Marne lost her job in December 2014, and I've been stressed out. She's worked in two different temp jobs so far - which is better than none that's for damn sure. Still, the lack of permanence is stressful.
From late 2013 to December 2014 things had been fine. I was content with our living situation, we could afford what we wanted, she could spend money on me without overdrawing her bank account ... we were even planning to go to Australia this year. I remember thinking that if she lost this job I wouldn't be able to stay.
I'm tired and I feel trapped under our clutter. I want to clear a bunch of it, but Marne tends towards the hoarding end of things.
It's a complicated ball of yarn that she and I are talking about with our therapist. That's probably the most beautiful thing we have - we openly communicate.
Ever since my dad died I'm "passively suicidal" to varying degrees - I pray for cancer, an injury, a disaster ... I don't do anything active towards ending it hence is why I call it "passive". If the ability to go back in time after death were real; I would have killed myself by now just to start over and be in childhood again. I do that with everything, when it doesn't go the way I imagined, or isn't good enough, or I start feeling trapped - I hit the reset button and delete things to start completely over.
What I've been worried about is thinking I lost so much when I divorced Simon. I want to live in England - I have since I lived there way back in 2001-2002. It's been more on the surface since Marne lost her job. I left a stain on Simon's life, and I'm leaving one in Marne's. The nieces and nephews here love me, but I'm going to wreck them in some way. That's how it feels to me.
I'm telling myself that the grass always looks greener on the other side, that there are things I can do here and now to improve my life.
I'm nuts, I have a mis-firing brain ... And I don't know even how to begin to tell the two apart.
I still feel there is something going on health-wise. I don't feel normal or right... I thought maybe it was my brain when they found something abnormal. Before that I thought that maybe it was the goiter and nodules on my thyroid that could explain how I feel. Before even that I figured it was endometriosis and pcos.
One dead end after another. Yet another thing on my long list of "shit that is not normal, but not clear or severe enough to identify or treat...follow up in (months) or a year"
I'm having a depressed day. I also think I am a hypochondriac and wasting doctor's time.
I went to the doc yesterday and had her explain things in more detail. I still have a generalized seizure disorder, but she doesn't want to put an "epilepsy" label on it right now.
My brain is merely "misfiring" and the times I pushed the Event button during the eeg there was no abnormal brain activity.
According to the Neuro-doc I'm not having seizures, and thus do not have epilepsy. Talk about a blow.
The doctor also mis-interpreted my frustrated, stunned silence as being too dependant on Marne, and so sent her out of the room. I didn't want to answer her questions about continuing Lamictal-how has it been good, and have there been any side effects. I didn't have anything to say when she asked me about my twitching and stuff because if they aren't seizures then they are nothing. I just wanted to get the hell out of her office and not waste any more of her time.
Here I thought I finally have answers to this crap.
Nope, just mentally ill. Anxious, depressed, bouts of psychosis. She pretty much said: "Work with your psychiatrist to get the best balance of meds to help you feel better."
Anyway; I'm getting a video EEG in the hospital next week from Tuesday to Friday. They will reduce or take me off my meds for it.
One way ticket to seizure town.
This entry has nothing to do with baloney; I just felt like adding it to the subject. Sorry for any inconvenience the lack of actual baloney might have caused. :-P
okay
amused