Adam

a doz dissociative anxiety/panic attacks today so far

i want them to end

so tired

Ive been suffering from weird dissociative anxiety attacks since late August. Maybe a half-dozen a week for the longest time. They tend to last from 30 to 90 seconds, and i recover quickly.

October has been bad, with seven attacks on the worst day in the last two weeks. Today was horrifying.

Jen had seen Frankenstein at TIFF and wanted me to see it in a theatre. I started a cold yesterday, but sure, i agreed.

The cold, and the intense stress of the movie were overwhelming, and several attacks happened.

Things went into the deep end 1.5hrs into the film.. 4 attacks in 40mins, getting worse with each. The fifth went off the deep end and we had to leave the theater... and it lasted *15min*. And then a handful more intense short episodes in the next half-hour as Jen drove us out, not sure if we were going home or to an ER.

An hour after we got home i was "fine". One minor episode later.

I cannot imagine how suicidal the fifteen min episode would have left me if i was alone... it was horrifying. Theres a reason ive left hunting season by myself up north with a firearm and ammo. There were over a dozen anxiety/panic attacks this afternoon, half in a single hour. I cant take this forever

i cannot. Between the abject depression and word memory issues when trying to talk..

i cannot

desperately, deep, clinical depression is killing me. I've been wallowing in this for several days, and I am so, so, so tired. I feel like I just want to fall to the floor and curl in a bowl and lose consciousness. I'm so done with this. I'd love to hit the hunting cabin for some spare time, but I don't trust being up there alone with a firearm and ammo

its probably a good thing i didnt go to the cabin by myself with a firearm and ammo when i was still in a good mood

28 dissociative anxiety seizures in September, the last was last monday.

Today there was another, feeling like the worst ever, but its hard to tell. It happened while i was at the gym on a treadmill, without any obvious trigger, just like all the others. Its put my depression into the deep zone all day.



Im so tired of this

My brain is broken.. its fuzzy at best, and im constantly losing words in normal conversation. Memory of words. Well, speaking words, at the very least.. i know what i want to say, i . Just. Cant.

I hear and understand, but replying? Its a problem.

A few years ago a friend of mine was whining at me about some money he had lent a mutual acquaintance. I can't remember if I ever knew who the acquaintance was, or how much it was, or for what.

I didn't care. And I told him as much. I told him I had "lent" a ridiculous amount of money to friends over the years. Thousands, to be honest. Even when I hadn't been working and had no income, and paying my mortgage or grocery bill was tricky.

But these friends were in trouble. I had the means at the time to help. So I did. Rent money, groceries, nicotine patches, gas money, whatever.

But here's the thing. If I was in a position to help, I was in a position to never see that money again.

Even the one that worked hard to humiliate me once upon a time.
Even the one that fucked me over for income.
Even the one that talked shit about me to mutual friends.


Money lent is money spent. Never expect anything for it or any of it back. You're not buying anything, you're helping someone you know when no-one else would. And someone who really needs it.