soph, posts by tag: personal - LiveJournal

I'm feeling really weird now.

I phoned up Viz-A-Viz to ask about placements. Apparently both tracks 2 (Theatre) and 3 (Technical) are full. There's a space in track 1 (Music) for a bass player, but I really haven't had experience with that.

Track 4 (Youth and community teams) is available, but I didn't feel like that's what God wanted me to do.

I am sad and confused.

Okay. Let's see if I can organise my feelings, and sum up what my last post was about.

Basically, I feel very strongly that God wants me to enter into Optimum for the year. I'm certain of it, actually.

This, quite frankly, scares me. Make no mistake, this is not a decision you just make. Especially in a situation like mine.

Optimum is a year-long opportunity to work alongside Viz-A-Viz, as I mentioned before, in one of 6 different tracks - Music, Theatre, Technical Solutions, Youth and Community Teams, School's Work, or working with one of three organisations such as Bar'N'Bus.

I feel like track 2 - Theatre - is the one God wants me to do.

Now, consider the facts from my situation. I have been out of work for over a year. My bank account - my readily-accessible money - is dwindling, and the rest is all in difficult-to-access places which is meant for things like buying a house, having a pension, and basically securities like that. All of which has been carefully saved up, with help from my parents (read: My parents did most of this work, really.)

The year costs £3000-odd, but it's not needed to pay it all in one go, and it's pretty much normal that the church will help fund it, from what I've seen of the two other people I know of who have done it.

My parents aren't Christian. They are, however, well-versed in the ways of money. That's a good thing from the point of view of having a secure future, which pretty much everybody wants, right? Note that I'm not pooh-poohing the idea of saving up money; that would be silly.

All of the above scares me. A lot.

And what have I got for me?

God.

Yeah, my parents didn't think much of that either. I've explained to them both separately now about this conviction I have, and Mum rose up all the above points and more - like the fact that this may not be helping to get a job; if I wanted to go to university I would need to pay that too; and things like that. I'll be talking to them together later today. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but at the same time, this could well be a big step.

Okay, I've done with my share of pessimism. Let's get on to what I believe this would do for me positively.

Firstly, it's going to teach me a ton of valuable lessons. This first one is probably the biggest of them all, and that's to trust in God completely. I believe God can really work through me if I just let him. To do that, though, I need to throw myself out. I need to put my trust in Him alone, and not on anything this world can offer.

Taking part in this year-long programme is going to make me grow in a lot of ways; in my skills as well as spiritually. It's going to boost my independence from my parents. I'll get hands-on work with drama, one of my favourite things, which may help to get a job elsewhere, or at least to get a university position. I'm going to grow closer to God. I'll be helping to evangelise to other people and telling them what God's doing in my life.

God's giving me the opportunity to let him really shine through me, and for me to grow in Him.

Of course, this is hard to understand for my parents. On an initial talk, my Mum was pretty upset about all this. My Dad said I was living in a world divorced from reality. Presumably both of them were thinking, "Who in their right mind would want to give up security in life for something that they have no idea how it's going to work out, except through faith in this 'God'?"

It's a very good question.

I would really, really appreciate prayers right about now, if you haven't already been praying. If you have, thank you very much, but please keep doing so.

As Christians, we're called on all the time from the pulpit to get out of our comfort zone and work with God. I just didn't think I'd be one to take those words to heart.

If you read this far, thank you.

[edit: I'm making all my posts on this subject public, with the exception of the last post (containing the chat log) until I receive permission (or not, as the case may be) to do so from Selah.]

[edit 2: Selah gave permission, so here it is.]

Had a very nice chat with selahstar just now. Mostly about the last post, with some heavy Christian thoughts in between (and during, actually). I can't be bothered right now to organise it into a post, and in fact, I think the log speaks for itself, so I'll just post it as is. There was talk before this, but I'm only starting from the relevant bit. :) Names have been changed to their LJ names for privacy.

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[edit: made public after Selah agreed; see my latest entry.]

I've been thinking a lot lately about my blessings.

God's blessed me so much, especially in the area of creativity. A lot of people have told me that something I did or said was amazing. And I'm conscious of the fact that I'm different from other people. (The devil's trying to make me think I'm better than others, but I'm trying to resist that.)

I've been finding myself wondering why God chose to give me all these gifts that I have. He obviously wants me to do something with them. I've been praying a bit about this, and I think He's trying to nudge me to an organisation in the UK called Viz-A-Viz, which is a Christian outreach organisation, basically. They offer "year out" plans with them called Optimum, which is what I think God wants me to do. I personally know two people who've been on that themselves.

So now that I've said the above, let me explain why I'm scared to death of this:

• The first and most obvious problem is money. As in, I don't have it. (Or at least, I do, but most of it is tucked away somewhere for things like buying a house, car, etc, which is what my parents want me to save up for.) This should probably be combined with the neext point:


• My parents aren't Christians. In other words, they're going to believe I'm absolutely barmy for doing this because of the money and job situation. (I've been looking for a job for over a year now.) I do believe that God's wanting me to do this, though.


• What happens afterwards? I could go to uni, but doing what? Although thinking about that, that question may be better answered during the year itself.


• And probably the biggest thing... I've never done anything like this before. I have no freaking clue what happens, and it scares me to death to think that I'll be relying solely on God for the money situation and other things. Nothing will be familiar to me. To be quite honest, though, to be able to do that would be a big step in my spiritual growth. A freaking huge step, even; I need to know what it feels like to trust solely in God and not keep myself tucked away in my secure world. I need to say, "Lord, I'm Yours. Do what you will with me. Really." and mean it.

So, there you have it. If you pray, I would really appreciate prayer on this. Pray that He would grant me the wisdom to know (or not, as the case may be) that this is actually what He wants me to do, and that if it is, I may have the courage and boldness to take the first steps. After all, the first steps are always the hardest.

Thanks!

[edit: Made public; see the bottom of my latest entry.]