It was the same with the art course. I feel totally directionless. All I know it that when I graduate I'm getting married. I have no idea what kind of care I want. I wish I had a passion. I have so many interests but no great love for one in particular. Similarly, I am good at lots of things but not spectacular at anything. What's that phrase? A jack of all trades but a master of none.
That's another strange thing about university. In school I was always top of my class, it was expected that I get As and A*s. It was just what I did, with out having to put any effort in. It's off now to only get average grades. I'm sure if I worked hard I could get the marks I'm used to, but I don't want to. I'm so used to just being given those marks without trying. I felt brave enough to tell someone at uni this and she called me arrogant. :-/ Maybe I am. Maybe I just don't care, that's how it feels anyway.
So most of the time I'm busy, busy. busy with university work [which I don't even enjoy]. I promised Joel I would learn to drive before we got married but I have no idea when I'd have the time to. Why can't our tests be as easy as the American ones? :-( I also need to get a new job [I was made redundant in December] so that I can actually contribute to our joint savings account, but I honestly don't know when I have the time to. I submitted a few application forms back in January but the shops are so slow at the moment, most aren't hiring.
A couple I knew from sixth form invited a few of us round their flat last night for pizza and wii games. Another friend I don't see very often was there, she's a children photographer. She's saved enough for a deposit on a house and has been to see a few this week. I felt so jealous. She and one half of the couple didn't go to university but went straight into full-time jobs. They have what I want. By the time I'm out of uni I will have spent four years there, and for what? A degree I didn't enjoy and don't want to spefically use for the that career path. [Me, field archaeologist or history book writer? No thanks.] I guess I'm just putting off having to dive into the world of work, and we need the exta time to save up money for the wedding.
We won't have saved up much but it should be enough.
Dad has said he's expecting to pay for the reception but we don't like that idea. I feel guilty about that. We have the church sorted, as well as the minister, photographer [above friend], musicians for the reception and even caterer and wedding cake-maker [my dad]. I've started to look at dress styles but I don't want to try on and find yet, if I got something now I would be bored of it by the time the wedding comes [June 2011]. We still haven't finalized the date, that depends on whether we can get the reception venue we would like. We want a marquee reception so it has to be a place that has enough room, toilets and kitchen nearby and TREES [for fairylights. When I see our recption I sort of imagine Bilbo Baggin's 111st birthday!] We have the idea place in my mind, it's the grounds of the Christian college my dad studied at. I grew up visiting the place and playing on the grounds, and it has loads of trees so would be PERFECT. My dad knows the.....can't remember the name...principal? of the college so is going to see what he can do. My mum is being very negative and thinks not only will we not be allowed to hold it there but that a marquee recption wouldn't even work with our budget and guest list. Even if we can't have a marquee reception we have a few ideas sorted. It's going to be a later afternoon wedding and reception. That way it's cheaper [only one meal] and I don't have to spend so much time with people [they scare me]. Also, it's going to be a tea party. We've started to collect pretty china teacups and saucers from charity shops. I was them all odd, with lots of wild flowers in old vases. I really hope the picture in me head works.
One good thing: About January I started hanging out with my best friend for the age 12-16. Unfortunately, due to one silly thing and another, and the introfuction of time-consuming boyfriends, we sort of fell out. We were still friendly to eachother in passing but we made no effort anymore, depite having been the type of friends who would pohne eachother when we got home, depite having seen eachother all day in school and maybe even haning out together in the evenings. We mutually wanted to see eachother around Christmas time so I started visting her about once a week. We still haven't quite found our feet with eachother but it's still so enjoyable to be in her company again. I feel really good about it, and care about her more than I ever have. She gave birth this Tuesday :-) her baby is amazing. I'm not a baby person at all, infact until yesterday I'm not even sure when the last time I held a baby was. However, he is absoloutely beautiful. I got to hold him for about an hour and was just staring at him the whole time. He's remarkable. She has been incredibly brave too, I can't even imagine what it was like for her; she went into labour before the ambulance came and gave birth to him on her father's floor with just her boyfriend and grandparents there. Scary! Her and her boyfriend have just moved into a house togther, only about 5 minutes walk away from here. It's so exciting, before this she had always lived over the other side of town. I am looking forwards to getting to know this little family properly. I really hope it works out. She has a lot of female friends who, although in our year at school, I don't know very well at all. I know I can't be included in this group of friends so I really hope that I fit into her life somewhere. She's going to be so busy from now on so I have to try to find a balance, I want to see her but obviously don't want to push. It's exciting all the same :-)
One bad thing: My weight/body image. Blegh. Summer 2008, when Joel dumped me for 3 months, I lost almost 2 stone in weight. After that I was the lightest I had been since the age of 14, and was the most body-confident I've ever been. Since then, I got my appetite back and have been gradually gaining weight, til now I am only about 6 lbs shy of what I was to being with. I feel terrible. Since August I have been trying to eat healtier, I won't go into details but there's now a few foods I won't eat and many new ones introduced into my diet. But while I eat all these new things, I still binge on sweet things like no bodies business. It's driving me mad. I am trying constantly to stop, reminding myself that I will be the fat bride if I don't. I try not to mention this constant thought to my friends, but the odd comment has slipped through. Everyone has said that I am a fine weight, that there's no need to change it. Whether I'm average or not, I just don't feel good! I am constantly aware of my body, for example the way my stomach presses against my trousers/top/dress. I've stopped wearing short sleeved tops, and even try to wear skirts and dresses as much as possible so as not to show my thighs, despite being aware of how much bigger my knees look now. Urgh. There's not a single part ofmy body I'm happy with these days. I used to be proud of my extremely long hair, but it was so long that the ends were in quite a bad condition. At the start of December I had 12 inches cut off it. It's still long, by most people's standards, but I'm just not sure what to do with it. Admittedly, having really long hair was awkward and didn't necessary suit my face but I'm not sure that this does either. :-/
I have so much more to say, about money, image, my art or lack of and cooking but time is moving on and Joel will be home from work soon. His flat is not a very nice place to be so he comes here for dinner every day. Soon he will be moving further away, to live with a guy from work, so that he can put more money into the savings account [more guilt for me].
I shall finish with a few films I have seen lately. Ponyo was good, not as good as some other ghibli ones but still a couple of hours where I can feel childlike and problem-free again. I saw Percy Jackson and Somon Kane on Wednesday. The first really suprised me, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would, despite them getting some of their facts wrong. Solomon Kane was AWFUL, they left a lot unexplained and well, it was just bad. It was set in the Tudor period but the feel was definately more medieval-peasant like, and there was some strnagely-modern looking items of clothing! I was expecting to love The Lovely Bones, it is a Peter Jackson film after all. Unfortunately, I didn't. Maybe it was just the editing but it didn't flow very well for me. Without spoiling it too much, I think at the end of the film you're supposed to feel like justice was served but I really didn't. The film made me feel totally hopeless and wonder what the point of it all is. A fillm I loves was MicMacs. Joel took me to see it Monday and we both thought it was fabulous. By the same director as Amelie, it has that same quirky vibe and I highly recommend it. There's a lot I want to see in the next week; off the top of my head A Single Man, The Princess and the Frog, Chloe and Alice in Wonderland.
I don't know when I'll feel like writing properly on here again. There's not even anyone who reads my blog, I just needed to write this afternoon.
