(no subject)
Just friends only right now.
Just friends only right now.
Haruki Murakami: Kafka on the Shore
"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
*I love this quote. I read it every so often just to remind myself that I was in that sandstorm, and it did change me.
I lose sight of it sometimes and need to be reminded.
And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
*I love this quote. I read it every so often just to remind myself that I was in that sandstorm, and it did change me.
I lose sight of it sometimes and need to be reminded.
The Molten Core from I Wrote This for You
This world is hard. It has sharp edges and points that cut. It'll make you choose between love, money and sleep. Choose love each time and sleep when you can, money - only when you must.
Because this world is hard. And at times, it is too hard, for me.
Because this world is hard. And at times, it is too hard, for me.
Broken: Karin Fossum
He relaxes his shoulders. Gives me a sidlong glance.
"I guess I'm a complete nuisance," he says. "I suppose I ought to be pleased about what you've done so far rather than throw a wrench in the works. That was never my intention. That really was not what I meant at all."
"You're not a wrench in the works. We're a team now, you and I-it's called letting things happen. You have no experience of that and that's why you're afraid. So am I-I live with it every day. But my heart is still beating, as is my pulse: the minutes pass one by one. The sun will come up tomorrow, I'm absolutely certain of that. I really do pity mankind," I say. "We don't have the ability to live in the moment. Soon other things will happen, difficult things-they will happen tonight or next week. And even though we're not there yet, our thoughts race ahead like horses through an open gate. In other words, only genuine contemplation can stop this clock inside us ticking toward our death. A painting, a piece of music, an engrossing book, a chat with a good friend. Bad things will always happen, but they are not going to happen today. Because today the sun is shining and we get out of bed. We put our feet on the floor and breathe. There is actually a good deal of courage in you, Alwar, I'm absolutely convinced of that. But, of course, I'm worried that you've chosen to isolate yourself. If something goes wrong, you've got no one to turn to. Do you ener think about that? Do you understand what that means?"
His eyes become distant; they seek out the window.
"I've been thinking a great deal about dying," he admits. "Who will arrange my fineral, will anyone mourn me? Who'll clear out my flat, what will happen to my furniture and all my other belongings? But then again, I'm only forty-two. And all sorts of things might happen before I grow old. I hope that time will take care of it for me."
"It won't," I say gravely. "If you want things to change, you have to change them yourself. I'm with y ou all the way, but I rely on you grabbing the opportunities I give you. Otherwise we're never going to get anywhere. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
He gets up and goes over to the window. He stares out across Lier valley.
"You authors are a funny lot,"he says with his back to me.
"No, we're like most people. We work hard, we have a profession. We have office hours, we toil."
"I guess I'm a complete nuisance," he says. "I suppose I ought to be pleased about what you've done so far rather than throw a wrench in the works. That was never my intention. That really was not what I meant at all."
"You're not a wrench in the works. We're a team now, you and I-it's called letting things happen. You have no experience of that and that's why you're afraid. So am I-I live with it every day. But my heart is still beating, as is my pulse: the minutes pass one by one. The sun will come up tomorrow, I'm absolutely certain of that. I really do pity mankind," I say. "We don't have the ability to live in the moment. Soon other things will happen, difficult things-they will happen tonight or next week. And even though we're not there yet, our thoughts race ahead like horses through an open gate. In other words, only genuine contemplation can stop this clock inside us ticking toward our death. A painting, a piece of music, an engrossing book, a chat with a good friend. Bad things will always happen, but they are not going to happen today. Because today the sun is shining and we get out of bed. We put our feet on the floor and breathe. There is actually a good deal of courage in you, Alwar, I'm absolutely convinced of that. But, of course, I'm worried that you've chosen to isolate yourself. If something goes wrong, you've got no one to turn to. Do you ener think about that? Do you understand what that means?"
His eyes become distant; they seek out the window.
"I've been thinking a great deal about dying," he admits. "Who will arrange my fineral, will anyone mourn me? Who'll clear out my flat, what will happen to my furniture and all my other belongings? But then again, I'm only forty-two. And all sorts of things might happen before I grow old. I hope that time will take care of it for me."
"It won't," I say gravely. "If you want things to change, you have to change them yourself. I'm with y ou all the way, but I rely on you grabbing the opportunities I give you. Otherwise we're never going to get anywhere. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
He gets up and goes over to the window. He stares out across Lier valley.
"You authors are a funny lot,"he says with his back to me.
"No, we're like most people. We work hard, we have a profession. We have office hours, we toil."
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contemplative
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Ick
Apparently my debit card has been compromised because there was a charge on it for 79.50 that I did not make. So, I contacted the bank already this morning and reported it and cancelled my card. I will get a new one soon. But, in the meantime, I am sans my convenient way to pay. So, now I have to add a trip to the bank to my day so that I can withdraw actual cash. Pain in the ass is what it is.
I've been up since early this morning. I started finance homework, prepared and poured one side of a rubber mold (which now needs to cure for 6 hours), and am about to head into the shower. I am pretty impressed with myself that I have been so productive thus far.
I'd be lying if I said that I am not dreading the commission meeting this afternoon. I need to keep my emotions in check (and not just in this area...but everywhere. They have been flailing around for everyone to see.) and NOT get angry and defensive, and certainly NOT cry...at least not there. I really need to work on the art of keeping my emotions to myself more often. I hate it when everyone knows instantly how I am, but I do nothing to prevent it. Must Keep Control.
I am glad that I have therapy today.
I played with my DSLR this morning, too, and read a bit of the manual. It just sucky that I have to read it here at the desk. I'd like to print it out, but we are having issues with the printer toner etc, and Chris's printer is kind of crappy so I just have to wait. I may break down and put it all on a jump drive and take it to Staples to print it up for me.
Well, I suppose that I have procrastinated long enough. Time to start my day in a more official manner!
Oh! I am reading Broken by Karin Fossum, which so far, is pretty great.
I've been up since early this morning. I started finance homework, prepared and poured one side of a rubber mold (which now needs to cure for 6 hours), and am about to head into the shower. I am pretty impressed with myself that I have been so productive thus far.
I'd be lying if I said that I am not dreading the commission meeting this afternoon. I need to keep my emotions in check (and not just in this area...but everywhere. They have been flailing around for everyone to see.) and NOT get angry and defensive, and certainly NOT cry...at least not there. I really need to work on the art of keeping my emotions to myself more often. I hate it when everyone knows instantly how I am, but I do nothing to prevent it. Must Keep Control.
I am glad that I have therapy today.
I played with my DSLR this morning, too, and read a bit of the manual. It just sucky that I have to read it here at the desk. I'd like to print it out, but we are having issues with the printer toner etc, and Chris's printer is kind of crappy so I just have to wait. I may break down and put it all on a jump drive and take it to Staples to print it up for me.
Well, I suppose that I have procrastinated long enough. Time to start my day in a more official manner!
Oh! I am reading Broken by Karin Fossum, which so far, is pretty great.
(no subject)
I watched this movie last night and I have to say it was one of the best I have seen in a long time. If you get a chance, check out the trailer.
I had a lot of stuff to think about today. My situation with school, the fact that my job description will soon change to something else, trying to look on the bright side of several situations, retail therapy (or in my case, consignment shop therapy), and other random musings.
Things were quite busy at work, but that has long been par for the course. They are narrowing the choice down between two applicants, one of whom will "share" my position with me (and my space, etc). While this is something I asked for in December, and while I do believe sincerely that it will be what is most beneficial to the home mod program there, I had no idea how drastically they would like to change the scope of what I do. But more on that when I know more. My co-worker helped me to see that it really is not a bad thing to still have a job, get a paycheck, for less stressful, easier work.
I found some gorgeous clothing today at a consignment store. I found a paisley velvet dress that I love, a purple crushed velvet jacket with embroidered embellishments, a top, and a beaded scarf. The dress and the jacket were both the more expensive items and they were also both on sale! 25% off! Sweet!
I had some great email conversations with two friends whose opinions I highly value, and a while not entirely comfortable conversation, a highly informative one with my boss.
I also got an email from mom, who will be coming up for a few days on my spring break. So that is really cool and something to look forward to. She will only be here for a few days, but its better than nothing.
Tomorrow I have therapy and then another meeting with the commission staff about the website. Yeah. Again.
Sigh. I should get some serious sleep.
I had a lot of stuff to think about today. My situation with school, the fact that my job description will soon change to something else, trying to look on the bright side of several situations, retail therapy (or in my case, consignment shop therapy), and other random musings.
Things were quite busy at work, but that has long been par for the course. They are narrowing the choice down between two applicants, one of whom will "share" my position with me (and my space, etc). While this is something I asked for in December, and while I do believe sincerely that it will be what is most beneficial to the home mod program there, I had no idea how drastically they would like to change the scope of what I do. But more on that when I know more. My co-worker helped me to see that it really is not a bad thing to still have a job, get a paycheck, for less stressful, easier work.
I found some gorgeous clothing today at a consignment store. I found a paisley velvet dress that I love, a purple crushed velvet jacket with embroidered embellishments, a top, and a beaded scarf. The dress and the jacket were both the more expensive items and they were also both on sale! 25% off! Sweet!
I had some great email conversations with two friends whose opinions I highly value, and a while not entirely comfortable conversation, a highly informative one with my boss.
I also got an email from mom, who will be coming up for a few days on my spring break. So that is really cool and something to look forward to. She will only be here for a few days, but its better than nothing.
Tomorrow I have therapy and then another meeting with the commission staff about the website. Yeah. Again.
Sigh. I should get some serious sleep.
The Average Escape from I wrote this for you
I don't know how you get out. All I know is how I got out.
Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior
Today was hard. I had a panic attack and probably regressed in a kazillion ways mentally. Its all school related. I don't know what to do. I have everyone elses opinion on what they think I should do. I know what I want. But is it short sighted? Is it all instant gratification-y?
I at least will finish this semester. Thats 9 credits I am halfway to earning and it would just be stupid to walk away now. Because if I don't quit, I'll be pissed at myself, and if I do quit and go back later I dont really want to have to take these classes again.
I guess my mom put it best. "OK, so you don't want to go to school. What do you want to do instead?" Um. I don't know. Thats the problem. And do I stay in school just because I don't know? Just because theres nothing better to do and I might as well? Well, that plan aint working so well right now.
I at least will finish this semester. Thats 9 credits I am halfway to earning and it would just be stupid to walk away now. Because if I don't quit, I'll be pissed at myself, and if I do quit and go back later I dont really want to have to take these classes again.
I guess my mom put it best. "OK, so you don't want to go to school. What do you want to do instead?" Um. I don't know. Thats the problem. And do I stay in school just because I don't know? Just because theres nothing better to do and I might as well? Well, that plan aint working so well right now.
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confused
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Makin' it out alive
It looks as if I will, cotrary to my belief of the opposite, survive my work day. Although it is still early. I do have 32 more minutes on the clock. On my second round of Dayquil and it should be noted, that has saved my ass today.
It's a lovely day out. The kind of day the reminds you that yes, spring will be coming soon. If it were possible to roll my desk outside, I would be working in some beam of sunshine out there.
Heading to the library, and to fill the car up with gas since any day the gas stations are going to raise prices to heaven. Then home to try to get some sort of school stuff done and to be prepared for my very long day of school tomorrow.
I'll probably have something more noteworthy to say later.
It's a lovely day out. The kind of day the reminds you that yes, spring will be coming soon. If it were possible to roll my desk outside, I would be working in some beam of sunshine out there.
Heading to the library, and to fill the car up with gas since any day the gas stations are going to raise prices to heaven. Then home to try to get some sort of school stuff done and to be prepared for my very long day of school tomorrow.
I'll probably have something more noteworthy to say later.
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anxious
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Renewal
So, by my calculations of when I took my dose of Nyquil I should be asleep by now. Granted, I only took a half dose, since I need to be a relatively awake human being in the morning to go to work (and have to operate the heavy machinery of my car), but still. Perhaps I slept too much today?
It occurs to me that I have not been doing a good job at taking care of my mental health lately. I've been distracted by all the things around me, and thats not good. My sleep hygeine is shit, I am barely using my dbt skills, I have not really gotten outside. Hell, I have barely even picked up my camera!
Well, time to get my shit together! I have lost some footing but I will gain it back. I need to get organized with school. No, I do not want to be there, but I am there and I cannot blow it. I don't have to get A's, but I need to pass. I need to really focus on the shrines in a different way. Right now its all over the place, and I feel like I am not getting stuff done. I ordered a book for my DSLR camera tonight to help me get used to using it and give me some guidance. I have mostly felt so overwhelmed by it that I have not really done anything with it.
As soon as I get the website stuff from the commission I am going to just sit down and get it all done. Seriously its to the point of ridiculousness now. They need to get it together. I want to be done!
Last week I saw a pretty large racoon in the backyard. I saw him again two nights later, and I am seeing bunnies out late in the evening. The animals are stirring so I know spring is on its way. Spring has always been a time of renewal for me. So, lets get on with the renewal, shall we?
Thinking about going friends only with the ol' LJ. Had a lot of spamming and crap going on, and I am not sure that would help...but may be? Plus I am not so sure I feel as if I need to do this all publicly anymore, not sure if anyone non LJ related really reads or gets anything out of this. Is there a way to make your journal accessible to someone who is not a LJ user if you are friends only? Like if I wanted to allow a few folks outside of LJ to access, but not the general internet public?
I probably should really go to bed. I mean, I am still sick and its probably not helping matters any. Blech.
Before I go, if you dig photography and do not already know about Jerry N. Uelsmann, then I urge you to check him out. I used to see his photographs in The Sun Magazine, and then Chris introduced me to him a little bit more. His work is amazing and he's quite inspiring. Also, Peter Lik rocks, too.
It occurs to me that I have not been doing a good job at taking care of my mental health lately. I've been distracted by all the things around me, and thats not good. My sleep hygeine is shit, I am barely using my dbt skills, I have not really gotten outside. Hell, I have barely even picked up my camera!
Well, time to get my shit together! I have lost some footing but I will gain it back. I need to get organized with school. No, I do not want to be there, but I am there and I cannot blow it. I don't have to get A's, but I need to pass. I need to really focus on the shrines in a different way. Right now its all over the place, and I feel like I am not getting stuff done. I ordered a book for my DSLR camera tonight to help me get used to using it and give me some guidance. I have mostly felt so overwhelmed by it that I have not really done anything with it.
As soon as I get the website stuff from the commission I am going to just sit down and get it all done. Seriously its to the point of ridiculousness now. They need to get it together. I want to be done!
Last week I saw a pretty large racoon in the backyard. I saw him again two nights later, and I am seeing bunnies out late in the evening. The animals are stirring so I know spring is on its way. Spring has always been a time of renewal for me. So, lets get on with the renewal, shall we?
Thinking about going friends only with the ol' LJ. Had a lot of spamming and crap going on, and I am not sure that would help...but may be? Plus I am not so sure I feel as if I need to do this all publicly anymore, not sure if anyone non LJ related really reads or gets anything out of this. Is there a way to make your journal accessible to someone who is not a LJ user if you are friends only? Like if I wanted to allow a few folks outside of LJ to access, but not the general internet public?
I probably should really go to bed. I mean, I am still sick and its probably not helping matters any. Blech.
Before I go, if you dig photography and do not already know about Jerry N. Uelsmann, then I urge you to check him out. I used to see his photographs in The Sun Magazine, and then Chris introduced me to him a little bit more. His work is amazing and he's quite inspiring. Also, Peter Lik rocks, too.
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groggy
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