Home of the Wandering Fox

Hi Mikey

Just found out you died last year. What the actual fuck man! When i met you we were little kids, loved to play pretend and go to playgrounds together. You used to be so damn bright and full of life. You were like me, a little spark of energy that just wanted to be loved.

I know there was nothing i could have done to stop you from taking drugs. The real shit, the Oxi and the E and the H. For a while I kind of liked how you were nice to me again for however long your high lasted. There will always be a part of me that hates how it made you nice again.

You didn’t stop when you almost died running from a hallucination. you barely slowed down when you were so coked out your entire druggy friend group told you to stop. You wouldn’t even let me hang out with you the night my mom kicked me out after one of her explosions cause I wasn't 'cool enough' and we all know what you meant by that. I wasn't gunna get high with or by you drugs you so you had no need for me.

I don't know what your parents ever did to you to make you  hate them so much. I've talked to you and them, gotten both sides of the story. I recall you complaining about them, and it always felt disingenuous like you were just being selfish shit. So I just nodded and gave you support figuring i just didn’t understand. Then you started to take advantage of my kind and trusting nature while hating on your mom and dad when they did things like, take you places and hear about your day and share hobbies with you. WTF man. Id have done anything if my mom offered me half of what yours offered you.

Every now and again you would contact me out of the blue, and just when i think you may be coming back, i hear "hay can i have $20" and the give some stupid fucking reason. You know half those times if you had just admitted you needed it to feel better I may have help you out. But no, all you knew how to do after a while was fucking lie, atleast to me.

I realize your authentic self changed massively, and I know its not my fault, but I still feel if i had better resources maybe i could have done more. But i was a child then and as an adult you never wanted help. And you can't help an addict that dose not want help.

When you were at your lowest, your mom, your wonderful, amazing, human being of a mother, the schoolteacher and mom to 3 other kids, she gave you a place to stay when you were in your 40s, and how do you thank her? When she goes to visit your dad in the hospital. her husband who sired you, raised you and loved his wife every day of his life what did you do? You fucking stole from your mom!!! You absolute piece of shit. She was right to through you out.

And then you go and die way to young. Cancer I assume based on what i could grab off your social media. I will always miss the person you were as a child. You were hands down, one of my favorite people. But who you became as an adult is just sad. I feel like the sickness of your addicaiton caused me to more your death years ago, but its just now catching up.

Even though im mad at you, and even though you hurt me so much, I really did love you. Enough that I even let you pull a few over on me just so i could help you out. Good Bye Michael Staruch.

I hope you find the peice in death you never found in life.

So easy to write when im upset. So hard when im not. Life rocks. Here is why.

Here is a little tale about how she went from being a person I know of, to a preson I never want to be without.

During the pandemic I had been chatting with Andromeda, at the time she went by Rayne. We met via a mutual aquantence. After I left Florida, she took over my room and started to pay rent. She follow those roommates to a different shared house. 

But see, she was living with the same former house mates of mine and was having a lot of the same furstrations. We started to chat when she wanted to vent to someone that has been there. See if i had any advice. I pointed out that I left, so my advice was to leave. After a month or so I offered her a place to stay while she find an appartment. She never found one. :P 

We found living together very easy. We just jived in so many ways.

Im pansexual and im not getting into it here but i don't want to live with any sexual partners and its not just a phase.  She is asexual and we are both polyamorous. We are also both open to new things, as long as we stay together. I can be with anyone I want as long as we talk about it (i kinda like telling her and seeing her smile and me smiling)  and she has other people she can enjoy her kinks with from her polycule, people i know and talk to. She is often open to talk about it with me, and i love hearing about it. Its just a lot of positivity all around. 

Life is better than last year. But it still feels werid not hearing from my mom on my birthday. The feeling of being alone has dissapted. After most of my old friends wrote me off i was able to find new ones and rediscover old ones again. I feel loved again and its nice. It has been a long time since iv enjoyed my life enough that I finally fear losing things again. Its a good thing though. Its good that there are things and people in my day to day life i find preicous and dont want to lose. Its good I have close friends that arean't remidning me im only good in small doeses. A phrase that stung like a dagger every time it was said to me. I have people that love me for who i am, not who the want me to be. I have friends now that are there even when things are good bad and just middle of the road. This is a birthday where I can honestly say I feel loved. Not because of how everyone said happy bithday, but the simple fact I know how many people care about me today. I care that my friends love and think about me even when its not a special day. Thank you to everyone that was there when it didnt matter. Thank you to everyone that helped me fill in the samll spaces of lonelyness that had consumed my life since my mothers death. You are all amazing.

For the first time in my life i found myself with a bit of extra money that no one else tried to take, tell me how to spend, or cozy up to me now that I have it. Anytime money has fallen into my lap its been taken.

In several cases someone died and left me a good chunk of change, old people always liked me you see, made for good Will Readings. That was never my intent it just happened naturally. However there was always some person that claimed i didnt deserve the money or i could only get it if it was for collage.  

Bonds from my Grandpa: He never gave me birthday gifts, he dumped money into a bond for me every year. But when something im not clear on went down and he needed money my entire fucking family asked me to give it back, even though i was the youngest and least well off.  I eventually pleaded my case but the withdrawl timing caused me to lose more than half of it, and I lost most of it getting the house i would later make %0 on short selling. 

The hardest part about being alone is those moments when you turn your heard to talk to someone and realize there is no one there. It is even harder in those moment when its a bad time to call or text anyone to feel less alone.

All my friends are tied up in their own understandably busy lives doing their own understandably busy things. They care about me and love me, as a secondary fixture in their life. I have always felt this way. Maybe its why I push to hard to be noticed.  Maybe its why I tried so hard to convince myself that my friends are my family, as I sit alone here in my one bedroom apartment.

There is no one who will have their day to day life changed if I vanished. I bring no real improvements to the day to day life of anyone. Once or twice I found someone I loved that said they loved me back, only to find they didn't love me, but what they thought they could turn me into.

I don't know what to do. I don't have a solution. I just exist and while I like the freedom of living alone I just wish there was a way I could not live alone again.  I suppose the middle of a pandemic is a normal time to start noticing these things.

These times we are in now showed me one thing. my family gets me, it was never about not getting me. They understood me just fine. This is why no one wanted me around. I am very glad that I have friends that love me. But I really do wish I had a family that like me as well as loved me.

Its come to my attention I associate with thee basic groups of people

At the top of that list I have my true friends and guild mates. These are the people i don't need to use any pretense around. I can be my true self. The few times someone doesn't like what someone else says we settle it with a polite and still friendly conversation.

The other side of that is co-workers. I am being paid to act a certain way and do specific things.  Just like I wont fix a computer for free, I won't stroke their ego for free either. It's just part of the job.

Then i have the problem group. The "friends but". People that treat me like they are doing my a favor by allowing me to talk to them. The group that will tell me I've been told the by them the way I act is wrong, and they will give an example of something I used to do 5 years ago.  The group that will violently disagree on something and tell me im less of a person or I should feel shame for not agreeing with them and need to be taught a lesson.

While there was an incident recently, the matter only upset me because it keeps coming up. In the middle of this talk the person I was speaking to said something that really hit a nerve. I was told that my choice to spend the majority of my time with people more like me... was part of my problem.  

It was explained that my problem is I spend time with people that don't find me offensive so thus I am not learning how to "not offend" people by being with them. 

These are my notes from my mothers eulogy. 

“The earth we leave is beautiful and rich; it gave us all we needed for all the generations we have lived. How will you leave it when it is your turn? What can you do?” ― Jean M. Auel, The Clan of the Cave Bear, one of my mothers favorite books.

My mother loved reading about other cultures, both real and imaginary, both possible and impossible. The new and strange was fascinating and beautiful to her. This was her most valuable lesson to me.

The kindness and love my mother showed me as a child is the same kindness I look for in others. One of my strongest memories of her is how she would sing the song "You Are My Sunshine" to me as she tucked me in.  "Sunshine" was her nickname for me. 

My mother is gone and all I can think about is how I will never get to share anything new with her

Even as a baby I loved sharing things I liked with my mom. She has an old video of me eating a plumb for the first time around the age of one. My response to loving it was insisting she have a taste. I held it out until she had a bite and then I took another. This trend continued. Nothing brought me quite as much joy as sharing something I liked with my mom.

Her knowing was what made it real. It was as though the only way to turn the page in the story of my life was to tell her what I had just done. 

A child should be seen and not heard. One generation raised on it did ok. But then there is my generation. Our parents had similar things to say. Sure there was more talking to kids but it felt like way less listening. 

Studies have shown that once a person has power, they will rarely every want to give up that power, even if it comes at the cost of the suffering of others, for a reference see racism and misogyny. 

Our parents grew up and finally "became adults" and then they had little slaves they could tell what to do. Now they love their slaves and want them to be healthy but once the slave children turn into adults, there seem to be no passing of the torch. No "your free". Just more and more "Shut the fuck up and do what you are told"

Freedom cannot be  given, it must be taken. Well I am taking it. I hope that as I do I never make a child feel the way my family has made me feel. 

Life feels different now that I finally cut that familial string of oppression that was tying me down. I realized why my family got and still is so mad at me. My help isn't a favor, its an order. As far as they cared it was my sword duty no matter what. Their refusal to accept or hear otherwise will be the reason thing do not go the way they wish. All my life I have been held to some unquoted standard. As long as no one ever told me what I had to do, it could always be "not enough". Same bullshit I get from people of the previous generation all the time.  "If you like it i'ts bad/unhealthy" or "Things I decide are childish or mature are the only standard by which you may live" and "No matter what you do or so you will always be a child because I am older and always know better" and my favorite "anything bad that happens between us is your fault or a lie in your head"  ... know what I say to those people? "fuck you!"  "Fuck you right to hell and back again"

My mom again made things weird with a very strange phone call about me giving her a car ride 5 months from now. Regardless of what I say or do there seems to be this constant idea of the plan if for me to move out to Nevada and just live there until everything is better no matter how long that takes. I cancelled my flight out and told her. She obviously is not happy. Back where i was before. She won't compromise. She thinks she is right and justified in what she is asking me to do. I understand that is why it upsets her when i ask her to meet me half way. To her my coming out is a responsibility I must fulfill no matter what.  'Any reason no matter what it is, is not good enough.' Her words, not mind. 

When she asked me "Why should i have to buy the ticket" i said "because your the one that needs something" she did not understand. I also called her out on the fact she has a big chunk of cash in savings. She said she needs that for her care and living expenses and said i should just go into debt for the ticket. NO! just NO!

It blows my fucking mind that she is saying its life or death, and so is my uncle, but its not life or death enough to buy my a plane ticket. That is why I don't believe them. So I threw the ball in her court. If she pays for it, ill come out. I know she can afford it.  I think her spending money she has, is far better than my spending money I don't. Just typing that last part out I'm feeling better.