smoking.
so, i quit smoking last april. it was hard, and kalon and i got a little bitchy with each other, but kalon had just gotten laid off, we were broke, and we wanted a baby, so it wasn't as hard as i expected it to be. unfortunately, when i had the miscarriage, i got really crazy in february and started smoking again. at the time, my meds weren't quite cutting it, and i needed more stress relief. i couldn't stop crying, i couldn't stop obsessing, and the smoking helped. since then, my meds have been changed, i've done a lot of soul searching, and i have gotten a lot better. now i just have to quit. kalon and i decided to quit today, and we did really well until about 3:30. i was sitting at the information desk and i just started crying for no reason. at this point, i can't decide if i am using my temporary insanity as a crutch to keep smoking, or if i am really still not okay. i want to be okay, i want to quit smoking, and i want to have a baby. i just can't seem to get my head right. i can't seem to get my shit together. i am starting to think that the weather has a bit more impact on me than i originally thought. we quit in april, and while it was pretty rainy (our house flooded like, the same day we quit), it was warmer and greener and all around prettier. maybe this cold, rainy day was not the right day for me. i ended up breaking down and buying a pack, and of course, since i lost the battle, kalon did, too, because i can't lie to him and tell him i was good all day. i think i am just going to try to smoke as few as possible, and the next time it's warm and gorgeous like it was this weekend, quit then. i know i can do it, i know i want to have children, and i know it is possible for me to be sane. i just have to get there. anyway, i just wanted to write this down for my own records, but please feel free to chime in if you have something to say.
